"He's just not that into you" - I guess it really should be that simple

He’s just not into you. – I guess it really should be that simple.

So I started re-reading the book, “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccilo. I am remembering all the things I read the first time around and kicking myself for not sticking to my guns. It makes me think that things went so far because of me, because of what I wanted instead of paying attention to what was really in front of me.

Chapter 1: If he isn’t asking you out, he’s not that into you. Greg says that when a man likes a woman he will ask her out regardless of status or anything else. Liz and Greg back up that they know of NO successful relationships that were initiated by the woman… duh, that was me. I started it and pursued it, no wonder it failed. Greg gives a great example how if he is into you, nothing will get in the way because he will find you, check it out on page 19.

Chap 2: He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
Another major flaw on my part. Getting him to call me was like pulling teeth. There is no reason the guy who wants to be with you should “forget” to call you or “not have time” to call you… if he doesn’t, really does he have his priorities straight? If he is going to be #1 on your list, shouldn’t you be #1 on his list.

Another thing the Greg said in response to one of the women who wrote it was: “…men are cowards and they would rather wait until the en of time than give you bad news.” That is probably why we ended up engaged and in this mess.

Greg says it is so simple…he says

“…you’ll see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every 15 seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have.”

That was our story almost to the last detail…. All of my own fault, because really it is that simple. I see it around me everyday. Those girls I work with who are “happily married”… their guys call them just because… because they found something funny, because they miss them, because they were thinking of them… guys do do that, we have to be strong enough to hold out and not settle.

Chapter 3: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you

This chapter didn’t have a lot to apply while we were dating but now it does. The book makes you (encourages you) to make a vow to not let there be any “ambiguity” anymore about dating or what not. Make sure he know what he wants, a relationship with you and only you, and only then is it worth your time.

The end of the chapter says: If you don’t know where the relationship is going, ask and there is a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend, go find him!

Chapter 4 and 5: not that into you if he’s not having sex with you or he’s not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else.

Not really applicable to me… but I think guys want to have sex with a girl just to have sex with her. So if you girls are with guys who don’t want to have sex with you, really… come on this is obvious. Oh and if he sleeps with other people… yeah not worth the time at all!

Chapter 6: He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk.

I guess this wasn’t true all the time, but he did like me when I was drunk and now toward the end, he did make comments about how he liked being drunk and it was easier then to be with me. But, this is not a good thing regardless. Drugs/alcohol are not the basis of a good successful relationship. If anything, they are only for fun, once in a long while. At least that is my opinion.

Chapter 7: He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.

“Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has some “issues” with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.” P. 79

This was the hardest chapter to read over because it is the cold, hard, sad truth in my situation and I know it but the story on page 84 helped a little. On page 87 Greg also gives a great tip about giving your heart away to guys who make you wonder about their feelings. Bottom-line, DON”T DO IT! Then on page 89, an example of regardless of how they feel about it, if a man loves you and knows it is important to you… he will do it (get married) anyway. So girls, if he doesn’t want to marry you or calls it off, even though it is hard and probably one of the hardest things to do, you have to walk away and just wait for the person who will ask you out, will call you, will find you, will date you, will want to have sex with you and only you, and will marry you! It is hard to wait, but we shouldn’t settle. And really, it should be that simple, that he does. If he doesn’t or isn’t sure, well he isn’t worth your time!

Chapter 8: Not that into you if he’s breaking up with you…

Another really hard chapter for me to read because, hey he did this twice when once should have been enough! How dare me for letting it happen twice! Page 93 points out “If he’s not calling you to tell you he hired a U-Haul to come pick up all your stuff and move it back into his house, then consider yourself a nice, downy little pillow cushioning him from the feelings of loneliness and loss that he’s not fully ready to deal with on his own” if he calls you.

Greg says in response to the, I think he misses me excuse: “a man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he love. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person.” P 94.

Really, read page 103 for what it should look like, but then I am proof that sometimes… that isn’t always true either.

Chap 9: he’s not that into you if he’s disappeared on you

Yeah so if he isn’t there, find someone else who is.

Chapter 10: not into you if he’s married
Ladies, this chapter I have no patience for, if he is in another relationship… well he isn’t with you so get out of Dodge.

Chapter 11: He’s not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a big freak
Ladies, just read this chapter. I think you will find traces of your soon to be EX or already EX in there. I know I did. Gawsh, how was I so blind. Love is blind I guess, too bad sometimes only one person is truly in love.

Chapter 12-14 Well some advice from the authors and some hope. Make a commitment, if how he feels and how you feel aren’t as simple as He loves me, wants to be with me, and will do anything to be with me and the same is true for me… DON”T WASTE YOUR TIME! There are plenty of other people out there and there are plenty of other things to do that are much more productive and a lot less painful!

I saw a rainbow today!

Well it is Labor Day weekend and I picked up and left. I seem to be doing that a lot recently. I am not sure how much more my bank account can handle. I might have to cancel my third trip to Vegas this year. :-) Well, I took a different route to NM, because I went to visit my brother's college campus. I got there kind of late but we ordered pizza, hot wings, and breadsticks. We stocked up on chips and soda and watched the new Ninja Turtles movie. It was a blast from the past. Anyway, back to the rainbows. Well on my drive through eastern AZ and Western NM it was absolutely gorgeous. There was nothing! But, the nothing was rolling hills and green pastures. Nothing but really tiny towns but I knew the moment I headed East toward "home" the skies opened up and there was blue and gray. The sun was to my back and there were blue skies above me, and gray skies ahead. Well, as I continued driving I saw a rainbow for the first time in years. I was driving toward it, and then something even better a double rainbow. It was gorgeous, well until it started pouring and I had to go about 10 mph. However, when I came out the other end, everything was washed clean and the sun was again shining. I saw lots of beautiful things on my trip, and one of the most interesting things I saw was Very Large Array (V.L.A.) you know all the satellites you see in movies all the time. I think I need to take more road trips. They are good for the spirit.

Again!

Grr. IT HAPPENED AGAIN! It is 4:14 AM and what am I doing? Writing a blog because I randomly woke up. Even though I told myself as I was trying to fall asleep, "I will not wake up until 6:30 AM. Oh well. I guess I can only try again tomorrow. I can't wait to go home! I always sleep at home. :0) Well as long as the full moon is over. :0) No, I am not a werewolf, but it is so bright during the full moon, it is like taking a nap in the middle of the day, just not as hot. ;0) You gotta love the mountains! Well, 2 more hours, I better try to catch some zzz's.

Christian music

I have been listening ot it a lot lately. It is pretty "uplifting". It is filled with hope and happiness and brainwashing that things happen for reason. Well, I guess I could use it. I can't listen to country anymore because it depresses me. I guess the main reason I am excited is because there are virtually no commercials on the station, especially in the mornings. I am so sick of the "talk" radio that the background noise, music is wonderful. :-)

Girls can do it too!

Guess what I did today... okay well I took my car to the mechanic. I am going on a road trip so I wanted to make sure everything is in good working order as I drive 500 miles by myself. Well, I had a feeling there was something wrong and well I was right. My brakes are shot. Which baffles me because I had them checked in March and they said I was good for 1,000s of miles. Then I had a visual inspection 4/2007 and again 7/2007. Well now I need new discs AND rotors. Well I am a little bugged, but it happens with cars. I am going to "talk" to them about it tomorrow.

Anyway, now my accomplishment. They said I needed a new air filter. It was going to cost me $35 to have it done there. Well I said not thanks, went and bought myself a $13 air filter and did it myself! Ha! I think I could do the discs myself too, but... I guess I will pay the $500 instead. But you can do the little things, change your wiper blades, air filter, and top of the fluids on your own.

So gals, you can do it too. Follow your intuition, you will be likely right and hey there is always Google! :-) But hey I did it, you can "maintain" your car too.

Tired...

I am so tired. Not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and every other way possible. My mind is finally blank, or maybe it is too full to formulate a coherent thought, or actually think about things. I am tired. I think I will finally sleep today. It was a really good day. I got an email that made me and my co-workers laugh out loud today and well watching the lunar eclipse last night was really amazing and kind of rejuvenating (even though I am tired from getting up at 1am to watch it until 2:30ish). I think knowing I wasn't watching it alone was really comforting. It gave me a sense of renewal. It isn't real but maybe i can just pretend everything is okay and if I believe in it long enough and hard enough it will come true. (I have been watching "Finding Neverland" way too much these past couple of weeks...) Oh if only we could pretend something long enough it would come true...

My psychology training reminds me that if you change someone's behavior you can change their mind. I am trying to use that concept. I am also trying to employ the "self-fulfilling prophecy" concept by saying it out loud and writing things that will help me move one so that if I say them enough and write them enough I will convince my subconscious this is the way things should be and then eventually my subconscious will win over my conscious self to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. But tonight... I am just tired. So I am not feeling anything... wow, I finally found that place, it only took 31 days. I found the place where nothing matters not because it doesn't but because you just can't fight anymore, because you can't feel anymore... I guess that place is exhaustion.

Why can't I sleep still?

So I have this nasty habit of waking up at 2AM, 3:30AM, and/or 4:15ish. I don't know why I wake up at this time. I am not hot, I don't need the restroom. I don't even want to get up. But I toss and turn the rest of the morning until my alarm goes off and then I am so tired I don't want to get out of bed to exercise and I don't want to go to work. This has been going on for weeks now.... I don't know how to make it stop. I don't want to take sleeping pills again.

I seem to wake up and just think. I wish my subconscious could do the thinking in my sleep so I could get some sleep. Isn't that what Freud thought sleeping and dreaming was for, so that you could sort out stuff without being aware of it. So you could address those repressed urges, feelings, thoughts in the safety of the unconscious subconscious.

Well, we will try again tonight. But then tonight I have a reason to wake up. There is going to be a full lunar eclipse. I think they are magnificent! I do love the moon. I have always had this weird irrational thought about the moon.

I have thought this since I was little. It is kind of a comfort thing. I just take the sense that the "man in the moon" is real. Whether I am "talking" to the man in the moon or maybe it is to God through the moon, it is a comfort to know the moon is always changing but with constancy as well... Showing that things change but stay the same in their cycle. I guess I am jealous that there is a "new" moon each month, that the moon gets to start over each month, every 28 days. People have to try harder to become a new person, to start over...

One month! 30 Days, and counting.

So the first 30 days of this 546 day journey has been terrible. There were days that were not so bad as long as I was distracted and around people I care and love. However, in the dark left alone to my thoughts and during most of the day, my thoughts were always focused on the same thing. Maybe I shouldn't keep count, maybe I should mark the supposed end of this journey and just let it happen. Perhaps I keep counting because I am not ready to let go. Perhaps I keep counting so that I don't forget.

I know I partially keep counting for these reasons and also to keep myself grounded in the here and now and to say, yes, it has only been 30 days, but soon I will be able to say it has been a long time when it gets to 90 days, or 100, or 120... I think I also keep counting so that I can tell myself it is okay to still cry. It is okay to still hurt. It is okay that you aren't over it all yet... it has only been 30 days which is only a fraction of the amount of time you spent on your previous journey... it is just this time you must go it alone.

I have to focus on the good things to look forward to in the next 30 days. Like going home this weekend. Seeing my brother's dorm room at college. Las Vegas next weekend. Maybe I will go home for the state fair this year, the weekend after that. I think my cousins may be showing a cow or pigs. I will hopefully begin faculty training and start teaching a class by October. That is a lot of things to look forward to in the next 30 days. More than anything, I am excited to go hiking again on Saturday/Sunday mornings. It is good for the spirit. So it is necessary to focus on those things... to focus on the next 30 days instead of the past 30 days.

Goodbye is always hard

Whether it be a weekend fling, then end of a long visit, an inevitable parting such as death, or the sudden breakup, saying goodbye is hard to do. In fact, the older I get the harder it is to say goodbye.

I just had a great weekend of living in the moment. Priceline.com is my new best friend. Hotels, baseball games, movies. Fancy lunches, fine dinners and random breakfasts. But it all ended with a 2pm flight today and I returned to my now boring and seemingly empty life.

I guess it is a matter of finding something else to look forward to. Well, there is this holiday weekend. Another opportunity to head out of town and visit old friends and make new ones. Until we meet again!