I had the best lunchdate ever today. It was a lot of fun. It was so fun I forgot about the time and took an "extra extra" long lunch. The conversation was great and the food... oh the food was superb. It was all fresh and so unique. It was flavorful, but light and filling too. I definately reccommend as a "fancy" lunch date place. I have heard the dinner is wonderful too, but I think it is out of my price range unless it is for something special (or someone else is paying).
I will go back someday for a special dinner sometime to enjoy some company and maybe a little wine. :-) Guys, this will definately earn you brownie points for taking a girl here. :-)
The atmosphere is very intimate and just sweet. It isn't overly fancy that you feel out of place, and yet it looks like you put a lot of thought into where to take a girl to impress her but not go over the top. Anyway, have a great weekend everyone!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Trying to sleep on the whole bed
So I have had a "full" size bed for about four years now, however I don't know how to sleep on the whole thing. For four years I used about 8 or so pillows to fill up half of the bed and then curl up into a small ball cuddling up against the pillows. Well I am trying to sleep in the middle of the bed now. I still have to put pillows all around me and I have to say I am not sure it is working out very well. I feel like I haven't slept in a week. So...
I am trying to elicit some help... how do you learn to "sprawl" out across the bed? Do I have to get rid of my pillows? I really don't want to. Well, I guess I will try again. Hopefully, tonight I will not wake up at 12, 2, 3, 5:30, 6:15, 6:45 and then finally again at 7:10 with my alarm.
Grr... maybe should go back to sleeping on a twin bed.
I hate being a grown up!
I am trying to elicit some help... how do you learn to "sprawl" out across the bed? Do I have to get rid of my pillows? I really don't want to. Well, I guess I will try again. Hopefully, tonight I will not wake up at 12, 2, 3, 5:30, 6:15, 6:45 and then finally again at 7:10 with my alarm.
Grr... maybe should go back to sleeping on a twin bed.
I hate being a grown up!
STOP
Do you ever just tell yourself to STOP! Stop thinking! Stop doing that! Stop running away! Stop talking! Stop complaining! Stop! Stop! Stop! However, it seems the more you tell yourself not to do something, the harder it is not to do it. It is so hard because you know what you "should" do but so many times you can't make yourself.
Really, I know this is all coming from my lack of sleep. But man... I wish my subconscious would just stop long enough to relax! STOP!
Really, I know this is all coming from my lack of sleep. But man... I wish my subconscious would just stop long enough to relax! STOP!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Lunch Alone - Finding Purpose Later
I never really took/take a lunch break unless it is in a big group or I was meeting my boyfriend. This week I started taking my lunch hour away from my desk. I go to the park and just sit there.
It isn't as quiet as home and it is rather hot outside but sitting alone at the single picnic table staring at the mountains, hearing the planes overhead, cars passing on the main road, and people off in the far distance at the golf course. I sit still listening to the wind, watching the plants dance in the wind, and feeling the hot sun on my cheeks. It all reminds me of something bigger than everything that is out there. It puts me in awe...
It is for this reason I have put aside that "wretched book" a Purpose Driven Life because I know I am not ready to find or know my purpose. Maybe my only purpose right now is to get past this major and heartbreaking event in my life. Maybe my purpose to also help him get past and over it.
I am working on a lot of these but I have always known when my soul needs soothing where I need to go. I need outside and nature, the sky, sun, moon, stars, wind, plants, dirt, and land. I just hadn't been taking time to spend the time outside so that my soul could find temporary peace from the rest of my life.
So I will try to "find a purpose driven life" another time because right now I need to rediscover my soul and spirit, find that before I can direct it toward God's true purpose for me. Besides, Maya Angelou has given me a long enough list of things for me to get and to learn as well...
It isn't as quiet as home and it is rather hot outside but sitting alone at the single picnic table staring at the mountains, hearing the planes overhead, cars passing on the main road, and people off in the far distance at the golf course. I sit still listening to the wind, watching the plants dance in the wind, and feeling the hot sun on my cheeks. It all reminds me of something bigger than everything that is out there. It puts me in awe...
It is for this reason I have put aside that "wretched book" a Purpose Driven Life because I know I am not ready to find or know my purpose. Maybe my only purpose right now is to get past this major and heartbreaking event in my life. Maybe my purpose to also help him get past and over it.
Maya Angelou said:
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... ..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... ..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . ..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . ..
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
I am working on a lot of these but I have always known when my soul needs soothing where I need to go. I need outside and nature, the sky, sun, moon, stars, wind, plants, dirt, and land. I just hadn't been taking time to spend the time outside so that my soul could find temporary peace from the rest of my life.
So I will try to "find a purpose driven life" another time because right now I need to rediscover my soul and spirit, find that before I can direct it toward God's true purpose for me. Besides, Maya Angelou has given me a long enough list of things for me to get and to learn as well...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
What I miss most...
The hardest part of breaking up and ending a relationship in which you talk to someone nearly every day... is just that. You miss the conversations, or at least I do. Your lives become somewhat intertwined so you always have things to talk about, conversations to continue, updates about changes in your individual lives that impact your relationship. Someone to just chat with when you read a stimulating article, someone to yell at the TV with while watching a sports event, someone to discuss the everyday mundane or the big monumental events of life.
Someone to lean on when catastrophe strikes within your own life or somewhere else in the world that makes you realize your mortality. Someone to have those silent conversations with because your souls speak without words. It is funny, because I feel like I have forgotten how to talk to other people. And really, I still want to know about his life and how things are going.
However, I am sure in time my "need" for that will pass, if not my interest because one day he will likely be just a dear friend who I catch up with occasionally. But right now... I think it is okay to really miss him.
Someone to lean on when catastrophe strikes within your own life or somewhere else in the world that makes you realize your mortality. Someone to have those silent conversations with because your souls speak without words. It is funny, because I feel like I have forgotten how to talk to other people. And really, I still want to know about his life and how things are going.
However, I am sure in time my "need" for that will pass, if not my interest because one day he will likely be just a dear friend who I catch up with occasionally. But right now... I think it is okay to really miss him.
Responsible for our own punishment
I can't help but bring it upon myself. Whether it is my conscious or unconscious mind, my memories and hopes haunt me and hurt me. I guess I can't well enough leave my heart alone. I have to prick and poke it until I can hardly breathe. It if funny because I think the heart does ache and can actually feel emotional pain. The brain definitely does. An article I read said that "Social Rejection" manifests in the brain the same way internal pain does (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041026-000006.html). A break-up is very much social rejection at its deepest level so perhaps the brain can be so powerful as to manifest real pain in the body. Another article I read said there is such a thing as a broken heart (http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/Press_releases/2005/02_10_05.html). Though the article says the recovery is faster, perhaps that is true in the physical sense but I am sure the emotional pain takes longer to subside. It is funny, because last night I was talking to my mother and she told me about a seminar she went to where the doctor talked about how the body can fight off, hide, and hold back life threatening illnesses but when a traumatic event occurs in a person's life, their defenses are redirected to that "emotional pain" so that it no longer fights off the life-threatening disease that was there all along. I am not the first to say it and definitely not the last, but the mind is a powerful thing and probably entirely responsible for the emotional pain we feel.
Maybe that is why I have tried so hard to just keep going. I even write my blogs as a straight stream of consciousness so not to think about anything I am saying for too long. It very much is a "just keep going" sensation. Because hopefully, if you keep going, you will eventually get to a place where it isn't there anymore.
Sometimes, I keep going so long and try not to feel that I get this floating and lightheadedness. Not sure what that is... but it almost feels like I am not quite in my body anymore. Like I am barely hanging on to my physical being. I am barely conscious of touching the keys on the keyboard and instead only see the words that appear on the screen. I guess it is really just not wanting to "feel" anything just interpret and see the world because the moment you become "conscious" again, everything feels heavy, breathing hurts, and the body tingles... overall you are uncomfortable and just want it to stop again, so you just keep going. Just keep going... 23 days... tomorrow is 24... the next 25... eventually it will be the distant past but I am not sure it ever stops hurting... only dulls or becomes something you are accustomed to. Maybe some of my friends have the right idea, drinking too much, I think it promotes memory loss. ;-)
Maybe that is why I have tried so hard to just keep going. I even write my blogs as a straight stream of consciousness so not to think about anything I am saying for too long. It very much is a "just keep going" sensation. Because hopefully, if you keep going, you will eventually get to a place where it isn't there anymore.
Sometimes, I keep going so long and try not to feel that I get this floating and lightheadedness. Not sure what that is... but it almost feels like I am not quite in my body anymore. Like I am barely hanging on to my physical being. I am barely conscious of touching the keys on the keyboard and instead only see the words that appear on the screen. I guess it is really just not wanting to "feel" anything just interpret and see the world because the moment you become "conscious" again, everything feels heavy, breathing hurts, and the body tingles... overall you are uncomfortable and just want it to stop again, so you just keep going. Just keep going... 23 days... tomorrow is 24... the next 25... eventually it will be the distant past but I am not sure it ever stops hurting... only dulls or becomes something you are accustomed to. Maybe some of my friends have the right idea, drinking too much, I think it promotes memory loss. ;-)
Monday, August 20, 2007
Country music
I listened to country music for the first time today in 23 days. I had been afraid to because I thought it would make me cry. Well maybe it is because I am too numb to feel or my head is starting to win, but I didn't cry and I wasn't angry. It was just music.
My to do list, an update
So about two years ago I made a to do list of 100 things. Here they are and their statuses. I am still working on a lot of them. Maybe someday!
1. Float down the salt river - done this lots of times, it is so much fun, but haven't gone this year.
2. Go bowling - great date especially if you can drink
3. See a Broadway show
4. Watch a movie in a park
5. Go to the drive in movies - lots of fun, but not for the peak of summer in the southwest
6. Try fondue - had a sleazy car salesman try to seduce me over dinner... not sure I like fondue anymore.
7. Visit a little wine bar and learn more about wine -work in progress
8. Learn to Salsa dance - kind of did, it is awesome exercise and makes you feel sexy.
9. Learn to Swing dance
10. Go to the symphony
11. Go to the zoo - went with work, it was fun, but then killer in the 110+ degree heat.
12. Go to the botanical gardens
13. Walk around downtown Mesa
14. Go to the Phoenix Art Museum
15. Go to a history museum
16. Hike Camel back mountain - one of the most amazing things I have ever done, great for your confidence and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
17. Walk up "A" mountain - fun
18. Watch a D-back game - yeah Carlos Quentin
19. Watch a Suns game - sat in the Toyota club AND went to a playoffs game!
20. Go to a Spring training game - only been to one
21. Go to a driving range - lots of times
22. Attempt to play a hole of golf - played more than one, two sets of 9 holes! I am on my way to becoming a pro.
23. Go to Rome
24. Go to Venice
25. Go to Paris
26. Visit the Louvre
27. Go to Las Vegas - been twice! May be going again in a couple of weeks!
28. Camp at the Lake, Mountains - nothing like pitching a tent in the dark or by moonlight! So much fun!
29. Hang out and watch movies - all the time
30. Sleep - not enough
31. Star Gaze - trying to find somewhere to do this
32. Go to a nice steak dinner - Ruth's Chris count?
33. Watch a college Football, basketball, baseball game - only been to a baseball game.
34. Drink in a German Beer Garden
35. Ride Jet Skis - yay Elephant Butte lake
36. Learn to Water Ski - I got up, once
37. Buy a Kayak
38. Lean to "row"
39. Ride a paddle boat at the Lake
40. See a ballet
41. Go paint balling
42. Ride go-karts - there are some fun ones that go 30+ if you know how to drive
43. Go horseback riding
44. Go for a jog - lots of times, need to do it again
45. Go to a boxing gym
46. Take a kick-boxing class
47. Watch a friend skydive
48. Visit New Zealand
49. Go to Australia
50. Drive a boat
51. Go on a cruise
52. Go to Mexico - been twice now, the beach was amazing!
53. Visit Brazil
54. Go for a walk in the jungle.
55. Visit Alaska
56. Go to Ohio to ride the roller coasters
57. Make silly faces in the mirror to make me feel better and remember it is all perspective - all the time.
58. Laugh until I cry and my stomach is sore - not in a long time
59. Drink Maitais on the beach
60. Spend New Year's with someone special - did this, twice with the same guy, it will be awhile until it happens again.
61. Get drunk at a country concert and sing outloud
62. Win Concert tickets
63. Win the lottery - still trying, maybe tomorrow.
64. Go to Disneyland with the one I love
65. Visit the wineries in Sonoma
66. Take a trip to Sedona
67. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans
68. Watch West Side Story
69. Go to an AZ casino
70. Learn to play craps - kind of
71. Climb a rockwall in a gym
72. Run a half marathon
73. Go to DC and spend days wandering around the Smithsonian
74. Go to Canada - planning on it in the next 6-8 months
75. Go snowboarding - been once, I miss it, need to go again
76. Try to ski
77. Walk the Riverwalk in San Antonio with someone special
78. BBQ brats by the pool and party with friends - 4th of July, it was so fun!
79. Meet new people - a few
80. Have random conversations - as often as possible, especially about psych
81. Go on an overnight hike.
82. Fall asleep in the backyard
83. Run through the sprinklers like a kid again
84. Go four-wheeling
85. Ride a Quad
86. Ride a motorcycle
87. Ride in a Corvette
88. Drive a Corvette
89. Take a Horse Drawn Carriage ride
90. Take a cooking class
91. Try to surf
92. Go deep sea fishing
93. Have dinner on a roadtrip - remember Laguna
94. Play basketball in the park - went a couple times, have to do this again
95. Learn to play tennis - am improving
96. Try ice hockey, or learn to at least stand watching it - getting better at watching it
97. Go to a professional women's football game - go Dre-dawg, my friend actually plays.
98. Find someone to wrestle, have tickle wars, and silent conversations with - found one and lost one
99. Taste every flavor of ice cream at Basking Robbins - Think I will stick to Rocky Road and Daiquiri Ice.
100. Everything else - still working on it.
I realize there are so many more things I want to do. I also realize that marriage or kids weren't even on my list. Maybe it is something I should think about... :-)
1. Float down the salt river - done this lots of times, it is so much fun, but haven't gone this year.
2. Go bowling - great date especially if you can drink
3. See a Broadway show
4. Watch a movie in a park
5. Go to the drive in movies - lots of fun, but not for the peak of summer in the southwest
6. Try fondue - had a sleazy car salesman try to seduce me over dinner... not sure I like fondue anymore.
7. Visit a little wine bar and learn more about wine -work in progress
8. Learn to Salsa dance - kind of did, it is awesome exercise and makes you feel sexy.
9. Learn to Swing dance
10. Go to the symphony
11. Go to the zoo - went with work, it was fun, but then killer in the 110+ degree heat.
12. Go to the botanical gardens
13. Walk around downtown Mesa
14. Go to the Phoenix Art Museum
15. Go to a history museum
16. Hike Camel back mountain - one of the most amazing things I have ever done, great for your confidence and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
17. Walk up "A" mountain - fun
18. Watch a D-back game - yeah Carlos Quentin
19. Watch a Suns game - sat in the Toyota club AND went to a playoffs game!
20. Go to a Spring training game - only been to one
21. Go to a driving range - lots of times
22. Attempt to play a hole of golf - played more than one, two sets of 9 holes! I am on my way to becoming a pro.
23. Go to Rome
24. Go to Venice
25. Go to Paris
26. Visit the Louvre
27. Go to Las Vegas - been twice! May be going again in a couple of weeks!
28. Camp at the Lake, Mountains - nothing like pitching a tent in the dark or by moonlight! So much fun!
29. Hang out and watch movies - all the time
30. Sleep - not enough
31. Star Gaze - trying to find somewhere to do this
32. Go to a nice steak dinner - Ruth's Chris count?
33. Watch a college Football, basketball, baseball game - only been to a baseball game.
34. Drink in a German Beer Garden
35. Ride Jet Skis - yay Elephant Butte lake
36. Learn to Water Ski - I got up, once
37. Buy a Kayak
38. Lean to "row"
39. Ride a paddle boat at the Lake
40. See a ballet
41. Go paint balling
42. Ride go-karts - there are some fun ones that go 30+ if you know how to drive
43. Go horseback riding
44. Go for a jog - lots of times, need to do it again
45. Go to a boxing gym
46. Take a kick-boxing class
47. Watch a friend skydive
48. Visit New Zealand
49. Go to Australia
50. Drive a boat
51. Go on a cruise
52. Go to Mexico - been twice now, the beach was amazing!
53. Visit Brazil
54. Go for a walk in the jungle.
55. Visit Alaska
56. Go to Ohio to ride the roller coasters
57. Make silly faces in the mirror to make me feel better and remember it is all perspective - all the time.
58. Laugh until I cry and my stomach is sore - not in a long time
59. Drink Maitais on the beach
60. Spend New Year's with someone special - did this, twice with the same guy, it will be awhile until it happens again.
61. Get drunk at a country concert and sing outloud
62. Win Concert tickets
63. Win the lottery - still trying, maybe tomorrow.
64. Go to Disneyland with the one I love
65. Visit the wineries in Sonoma
66. Take a trip to Sedona
67. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans
68. Watch West Side Story
69. Go to an AZ casino
70. Learn to play craps - kind of
71. Climb a rockwall in a gym
72. Run a half marathon
73. Go to DC and spend days wandering around the Smithsonian
74. Go to Canada - planning on it in the next 6-8 months
75. Go snowboarding - been once, I miss it, need to go again
76. Try to ski
77. Walk the Riverwalk in San Antonio with someone special
78. BBQ brats by the pool and party with friends - 4th of July, it was so fun!
79. Meet new people - a few
80. Have random conversations - as often as possible, especially about psych
81. Go on an overnight hike.
82. Fall asleep in the backyard
83. Run through the sprinklers like a kid again
84. Go four-wheeling
85. Ride a Quad
86. Ride a motorcycle
87. Ride in a Corvette
88. Drive a Corvette
89. Take a Horse Drawn Carriage ride
90. Take a cooking class
91. Try to surf
92. Go deep sea fishing
93. Have dinner on a roadtrip - remember Laguna
94. Play basketball in the park - went a couple times, have to do this again
95. Learn to play tennis - am improving
96. Try ice hockey, or learn to at least stand watching it - getting better at watching it
97. Go to a professional women's football game - go Dre-dawg, my friend actually plays.
98. Find someone to wrestle, have tickle wars, and silent conversations with - found one and lost one
99. Taste every flavor of ice cream at Basking Robbins - Think I will stick to Rocky Road and Daiquiri Ice.
100. Everything else - still working on it.
I realize there are so many more things I want to do. I also realize that marriage or kids weren't even on my list. Maybe it is something I should think about... :-)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
A new do, a new you...
So I made myself go out last night. I didn't want to go and I am not sure I had fun, but I did it. I even tried straightening my hair and realized how long and out of control it is. My sister did my hair with a "poof" on top of my head (that is what she called it). So I went out with straight hair. Well, as straight as I could get it. :-)
Yesterday was a really hard day. I had cried a lot. I didn't want to go out but I knew I had to make myself. I got a certain sense of empowerment from it. I met up with a girl I had met online to just get out there. I am lucky enough that I have a great sister who went with me for support. We went to the coconut club... it was a slightly older crowd. We also figured out that all the college kids are back in town because it was very busy.
I got through the night, I even got hit on... though I was far from interested. It was funny that no one even looked attractive... but at least I was out there. I think it is going to be awhile before I consider "dating" again. Maybe I should just concentrate on my career for now and figuring out where I want to live and what I want to do. Try and invest in something or win the lottery... meh, whatever.
I think this time, I am not going to chase anyone. If a guy is interested, he will chase me. If a guy is interested, he will come to me. If he is "in love" with me, he will marry me. I think, I am also going to take things very slowly. We are truly just going to date, and he is going to have to do all the asking so I know he is there and wants to be there with me. I am also not going to date anyone who doesn't know what they want... meaning he has to at least know that he wants to get married and wants to have kids and is looking for "the one" to do that with and share their life with. However, that isn't going to be for awhile... because though I was able to go out, and felt okay... no one will compare for awhile. No one will be good enough... and right now they can't jut be good enough, they have to be better than what I had before. Poor guy, whoever he is... he has some huge shoes to fill.
Yesterday was a really hard day. I had cried a lot. I didn't want to go out but I knew I had to make myself. I got a certain sense of empowerment from it. I met up with a girl I had met online to just get out there. I am lucky enough that I have a great sister who went with me for support. We went to the coconut club... it was a slightly older crowd. We also figured out that all the college kids are back in town because it was very busy.
I got through the night, I even got hit on... though I was far from interested. It was funny that no one even looked attractive... but at least I was out there. I think it is going to be awhile before I consider "dating" again. Maybe I should just concentrate on my career for now and figuring out where I want to live and what I want to do. Try and invest in something or win the lottery... meh, whatever.
I think this time, I am not going to chase anyone. If a guy is interested, he will chase me. If a guy is interested, he will come to me. If he is "in love" with me, he will marry me. I think, I am also going to take things very slowly. We are truly just going to date, and he is going to have to do all the asking so I know he is there and wants to be there with me. I am also not going to date anyone who doesn't know what they want... meaning he has to at least know that he wants to get married and wants to have kids and is looking for "the one" to do that with and share their life with. However, that isn't going to be for awhile... because though I was able to go out, and felt okay... no one will compare for awhile. No one will be good enough... and right now they can't jut be good enough, they have to be better than what I had before. Poor guy, whoever he is... he has some huge shoes to fill.
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