I mentioned a while back that I have been listening to a lot of Christian Music recently. I think it is because it is filled with home and has helped to convince me that things happen for a reason. There are a couple of songs that have really touched me, one because it helps me remember how to get through those really hard moments I just want to cry, the other because it is the future, or what I hope happens so that I know I am truly okay and have moved on...
The first song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Miracle Of The Moment" has really helped me just get through those moments that seem impossible. The Chorus says:
"So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment "
The song talks about letting go of things that have happened because we can't change them. That if we could change them, would we really? I guess it is because most often those things we want to change in life have to do with sorrow and pain, but they are merely a part of life, and if you truly believe you will accept that those things have happened for a reason.
The song says also says:
"There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting ...
...And this is the only moment we can do anything about
It talks about the pain and sorry we go through and that we need to embrace it and let it "soften our hearts" and really just let it all go... because I guess in the end you have to believe that God's plan is the right plan. For full lyrics try this link http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?2615
The second song is by Brandon Heath and called "I'm not who I was"
The song talks about a major change in life and understanding that we can't blame God when things don't go the way we want them to. Maybe I didn't directly blame him, but I didn't understand, I still don't, why this had to happen. I didn't know why, I was very angry.
It talks about the need to forgive, but also to remember. I don't know, I just find it comforting. You can read the words here: http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=51
They also play it on the Christian Station Klove a lot. http://www.klove.com/Music/StationList.aspx Hey, it is great for the drive to work, there are barely any commercials. :-)
Friday, September 07, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
He brings out the worst in me, and he used to bring out the best in me.
I went home to my parents over the labor day weekend. I do love going home, except for one thing. I don't know, but it is probably because we are the same that we can't stand each other for more than a few hours. He just drives me insane. He is rude, arrogant, selfish, and in my opinion, an overall jerk. I think the reason I dislike being around him so much, is that I feel all those things in me and they start to ooze out of me. He doesn't appreciate anything you do for him or do at all, and no one can ever do anything right by him. He belittles so many things. There are moments when he says he is proud or makes it a point to say he loves you, but it sometimes feels so fake, or weird because it doesn't quite seem right. It isn't that he doesn't mean it, it is just that he doesn't know how to be sincere. I hate him and love him, but I know that I can't be around him very long and the second he starts "ordering" me around, my blood boils. I become the most impatient person when I am around him, and snap at everyone.
However, it is funny that even though one person can bring out the worst in you, another person can bring out the best in you. When I was with my former fiance, I seemed to have almost limitless patience. I would just wait for him to be ready, I would try to show him how or what to do, and wait for him to get it. Sometimes he didn't get it, but I just accepted it. He always made me want to be very giving, and put him ahead of me. I did neglect some other parts of my life, but i realized that was because it wasn't very important to me. I became more giving with my family, and i think I was even more patient with my father and sister, because of him. But... I guess you shouldn't rely on others to bring out the best in you, you have to try and do that on your own, all the time.
However, it is funny that even though one person can bring out the worst in you, another person can bring out the best in you. When I was with my former fiance, I seemed to have almost limitless patience. I would just wait for him to be ready, I would try to show him how or what to do, and wait for him to get it. Sometimes he didn't get it, but I just accepted it. He always made me want to be very giving, and put him ahead of me. I did neglect some other parts of my life, but i realized that was because it wasn't very important to me. I became more giving with my family, and i think I was even more patient with my father and sister, because of him. But... I guess you shouldn't rely on others to bring out the best in you, you have to try and do that on your own, all the time.
4:17 AM - alone with my thoughts
It has now been over an hour that I have been trying to go back to sleep after my random wake up in the early morning. It seems as if the harder I try to go back to sleep the worse off I am. My head just won't stop.... this time I have a bunch of what-if scenarios running through my head and of nothing nice and happy, all bad stuff like my brother getting arrested for no reason I would sue, getting attacked in a bathroom, getting attacked in general and how I would fight back, getting the short end of the stick somehow and figuring out how I would fight, whether it be arguing or physically fighting. I had gotten rid of these what-ifs for awhile, when I thought I had someone who would be there to advise and protect me, but now they are back. It is like I tell my parents when I drive home alone, I am single and alone so you have to be okay and just let me do things alone! I am going to be alone for a long time if not my entire life, and I refuse to not do the things I want, and go places, just because I am by myself. I know it is more dangerous, but I can only be more cautious and as careful as possible. We can all only pray that I will be okay, because if you believe things happen for a reason, even me being hurt or attacked has happened for a reason and was going to happen regardless of anything they or I do. So I need to live my life alone, because that is what I am.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
What is worse for the envrionment, styrofoam or plastic?
I am being lazy because I could do the research to find this out, but instead I am going to draw on my ability to come up with bullshit answers that make sense (according to my best friend from college), let's just call it my "applied logic". :-)
Styrofoam - not biodegradable, if burned horrible and dangerous chemicals are released, not really durable, and ugly, I am not sure how difficult and dirty it is to make, but must be some because it comes out white. How do they do that? Must use a lot of bleach or something, which probably creates a horrible by-product that must be disposed of somehow.
Plastic - only some types are recyclable, but the rest is very difficult and takes nearly forever to be broken down in the environment. Lots of plastic materials pose huge dangers to animals (six-pack can loops, water bottle caps in stomachs, animals getting stuck in plastic containers), I think it has a very icky process to be made and create yucky byproducts.
So, really I don't know which is worse. What other options are there. We can't make everything out of paper, we wouldn't have any trees left. We can't make everything out of cloth, I don't think cereal would stay very fresh. I wish there was a way to make a plastic that was more biodegradable or more easily broken down naturally.
I hope someone out there can tell me which one is worse so I can boycott one of them, because I know our society could not function without at least one of them.
Styrofoam - not biodegradable, if burned horrible and dangerous chemicals are released, not really durable, and ugly, I am not sure how difficult and dirty it is to make, but must be some because it comes out white. How do they do that? Must use a lot of bleach or something, which probably creates a horrible by-product that must be disposed of somehow.
Plastic - only some types are recyclable, but the rest is very difficult and takes nearly forever to be broken down in the environment. Lots of plastic materials pose huge dangers to animals (six-pack can loops, water bottle caps in stomachs, animals getting stuck in plastic containers), I think it has a very icky process to be made and create yucky byproducts.
So, really I don't know which is worse. What other options are there. We can't make everything out of paper, we wouldn't have any trees left. We can't make everything out of cloth, I don't think cereal would stay very fresh. I wish there was a way to make a plastic that was more biodegradable or more easily broken down naturally.
I hope someone out there can tell me which one is worse so I can boycott one of them, because I know our society could not function without at least one of them.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Work work work, I wanted to go back.
When asked, most people were not ready to be back at work today. I was ready to come back and go back to work. I had a long enough visit at home. Granted, I don't ever want to leave my mom, but I was ready to get back to my life, which oddly enough only entails work. I didn't get a single phone call over the labor day weekend, and I didn't call anyone either. I really didn't want to see anyone at home, to have to face the embarrassment of painfully telling them the engagement is over and there will be no wedding. Especially after some of my dearest friends met him and some of my enemies as well. I don't want to make my friends sad, and I don't want my enemies to gloat. Oh, well... I guess I know I need the money, and I know that it is the only thing that will get me some of the things I want in life and able to obtain my goals of a house, SUV, dog, and kayak in the next two years; especially since I am not going to even think of or put anytime into a relationship for another 508 days.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Querencia (something I wrote 5/4/98 and still holds true)
(I was 16 when I wrote this.)
As I sit outside on the wooden swing and gaze at the mountains against the star filled sky, everything seems almost perfect. I often sit there after an argument with my parents. I guess the simple silence and peaceful surroundings calm me down. I often wish I could just melt into the background and become part of the picture. Even though I enjoy sitting there I am not sure it is my querencia. It calms me down, but it doesn't have that necessity in my life. I don't need to sit there every week or month. I could easily leave and not miss my spot too much.
Hopefully, when I get older I will find my true querencia. I plan to have houses all over the country and I'm sure a special place would be found at each one. I guess the most important, or special place to me is with my family. They are the most important people in my life. I want to spend as much time with them as possible. I don't want to have regrets and a place is nowhere as important as family.
As I sit outside on the wooden swing and gaze at the mountains against the star filled sky, everything seems almost perfect. I often sit there after an argument with my parents. I guess the simple silence and peaceful surroundings calm me down. I often wish I could just melt into the background and become part of the picture. Even though I enjoy sitting there I am not sure it is my querencia. It calms me down, but it doesn't have that necessity in my life. I don't need to sit there every week or month. I could easily leave and not miss my spot too much.
Hopefully, when I get older I will find my true querencia. I plan to have houses all over the country and I'm sure a special place would be found at each one. I guess the most important, or special place to me is with my family. They are the most important people in my life. I want to spend as much time with them as possible. I don't want to have regrets and a place is nowhere as important as family.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Pitch Black
My sister and her boyfriend get ever so annoyed with me when we travel home together, so I am quite glad I got to make this trip alone. I think it is because I am literally in love with New Mexico. The beauty, peace, and simplicity of the place is something I adore. Nothing really compares. I probably talk about it so much it annoys people. I just have never come across anywhere like it. There is beauty in many of the places I have been. Fireflies in Rhode Island and the beautiful red brick buildings surrounding courtyards. Chicago with its huge buildings and culture oozing from every corner of the city, as well as its diversity. Hawaii beaches and jungles. Arizona deserts and California beaches. The mountains and snow of Colorado. The huge sweeping green fields of Wyoming. Even Texas has its appeal along the Riverwalk in San Antonio or the nightlife of Austin. But none of these places have New Mexico skies.
At first glance, last night was a pitch black night and I think only those people who live in rural places truly understand the meaning of pitch black. It is the kind of darkness, that even when there is a light on, it only penetrates so far to guide you to it, instead of along the way. However, if you just settle and let your self adjust then look up directly into the sky, you will see the brightness still found in it. Millions of faint stars are visible. Stars that, if you were in the city or near any light, would never be seen. There are so many stars that after looking long enough you see galaxies (those hazy clumps of stars). Now, part of my own crazy thought is, if you look long enough, the stars almost appear closer and closer with the passing moments... and the darkness though still there is now comforting instead of foreboding as it was before. Because you are wrapped in the night sky. It is beautiful. That is all I have to say.
At first glance, last night was a pitch black night and I think only those people who live in rural places truly understand the meaning of pitch black. It is the kind of darkness, that even when there is a light on, it only penetrates so far to guide you to it, instead of along the way. However, if you just settle and let your self adjust then look up directly into the sky, you will see the brightness still found in it. Millions of faint stars are visible. Stars that, if you were in the city or near any light, would never be seen. There are so many stars that after looking long enough you see galaxies (those hazy clumps of stars). Now, part of my own crazy thought is, if you look long enough, the stars almost appear closer and closer with the passing moments... and the darkness though still there is now comforting instead of foreboding as it was before. Because you are wrapped in the night sky. It is beautiful. That is all I have to say.
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