Make it stop...

Do you ever get something stuck in your head and you just can't put it out of your mind? Ugh, it is so aggravating. It seems that the more you try not to think about something, the more you do.

I think this is particularly true when you make a mistake. When I make a mistake, it seems it is all I can think about. I know that I think of at least a million ways things could have gone differently.

Well, I made a big one about a month ago, and it is still haunting me... However, it wasn't entirely within my control. Some mistakes depend not only on you, but on other people too...

I guess that is part of the mistake, giving someone else the ability to make the decision. I really really wish I could make it stop, make my mind stop thinking about it. It is weird, I am not depressed or sad, I haven't even cried much over this mistake... I guess because I know it was my fault so I can only be mad at myself. I haven't cried much because there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation. It is entirely up to others to allow me to make things right. However, I don't think they want that to happen.

Therefore, there is no reason to cry, and only the need to move on. But moving on from a mistake you made, is hard. I guess you have to make yourself accept what everyone tell you...
"Things happen for a reason" and "It takes time." Unfortunately, I have never been a patient person. Especially, with myself.

Dating and being social take so much effort...

Monday - grading papers
Tuesday - Work late, grocery shopping
Wednesday - Salsa dance lessons and Softball
Thursday - Movies
Friday - Happy Hour, home watching TV with a bottle of wine
Saturday - Date?
Sunday - Hang out with the girls, recover from the week?

This was my week looks like. Every night I did not go to bed before midnight...

I don't know what tonight is going to hold, a date maybe? I like being busy and having fun, doing new things... but it is so expensive. I think I need to pick up a "third" job aside from my teaching. Keeping a schedule like this to minimize the amount of time you have to think takes so much effort.

Aside from all that, it has never been my preferred way of living. I like going out and meeting new people, but my personality is more of a homebody. I like relaxed, small groups. I like groups where I don't have to make small talk and won't be thought that I am a "stick in the mud" because I don't want to do something.

Oh well... I guess we can't have what we want... instead you have to deal with what you are given, oh excuse me "blessed" with. I still think it is God's cruel joke. Some people only get so close to happiness and their dreams coming true... then they get the pain of watching it all slip away. Hope is a cruel thing. It is the curse of the optimistic. I hope that it is all happening for a reason.

HH (Happy Hour) and Friday Night

So I love my peeps from work... they are a good group. We go to HH early in the evening so we can all get home at a decent hour (since some of them live like 60 miles away).

I like hanging out with them... but it leaves me, as the only singleton in the group, hanging on a Friday night...

I am getting to a desperate point.

I feel like such a bitch since there are 4 guys I am talking to and only want one I am not with and can't have. Damn it, I hate being single.

So my Friday nights = me alone watching TV and downing a bottle of wine so that I will whine as I blog and then eventually pass out...

t-minus 2.5 years... come on real estate market... rebound so I can get the heck out of here.

La Luna - The Moon

So since it is summer solstice I guess the moon was supposed to look exceptionally large upon rising. This is known as the "moon effect" where it appears larger on the horizon vs. when it is at its peak in the sky.

I will say, it did look awesome! It was a big beautiful orange circle in the low sky... granted it was probably orange from pollution, but it was cool.

I have a weird obsession with the moon. I feel like the moon is one of those things that connects everything to everything else in the world. Two people looking at the moon in completely different places in the world, see the same thing.

I feel like the moon is calm and constant. I find it comforting. I even used to talk to the moon as a kid, like it was halfway to God or something. I didn't need God's attention, because I just wanted to talk and daydream... the moon was always a good listener and if there was something important, the man in the moon would put a good word in for me.

Crazy... I know, but it was comforting particularly when you are young and feel misunderstood and alone.

Good night moon. Until tomorrow.

You need to stop hanging out with your "ex's" friends

That is what my sister told me. It took everything in me to not yell at her.

What she neglects to realize is that hey aer my Friends too. I want her to think about how easy it would be to never see her friends again if they all decided to stay friends with her boyfriend. Really...

I mean come on, after three years is is so easy to just find new friends and move on from all your old friends too. Especially when they are more than friends, they are like family.

Additionally, we are not all blessed with the ability to make friends easily and become the center of attention and someone everyone wants to know and hang out with.

That has never been me. After 20+ years of being my sister, I would think she would know this about me.

Tired

Sit still for a minute. Just sit... sit on the couch or on the floor. Sit back... don't think just sit. It is easier to do this when you are exhausted.

Your mind will actually be blank and you don't think about anything. I think this is why when people are stressed they don't sleep... it is the bodies way of forcing to a state where they can no longer think.

I am trying it... thus I am staying up until midnight every night and get up at 5am. :-) I think I am going to crash later this week... but it will be okay. It helped me get through the week.

Jealous, envious, social climber

I've decided that I am not much more than a jealous, envious, social climber. It seems that everyone around me is getting married, and found the one. That is great, right? I should be happy for them, right? Instead, I am so bitter, jealous, and envious that it frustrates me.

I think I am a pretty good catch, so how come the one I love doesn't want to be with me. It makes me so jealous that so many girls find someone who wants to be with them, have babies, and deal with them everyday (because really girls, I think we are drama). Why don't I have someone chasing after me and waiting to tie me down and "claim" me as their prize?

I envy that they have someone, that they get to wear the dress, and have their families gaze at them and think of the wonder and happiness you feel, if only for that day because the rest of your life is going to be hard work trying to keep it all together.

So what makes me a social climber... well now that I am single, and I have been looking and have been hit on when I go out... no one is good enough. They just bug me. It is like they are so dumb. Your teeth are really white... you look hot... "what are you up to?" (Obviously I am here dancing, it is a club... )

I guess I just figure, since I can't marry for love (that didn't work out) I may as well marry for money, looks, or status. That makes me a social climber right?

So there you have it, I am jealous, envious and a social climber. I guess right now, I am nothing more than a bitch.

Guys, stay away... I am going to tell it to you like it is. If you aren't smooth, I am going to roll my eyes. If you are stupid, I'm not going to find it funny...I'm going to tell you. If you are inconsiderate, I will be too. I'm not going to make you feel good about yourself if you don't deserve it. Forget that, that is all I tried to do... and the second I stopped cuz I was tired and wanted someone to help me feel good about myself... he left.

I don't have time to waste anymore. I did enough of that. So, I am going to be alone and bitter for awhile... thus making me more jealous, envious, and mean. Then I will get older, and meaner, and eventually will have to accept, I am going to be the mean old crazy cat lady.

Damn it, I knew I should have been a nun!

Too many websites

So I am sick of it... I have a myspace page with picture albums, a facebook page with picture albums , a gmail account with picasa albums, why can't it all be connected and in one place. I get lazy and don't update everything or never figure out how it actually works... and then then I fee guilty because everyone doesn't get to see the same thing! Come on technology, make it easy! I am not for monopolies, but it would be nice in this case so that I could keep in touch with everyone more efficiently, isn't that what the Internet is supposed to do, increase efficiency and access to information?

What is the big deal about flashing? I don't get the big deal about boobs.

Why do girls get naked? Why flash people? I don't get it... Even when I am drunk at parties and body shots are involved, I can't imagine taking of my shirt to "flash" people. I would maybe do it if I was sober and there was a reason for doing it, getting paid, winning a bet, being able to make a conscious decision so no one can hold it over my head.

I might even do it more often if I had some stellar looking fake ones... but I ain't got nothing. You know, in the end, maybe I am just jealous. Jealous that I don't have anything to flash with.

I always wonder what guys think of girls who flash everyone randomly and for no reason. Do you respect them? What if she is your girlfriend and she flashes all your friends? Does that mean you have the "Cool" girlfriend? Does that mean you are stud because you have a girl who shows everyone what she's got? What if she is the mother of your children and flashes random people while floating down the river... is it really that cool? I don't get.

Ladies, I want to hear what you have to say. Why do you flash? When do you flash? How do you feel after you know you have done so?

Guys, what do you think of girls who flash, your friends, in public? What do you think of your guy friend's long-term girlfriend who does that? Do you respect her? Do you respect these girls/women? Does it make a difference if she is drunk or sober? Does it make no influence?

I know I feel cheap and slutty after something stupid like that. I hate it even more if it happens while I am drunk because then people hold it over my head.

I hope I get a lot of persepctive about this incident. Do my opinions make me a prude?

Another busy weekend: floating down a river takes 5 hours

Tubing on the Salt River is quite fun in AZ, particularly when it is 110 degrees outside. I went with a huge group. Going with a bunch of people is fun, but it gets out of hand. I think it is my fault because I am such a caretaker that it bugs me that no one is looking out for each other so only a couple of people end up running around making any sense.

I like a small group, like 4-10. Yeah you may not have the envy factor of people wishing they were part of your group, but you don't end up being suckered into giving away free beer, dealing with overly drunk people.

I am not lonely...

When people end a long-term relationship everyone assumes they are lonely and that is why they want their old relationship back. I disagree. I have been accused of being lonely.


I really am not lonely. I don't mind being at my house alone, and when I am single I am always 10 times busier and more social than when I have a relationship. If I was so lonely, I could find someone tomorrow to sleep with, watch a movie with, eat dinner with, etc.


It isn't that I am lonely, it is that I miss him.


I miss the conversations with him, I miss his smile, I miss his annoying habits and traits. I miss hearing about his day and telling him about mine. I miss his horrible movie choices and how neither one of us would pick a place to eat.


I will admit it was really hard work and exhausting. Working around his schedule... all the driving... and it sucked that I only had a weekend with him when I took off work and he happened to have "flex time" he had to use. It still bothered me that he didn't give me a key, or he never offered a drawer for me to keep my stuff in, or gave me a toothbrush again (he did once). Yeah he doesn't ever buy me flowers... but 99% of guys don't buy flowers.

However, the conversations, cuddling, and pleasure of being with him was and is something I still wish I could have everyday.