My first full night of sleep in a long time...Amen!!!

Well I went out last night. I didn't go dancing and didn't find a rebound guy, instead I wound up with my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie. It was "nice". It was really good to see him and talk a little bit. It is really hard because he truly is my best friend, and I miss talking to him. I miss being intellectually stimulated and challenged by him. Well after 50 days we were able to see each other face to face and I didn't come home and cry. Instead, I slept. Glorious sleep! It had been 50 days since I actually slept through the night. I didn't wake up at 3, 4, or 5am last night... I went to bed around 1AM, pretty normal and then slept until 8:30am. It felt so good! It sucks though that it took seeing him again to be able to do that. I am going to pretend that it was because it is a sign that I am moving on. That now I have put seeing him behind me and know I will be okay... I am going to pretend that. Because, it is better than reality. The reality that at some level I still need him, but surely in time that won't be the case anymore.

Drama Queen

I am realizing how much of a drama queen I am, especially when I can't have what I want. I guess... I am spoiled. Let's add that to my list of faults. So I have come to the conclusion that I am selfish, jealous, a drama queen, and spoiled. I am a fine catch! It's all good, it doesn't matter anymore. I hope not to inflict myself onto anyone else in the future and once those currently in my life write me off, all will be as it should be. I will be completely alone unable to hurt the people I care about. Yea yea yea... told you I was a drama queen.

Jealous!

I have always told my significant others that I am a bad person, well now I have proof. I am so jealous of everyone around me. Jealousy is a major flaw. It makes me mad that others get to go out and do all these things I dreamed of doing or would love to do, but I know it is my own fault that I am not out doing them. It is my fault I didn't get a degree that was more specialized and in demand so that I could make more money and have the vacation time to run away to Tahiti, go on guided White Water Rafting tours, take weekend trips to Sedona, travel abroad etc. And then, that is not the only reason I am jealous, I am even more jealous that those people I wanted to do all those things with, have already found significant others to do those very same things with! Yeah, I am a very jealous person. I am so jealous of those co-workers and my sister who have these guys who will do anything for them. That call just because or let them even tell them to go out with their friends. My heart is very black... so there is the proof. I am selfish and I am jealous. I think my ex-boyfriends and now former Fiance could always sense that... that is why they were smart enough to run the other way as fast as they could!

Difficult Deeds, Refusing to Cry

I gave the ring back today. I think this is a big step. I had to see him and I survived, if only barely. I am kind of embarrassed that I kind of... sort off... ran out the door, but we all have our limits. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry today no matter what. I am glad I had a really really strong margarita tonight, because though I got teary eyed, I was too drunk to care that I was sad. Thank God my sister got there when she did. I was about to lose it, but running away when I did, let me keep my promise to myself, since he is okay. I am glad he is, but then it also hurts.

bored

I was so bored tonight. I watched the news and then worked in the yard. I am almost done with the weeds. But, it makes me wonder why I work so hard... we aren't going to do anything with the backyard anytime soon. I will just have to wait for more weeds to grow. I then made dinner and watched TV as I ate using my ironing board for a table. I finished up, cleaned up, packed my lunch for tomorrow. I then came back to watch more TV, but inspired by the biggest loser I did sit-ups and other exercises while watching TV. So here we are 10 o'clock and I am watching the news with really nothing to do. I am not tired (I should take some sleeping pills) and there is nothing good to read online. Blah! It is frustrating to have nothing to do. I have even brought work home from work and done that. Sometimes I think I am too efficient.

I guess maybe tomorrow I will go for a walk to the 9/11 memorial at the lake. Then Thursday, I will go to the basketball game, since I didn't go tonight. So until tomorrow, I am signing off. :-)

Moments of weakness

This weekend was a hard one. I stayed busy, but I had many moments of weakness. I think it is because I haven't slept much. I will try again tonight. :-) Tomorrow will be a better day!

A night on the town: margaritas, gay bars, Irish bars, drunk guys and still no rebound

Going from bar to bar, and place to place always makes a night interesting. It was kind of a trip down memory lane. About two and a half years ago I used to do this nearly every night from Wednesday to Saturday. I was a wild thing. Random bar, random drinks, random guys.

I went up to the "posh" part of town a lot this weekend, first I went to HH with a bunch of co-workers on Friday it was fun... but the real fun was on Saturday night.

Saturday night I met up with a girl I met online to hang out for a birthday party. It was fun. We started at a casual bar, chatting and getting to know everyone. I had a Margarita. Well, actually I only drank half of it because I felt sick to my stomach, I guess I can't handle any alcohol anymore. It is all good though because I have tons of fun.

After that, we headed to a gay bar. It was my first gay bar. I have to say it was a blast! I think some of the guys were throwing me mercy comments, but hey if a guy tells you that you are so hot, that if he was straight, he would be trying to take you home. Yeah, it definitely boosts your confidence. Even if they are just being nice.

Then I headed back to the college part of town. I went to an infamous Irish bar where I have met many a random hook-up and one really really bad kisser. :-) It was loud and reeked of alcohol. I walked in the door and was like, whoa... tons of the school fans were there following the football game. I wasn't there long when I found my sister and the boys and we decided to head to the main drag. We broke into the parking garage and headed to another Irish pub. The guys we were with, were over the top drunk. It is funny, and they are lucky I consider them friends, otherwise I would have had to sock them and call the cops for sexual assault. I love it how drunk guys think it is okay to grab and slap your ass. I don't' get it! Anyway, I didn't stay with them long. I contemplated going to my old "dancing" spot but I am just so old already, I am passed all the immature drunk fake blond fake boobed college girls. Maybe it is too much competition, but... why set yourself up for defeat and failure? I'll stick to the gay guys for awhile. :-)

So after all that partying, I still went home alone. I didn't find a rebound guy in all those places. I was both sad and proud of myself. I went out on the town by myself, meeting up with others, but... by myself. And I came home alone. I didn't give in to desperation, or loneliness. I definitely felt it today, but it was the smart thing and it was the better thing to do. But, I know it is partially because I am still holding on. I guess when I go out and find that rebound guy, and am able to have a rebound, I will hopefully be able to let go and instead of just being here, I will move forward, not on... just forward.

One drink too many...

Sorry everyone but I am too drunk, tired, and feeling ill to write something with length tonight... also, it is dark in my room and I am too lazy to get up for the lights so that I can update the daily wakeup call... so I will do that otmorrow too.