I am such an idiot. I did it again. Oh, well I guess it is okay but it is a huge reality check and slap in the face to show me how dumb I am and how no matter how far I think I have come in 60 days, I am exactly where I was before those 60 days, at least internally.
Externally, the reality is my ex-fiance and I are NOT together. Externally we are NOT dating. He hasn't asked me out and taken me on a date like I said I needed or wanted. He has not initiated a phone call! He hasn't proved any of it... and it is because he still isn't sure and maybe doesn't want a relationship.
So, he has not done those things but what did I still do? I called in to take a day off work so we could hang out! I called in. I took off work. I did, me, seriously, what is wrong with me!?! What is wrong with me? I am really being a dumb girl. I am that girl... I am still doing anything to make it work, to make it easier, to be with him.
Don't get me wrong, I had a great time and it felt so good and I miss him so much... but once again, it is me instigating it all... I am such a loser! I wish I had some backbone! What am I going to do? Ugh, I am frustrated with myself. Well I guess I just have to start over and hope I can change.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
An early post
I decided to write to my blog early today because... well I want to try to avoid the computer when I get home today. I have been obsessively checking my email today hoping for a response and I have been constantly checking my phone for missed calls. I just don't learn do I?
Anyway, I am also posting early because I am going to go for another "run" today. I am going to shoot for 2 miles. So far my fast run was 1.5 miles in 15 minutes and my slow run was 2 miles in 24 minutes. I am going to shoot for 2.5 miles today and I don't care how long it takes. :-)
Hopefully, I will be so tired after that I will just go home eat a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, lay down to watch the season premier of bionic woman and LIFE, read for 20 minutes, maybe catch the 10pm news, and then go to bed while I pray the rosary. Yeah that is now my life, at least tonight.
I am happy it is Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thursday I might just go to the drive-in movies or meet up with some people for a Thirsty Thursday. Then there is Friday, and I am determined to go out because I don't want to be home alone (I cancelled my trip to Mexico). Maybe I will find some company for the evening ;-) (yeah right, not going to do that).
Saturday is a mid-morning hike around 8am at Camelback (I have been looking forward to it all week!) to work out whatever demons I consumed on Friday night, plus a weekend visitor will arrive later that day. I am dog sitting. :-) Yeah, so if I get through tonight, my life will look a little more interesting. :-)
Anyway, I am also posting early because I am going to go for another "run" today. I am going to shoot for 2 miles. So far my fast run was 1.5 miles in 15 minutes and my slow run was 2 miles in 24 minutes. I am going to shoot for 2.5 miles today and I don't care how long it takes. :-)
Hopefully, I will be so tired after that I will just go home eat a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, lay down to watch the season premier of bionic woman and LIFE, read for 20 minutes, maybe catch the 10pm news, and then go to bed while I pray the rosary. Yeah that is now my life, at least tonight.
I am happy it is Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thursday I might just go to the drive-in movies or meet up with some people for a Thirsty Thursday. Then there is Friday, and I am determined to go out because I don't want to be home alone (I cancelled my trip to Mexico). Maybe I will find some company for the evening ;-) (yeah right, not going to do that).
Saturday is a mid-morning hike around 8am at Camelback (I have been looking forward to it all week!) to work out whatever demons I consumed on Friday night, plus a weekend visitor will arrive later that day. I am dog sitting. :-) Yeah, so if I get through tonight, my life will look a little more interesting. :-)
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
60 days
Today is the 2 month anniversary of my "disengagement"... it feels as if it has been a painful eternity. Especially the last few days. I don't know how I am going to make it through another 480+ days. I guess it will get to a point where you just stop counting. Well, I wish it was not 60 days later, I wish it was 480 days later so that I would hopefully be at a point where I had stopped hoping, be at a point where I stopped counting, where I had just stop caring about it all. But who is to say that in 480 days I will feel that way. I guess I am hoping it is more likely.
Monday, September 24, 2007
2 days in a row
I ran again today. I was much slower running two miles in 24 minutes... not good I know but hey for not running for three months, that isn't bad. :-) However, I do think that two days constitutes a streak. I am just not sure if I can do it again tomorrow thus ending the streak. Maybe I will. I have a feeling I am going to be pretty sore though. I am just happy I did it. Maybe tomorrow I will play golf... but playing golf when you are sore only ruins your game. Besides, I think I need to go to the driving range first, I haven't hit a ball all summer.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
My new goals and the weekend's events
I was excited to go for a run/jog today. It felt really good. I had a goal in mind and barely did it, but I did it. :-) I ran 1.5 miles in 15 minutes. I really want to work up to 2.0 miles in 16 minutes. That is an 8 minute mile. It has been awhile since I was able to do that. I am going to take this working out stuff seriously because the weather is getting nice enough again for me to do it. I hate gyms. I just can't stand them, the smell, the people, the atmosphere. It is just not me. I feel too incompetent at the gym.
Therefore, I created a 6 day a week workout plan for myself so that I have a ton of variety mixed in. It is taped up on the wall in my room to remind me to do something everyday. I can pick any of the routines and I am going to run after work now. I figure the best idea it to stop on the way home and run for 20 minutes.
I have another goal in mind. I really really want to lose 10 pounds. I have to buy a scale so I know how I am doing... so the goal is also to drop a pant size, at least. My big thing is the tummy. I know my butt is always going to be huge and my thighs are also a lost cause, but I want to keep my tummy (belly as my ex-fiance used to call it) as tiny as possible, especially now that I have a drinking partner again. :-)
It was a fun weekend, even if there is reality to return to on Monday and things that still need to be addressed. I am still uncertain if I am going to stay or go, but I am making sure my options are open and that I am actively looking all the time. I start faculty training this week so that will also slow things down and well, there is another test I may take which will require some time.
Staring with a co-worker happy hour was fun. The girls are funny and I was super excited that my new friend came along too. Greasy bar food is always the start to a terrific weekend. :-)
It is funny, this weekend one of the guys I talked to was a member of the "secret service" he showed me pictures of the president on the South Lawn and he was there too for some event. I'm like okay... this is weird, too bad for him I wasn't impressed. I don't trust men in uniform anymore if they are outside of their job duties. They then are just guys who will do or say anything to confuse you and lead a girl astray.
It was a good weekend. The hard part is, I know that the weekends that have been good, always included seeing my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie on Friday. So I don't know if knowing he is okay, alive, and just still there is what makes my life complete and okay to enjoy. Well, time will tell ,right?
Therefore, I created a 6 day a week workout plan for myself so that I have a ton of variety mixed in. It is taped up on the wall in my room to remind me to do something everyday. I can pick any of the routines and I am going to run after work now. I figure the best idea it to stop on the way home and run for 20 minutes.
I have another goal in mind. I really really want to lose 10 pounds. I have to buy a scale so I know how I am doing... so the goal is also to drop a pant size, at least. My big thing is the tummy. I know my butt is always going to be huge and my thighs are also a lost cause, but I want to keep my tummy (belly as my ex-fiance used to call it) as tiny as possible, especially now that I have a drinking partner again. :-)
It was a fun weekend, even if there is reality to return to on Monday and things that still need to be addressed. I am still uncertain if I am going to stay or go, but I am making sure my options are open and that I am actively looking all the time. I start faculty training this week so that will also slow things down and well, there is another test I may take which will require some time.
Staring with a co-worker happy hour was fun. The girls are funny and I was super excited that my new friend came along too. Greasy bar food is always the start to a terrific weekend. :-)
It is funny, this weekend one of the guys I talked to was a member of the "secret service" he showed me pictures of the president on the South Lawn and he was there too for some event. I'm like okay... this is weird, too bad for him I wasn't impressed. I don't trust men in uniform anymore if they are outside of their job duties. They then are just guys who will do or say anything to confuse you and lead a girl astray.
It was a good weekend. The hard part is, I know that the weekends that have been good, always included seeing my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie on Friday. So I don't know if knowing he is okay, alive, and just still there is what makes my life complete and okay to enjoy. Well, time will tell ,right?
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