The guy I should be looking for...

According to my best friend and college roommate... I should have listened to her all along.

1) Intellectual, able to foster and appreciate your love of thinking and ability to come up with on-the-spot answers that sometimes seem crazy, but always make sense. You're going to marry someone that just wants to lie in bed and listen to you talk about whatever, just because he finds you interesting and wants to hear the sound of your voice (and vice versa). Rational: Whenever you praise the guys you're dating, you always always talk about how much you like talking to them about anything and everything. How the conversations turn interesting, whether or not you have the same opinion. You're very intellectual in a non-snob way and I think you need that in another person. (he had that... but there will be others right...)

2) Outgoing personality, whether that means coming with you to a bar night with your friends and being social or jumping in the truck for a camping weekend by the lake. Shares your enthusiasm for life and adventure, but not over the top. Rational: You're naturally an outgoing person that has a sense of adventure and a need to escape every now and then. You have a real connection with nature and appreciate its beauty. I feel like you want to share that with a partner. (I thought he was this...)

3)Emotionally intelligent, hopeless romantic, and rational. Rational: you talk about your feelings and you naturally have a desire as a psychologist to understand your feelings. You probably want a guy that takes the time to know what he feels, how to communicate those feelings to you, and committed to always being open with you (but yet to a certain extent "be a man" and not be overly emotional). You also want to be madly in love with someone that is equally mad about you, yet rational to know that wild feelings may fade and is willing to commit to you based not solely on passionate feelings. (after we broke up and he came back and proposed... I thought he had this because he wanted to be sure of his feelings... he still does but didn't figure it out and just asked. I think as he "grows up" whoever she is will be very lucky)

4) Family focus, yet independent. Above all, family is utterly important, particularly your family. You want a man who will devote himself to the family you grow together and has similar devotion and loyalty standards that you have in your family. At the same time, you don't want a mamma's boy and you want to be #1 in his life. The family he comes from probably has to be of similar structure/type as yours or maybe he will come from no family or different family but appreciate/want your family-style, but above all he has to value family. I don't think you can escape your long-standing desire for children, but you might prove me wrong.
(The more I hang out with kids... the more I realize I have no patience for them... I would have a nervous breakdown.) I feel like you were never really comfortable with his family, whether that be the class differences, how they treated you, or how he treated you in relationship with his family. (This is very true, this is the area in which we had the most conflict and should have been a red flag... I don't think he ever really trusted me... he never tried to make me a "part" of his family... )

So My EX-Fiance had most of these traits... I was close.... maybe I was willing to settle... but I don't think it wold have been settling. He was the most honest and good person I ever met. He was honest and had so much integrity. He made me want to be a better person and I knew I didn't have much to offer him other than me... but for the first time in my life, I thought I was enough. I would have worked so hard to give him everything he wanted in life... because I thought he would do the same. We only wanted each other to be happy all the time, which sometimes lead to a stalemate... but it was always okay with me. It is so hard because my head understands the logic, understands it probably wasn't right... but you can't control how you feel... what your heart feels. Maybe in 76 weeks my heart will feel something different.

Sleepless nights...

I hate it when I can't sleep. It is one of those viscous cycles that doesn't end. You try so hard to fall asleep and it is precisely because you are trying that you can't. I have a trick that usually works... but not even that helped tonight. I say my ABC's over and over again... well singing it in my head. I do it to just stop the rest of my thoughts, or drown them out because even though most people know their ABC's frontwards and some even backwards... it still takes concentration on the chunking used, as well as the tune and draws on happy memories from childhood that make you feel warm and fuzzy and kind of protected. At least for me... but there are times when it doesn't work... like tonight. When your subconscious mind if overwhelming and you don't know what you are thinking about but your mind won't quit. So going on two days with just a couple hours of restless sleep is going to be fun... I know what is bothering me... but there is nothing I can do about it... so I keep thinking it over... trying to find something I missed. I am hoping this will be enough of a distraction to clear my head for just long enough that I can fall asleep. Wish me luck.

First Friday Night Alone

Well, I guess I survived my first Friday night alone in a long time. I was lucky to avoid it for the last two weeks because my brother was in town, and then because I was at home with my family. I had some invites to go out... but I stayed home and watched Charlie and the Chocolate factory. It was a lonely night, but I kept busy by cleaning and "washing my hair".... ;) It was very bittersweet because of everything I was looking forward to... I was looking most forward to him having Friday nights off. I was like, we can "date" like normal people. I was bummed about the rest, about not seeing each other three days a week, but then I thought it would also be a good "adjustment" period while we were first married. Allow us to get used to each other without being around each other all the time. I was excited and had so many plans... we could go ride the paddle boats a the lake, go for a bike ride together, they have these really cool moonlight hikes at some of the national/state parks around here. We could take a night and drive out to Bartlett lake, pitch a tent in the dark and be back the next day in time for him to go to work. We could go out drinking, dancing, and eat greasy food after 2am when the bars closed... I wanted to go to the clubs downtown, and I LOVE dive bars. We could have finally had a long dinner over fondue... driven up to Flagstaff... taken a day in Sedona... Hiked Camelback mountain... gone to the drive in movies... stayed up talking all night because we could both sleep late... watch a movie and have sex all night without either of us having to go to work... driving out to the middle of the desert to look at the stars and watch the sunrise together. Gone to the grand canyon to do the same.... Share a pitcher of Sangria at Cafe Boa so I could get hime a Caprese salad that he loved so much... play basketball in the park late at night... play midnight tennis.... take walks along the lake... Go to the Ostrich festival and eat until we had a stomach ache... Go to the state fair... play twilight golf... go to a night event at the zoo or a waterpark... catch a diamondbacks game together... watch a hockey game together... maybe even try to get tickets to a Cardinals game.... go to dinner with his family... hang out with my sister and her friends... visit his friends... drag him to a broadway show at Gammage... watch a "movie in the park".... go to a wine bar together so he could teach me about wine.... hit the driving range... ride those go-karts he loves so much... take a 24 hour trip to Vegas... go to a concert... Go to a casino in AZ together ( I still haven't been to one here)... Climb a rockwall in a gym together... sit out on the patio and fall asleep out there in each other's arms... maybe even take a cooking class together... or just experiement with cooking... go iceskating... Share a banana split together... try every kind of shake there is at Chee burger chee burger... go for a midnight swim... trade massages... run through the sprinklers together in the park at night like when I was a kid... play board games... play video games... watch bad movies... and those are only one night iteams on the things I wanted to do...

I guess overall I was looking forward to having a "real" date night. So now, Fridays are a very sad night for me... I will probably stay home on Friday for awhile... at least until I won't feel guilty for being out... until I think I won't feel like I am going out of obligation or to entertain others... I know I can still do all these things, and probably with lots of different people... but it won't be the same... becasue those people may come and go and I will have to relive the memories by myself... if we had been together... we could have laughed and relived the moments together... but hey, at least I have survived this first one. : / I hope he is having more fun on his Friday nights... Actually, I'm sure he is.

August 16, 2007 Day 5 Seeing life from God's view

So someone left a comment on how my perspective is probably off... sure it might be... but I don't care... it is how I feel. It is how I am now seeing things and God hasn't given me much to see it his way... When I argue/debate with other people I always try to see things from their point of view so I an change my perspective... well God... bring... help me see the light. That is all I have ever asked for...

Well day 5 was an entire chapter about God's view... muah ha ha irony... coincidence... or divine intervention? (please know all of this is dripping with sarcasm..) Oh and yes, I took longer than one day to complete the day... I tried to read the entire chapter but I was spending time with my sister and I got tired... but I think I am allowed to still have a life... or was it another test...

This entire built on an eternity... because "life is a test, life is a trust, life is a temporary assignment." Our character is both "revealed and developed by these tests."

Well I told him I wasn't a good person... I have been saying it all along so no one should be surprised at how I am acting and how I have miserably failed this test being bitter, and doubting even more than I did before... fine this is a test... did I pass or fail? I still don't know and will never know until I get to "eternity" where ever that is.

I guess I do have agree that life is a series of tests... tests that are put there not only to prove our worth to God but to ourselves... (that is my flaw... ) so we can see if we meet our own expectations, which I set very high for myself. I will never meet God's expectations... my ex-fiance's pastor said that... so I will only do the best I can and meet my expectations for being as good a person I can be...

Another part of the chapter really hammers home that this life is a trust... we are trusted with "God's things" because he "loaned" us everything we have... and if we prove ourselves by caring for what God has entrusted us... he will reward us with "affirmation, promotion, and celebration." The only one of those things I kind of want is to be told I did a good job... so affirmation.... but i don't want a promotion... I don't want more responsibility especially in heaven for an eternity... I don't want a celebration... that is selfish... I always like to celebrate but only with those special people in my life and only to get to see them... celebrations to me are only an excuse to get your family together and enjoy their company not exactly celebrate the accomplishment because an accomplishment is never just your own... it is through the grace of God, and the influence of those good and bad people in your life that supported and shaped you... it isn't yours... it is theirs.

So... bah to tests... especially when you don't know how you are doing... if you failed or not... or if you are even on the right track.

Okay, until tomorrow then... no more insight from me... beacause there is a whole world out there to disagree with m.

August 13, 2007 Day 4 Made to last forever

The fourth day of my covenant with the what I am now calling the "wretched book." The book is all about eternity. It is the tryout for eternity... well I may or may not believe in an eternity, but I decided a long time ago that regardless of whether there is one or not, I will never be good enough to get to heaven and have doubted God, Jesus, and faith so much during my life that... well I am essentially a lost cause and I have excepted that. It doesn't mean that I am not going to stop trying to be a good person. I know I am pretty selfish and admit that constantly, but I do try to be giving as well...

The question to think about today was: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

Honestly, I don't have an answer for this. It feels as if I have tried everything, working to get things I wanted, just letting things happen to me, planning things, going to church, not going to church... obviously it doesn't matter what I do... when I think I am on the right track I seem to be so wrong because things like this happen and I instead lose so much of myself. I guess I would have an answer to this question if there was a way to know when you are on the right track. You know, I was remembering that one of the times I went to my former fiance's church, the pastor did say that if you are truly living life with God you will be punished constantly... yeah, all I can say is that is a great God indeed. You follow the rules and you suffer... you don't your completely conscious life, the one you know exists isn't so bad... so the logical thing to do is different from what the faithful do... So I have tried to do what the faithful do and I already know I try to be a logical person... I guess this is part of why I am so conflicted because part of me is logical and wants to make logical/right choice, but there is still a part of me that clings to faith. I know it can't all be explained even if I want it to be and I am okay with that.... I just wish we would get some kind of indication we are on the right path... other than having your heart ripped out.

More progress

Yesterday was a good day in retrospect. I made such progress and because of the truly amazing people in my life giving me perspective. I am still not happy nor am I any clearer on how to handle my life, but in their sharing about their lives and showing what truly amazing women they are... I only strive to get their someday.

I am talking about two of my co-workers, one of which is my manager. Both women are are in their 50s probably and they have such positive and healthy outlooks on life, despite what has happened to them in the past. Well yesterday, they weren't talking directly to me, but they were talking about other adults... and well they really showed me how I may end up if I don't let go of this now, which I knew all along, but wanted to wallow in misery.

One of them said, you have to let things roll off you and move on... or you end up unhappy, you make yourself unhappy. It isn't their fault, it is your own. I guess really the conversation was one of those moments where you realize you have to make a choice where you will end up like one group of people or the other, and I want to end up like these beautiful happy women when I am their age instead of the other women we were discussing. I want to be "well-adjusted" instead of petty and like I am still in high school.

Yes, I am very hurt. Yes, I am very sad... but it isn't his fault. He didn't do it on purpose... and why let it poison my life. Just let it go. I know he is... I read an article today that said something like those who do the leaving always find someone new, but those left behind usually lose out because they don't let it go.

I have to let it go... I am working on that, and it has been two weeks and a few days... but those two weeks up until yesterday felt like an eternity... like time that was meant to torture me. After yesterday, yesterday was easier... today was easier.... tomorrow will get easier. They are not easy yet... but easier. I feel like yesterday pulled the dagger out of my heart... yes it is still hurt and needs a long time to heal... but I am not poking at it anymore or pushing the knife in further. Yesterday, I pulled it out and I think I will finally will let myself start to heal.

I don't know what I want, am definitely not making any plans, don't want a relationship with anyone... but... then I guess though I am sad of losing my dreams that were becoming a reality, I guess I have to find new ones, new ones that have me alone in them because that is all I can really depend on. I know I will still have my moments of weakness, I had one last night, emailing about a stupid book, I can just buy a new one. And another this morning, waking up and thinking of him... but I didn't text, I didn't call. And though I thought of him a lot today, I even brought him up in conversation and was able to tell my co-workers I was now "disengaged" (I like this word better than saying it was called off or cancelled... it is merely the opposite of what was). I think I am embracing it and making it in a way my decision too instead of just something that happened to me so that I can feel empowered. I guess it is acceptance and through embracing it and making it partially my decision (a cop our I know, but people rationalize everything) I feel like I can and will eventually get over it.

I still miss my best friend. I miss venting about "stupid people", work, family, and friends. I miss talking and debating. I miss watching bad movies. I miss hearing about his day. I miss hearing him talk about cars and pretending I know something about them. I miss cuddling, and the contact. I also miss the prospect of all these things and many more. I miss the prospect of just dreaming together and talking about the maybes. I didn't have it figured out, I had plans, hopes, and dreams... all of which could have and probably would have changed with time.

But I am going to ride this "high" or surge of momentum as long as I can, because if it gets me through just one more day.... that is two weeks and a few more days. So I will be that much closer to being done with the 76 weeks the Repair My Broken Heart Calculator said I needed, 1.5 years... I think it might just take that long... but it will give me a lot of time to do other things, hey I already applied for a second Masters Degree program. Maybe in a year, I will be teaching... moving... or in a counseling preparation program... I don't have to change everything I hoped for in my life... I just won't get to share it with him. I got my promotion after all... and I cried when they told me, because the person I wanted to tell and take to dinner to celebrate is no longer there for me. I got the good news all alone and couldn't think of who to share it with... I guess I will take myself out for drinks...

The healing has begun... but is far from over

So I have been so mad and frustrated and then the email I got yesterday that shows he is okay and over it already... well that was icing on the cake. I guess, I should admit that I am going to be okay and that the healing has already begun. I did a lot of reading (other than that wretched book with which I am arguing and fighting... I guess I can thank God for Google at least).

I had never known anyone who called of an engagement or had it called off, but thanks to the internet I have found it is rather a common thing (well maybe not common, but not the end of the world at least). I am not happy yet, nor do I think it is fair that it seems those women who have engagements called off are probably smarter and more intelligent than most. I find it sad that these strong, smart, independant women are the ones left behind and who are strong enough and smart enough to take something away from the experience.

It was good to hear that I was doing some of the right things by closing that door completely (or trying to) because it isn't fair to anyone for me to keep hoping he will change his mind or for him to be pressured by my hope. And it wasn't just me who closed the door in the first place... it was the choices that were made.

It was good to see that those people who called it off or had it called off didn't regret it.

I think the one that changed my perspective the most was one called "Breaking an Engagement: A Conscious Perspective."

Several parts of her article in particular struck a chord with me:

"He admitted that he just was not ready to be married. I asked him if that meant he wasn't ready now but would be at some point or if he thought he would probably never be ready for marriage . . . at least to me. He could tell me only that he knew he wasn't ready for marriage right now. He couldn't offer me any reassurance that he would ever really want to spend the rest of his life with me. " (Martha Thieme)

I asked him the same thing and received no response. A few days later, I realized why, because it was that he didn't really want to spend the rest of his life with me.

In another paragraph Martha said,

"... it seemed absolutely silly to me to be engaged to be married to someone who didn't want to get married. I really didn't see any other option but to break our engagement. (I even asked him to give me other options, but he couldn't, simply because there just weren't any.) I realize that "silly" seems like a frivolous word to use for such a serious subject, but that's really how I felt. The whole situation was just plain silly. And the solution was so simple, albeit incredibly painful." (Martha Thieme)

I am realizing that this is the case... the whole thing is just silly and it is stupid for me to want to be with someone who obviously doesn't want to be with me (well maybe that is just stupid). It is silly to want to marry someone who doesn't want that. I tried to get other options too, I tried to bargain... but it was true that nothing I could say or do would change his mind.

I felt a connection to Martha, however unlike her I didn't take it so well. If I were a truly smart, intelligent, confident, and independent woman (like I aspire to be) then I would have handled the situation differently. No, I cried and bargained, and made him feel worse. I got angry and I don't think we will ever be able to be friends again mostly because I don't know how you can trust someone when they break your heart more than once. But I will try... and one day I will be able to face him as well as the other skeletons in my closet because I will be a smart, confident, intelligent, independant woman... someday.

But who knows... I might feel differently tomorrow.

Miserable

The worst thing about this break up and ending of the engagement is that I am going to feel the worst of it for a longer amount of time because it wasn't my choice and I wasn't the one who decided there wasn't enough love, enough between us to work at it everyday. So now, when I get an email, or think of him... I know he may occasionally think of me, but I can tell from his tone and demeanor that he is already happier! How is that fair when he is the one who was the asshole and broke my heart. Everything is better for him now, now that he is rid of me. And my heart continues to ache, and hope... but I guess knowing he is over it all, is happy with his life is supposed to be what I want if I really love him... and it is. I guess it also helps me get over it and not care so much because it just proves how little everything really meant and that it all was just an act. It makes me so mad, and hurts so much... I guess we need to break our heart all the way, until there is nothing left before it can get better.

I was so mad yesterday I was homicidal... at least I was trying to be mad so I wouldn't cry! I could feel my heart pounding and i couldn't breath! It felt like the panic attacks I get sometimes. I was thinking about how just two weeks before he ended it all, we were laying down and I had my head on his chest. I just started crying... because I knew it was too good to be true, I knew I would never be allowed to be that happy for very long. I knew something bad would happen, but I thought it would all be okay because we would face it together... boy was I wrong.

I always seem to be wrong about people. I trust them, and put too much faith in them to be constantly hurt and disappointed. I never stop loving them and just change my expectations... I guess I should never hold anyone to any standard or have any expectations because then... you are never disappointed.

Tired of things happening for a reason...

I know there are a lot of people out there like the woman who left me a comment on the last blog about how I should not be angry with God nor forsake him. However, if he is such a loving and caring "parental" figure, father, then he will underestand and allow me to be angry as every child is with their parents at some point. I was raised by some of the most devout Catholics I know, and the history of my family's faith makes me feel bad everyday that I am not as devout, that I have doubts, and that I am so angry. I cry everytime I go to church... tell me how that is good. I have done so for the last three and a half years. I am so sad that I don't believe more, that I question everything.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Everything happens for a reason...
Okay tell me why then did we break up, we did we broke up, I started dating, I did everything to set myself to move on and was doing okay... I was heart borkent and still sad but at least that time I was trying to take it in stride and thought it was supposed to happen, that we weren't meant to be together even though it wasn't what I wanted. Well, he came back! ... full force and asked me to marry him after we spent some time apart. Now, I was like wow, this happened for a reason, we were really meant to be together.if he came back and I still wanted to be with him... only to find out no... no we weren't supposed to be together... no you can't have what you want and hoped for... So really, what was the reason I had to be heartbroken twice? God wants me to be happy?

Things happen for a reason... well if someone would tell me the reason! This book I am reading says we all have a purpose in life... I guess my purpose is to be used up by others, to help them grow into who they are supposed to be... to be left over and over again... to be alone for my earthly life... that sounds like a happy fate doesn't it? That sounds like God wants me to be happy. You know, really I do give up. I guess that is waht we are supposed to do, just give up and let whatever happens, happen. I did that, and it brought me to him... only to lose not only him but hope, desire, want, ambition, and to be in despair. Because, as I read in my favorite books, to dispair is to turn from God. I have offered all of my self to everyone, I have offered all of myself to God, I have turned the other cheeck and been slapped on both... so yes, I have turned... I know He is there, and I know I will be punished in eternity... but really, at least then I know what I am getting and don't always have to guess and get it wrong all the time so that I am punished for loving other people. I am accutely aware of how God feels when people disappoint him, I know how much it hurts. Well, maybe he deserves to feel a little pain too... so go ahead be disappointed in me... I just don't care anymore.

Only 50 weeks to go

Well today is the two week mark of it being over. How well did I do these two weeks... let's just say it was below satisfactory. I failed to keep my resolve and not contact him or respond to his contact on 5 of the 14 days. That is too high. I figure I have 50 weeks to go before it will be a year... that seems like so long, like too long... but I have no choice. According to the Online Broken Heart Calculator, it is going to take my heart 1.5 years to recover so even another 50 weeks won't be enough... but it is all I can think about right now. I don't know where I will be in 50 weeks... I can't even picture it. But at least it is something... In so many ways, right now, in 50 weeks I want to be anywhere but here. I am not even sure I could handle my job for another 50 weeks, or school, or living where I do. Hopefully it will pass, but there is a nagging at the pit of my stomach that it probably won't go away... as I said about three months ago, maybe it is just time to go home. So in reality I have 76 weeks to reach 1.5 years... but I should probably add on two more since I didn't make any progress in these last two. So the new number is 76 weeks.

August 12, 2007 Day 3 Drive

What drives your life? Guilt, Anger/resentment, fear, materialism, need for approval.

"When life has meaning you can bear almost anything" and according to this book only purpose can give your life meaning.

Duh! But again if God is the one who made us and only allows us to know what is not our purpose through pain and suffereing, how will our lives ever have meaning?

Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

If anything I have been driven by need for approval but at the same time I never sought approval from peers. I was always the outsider for that reason. I want to make my parents proud, but I know I already do that. Before now I was not driven by guilt, anger/resentment, fear, or materialism, but now I fear I will because of the pain and suffereing endured. Because of the fear of being hurt because of the hopelessness I feel.

I dont' know what I want to be! I don't know what I am allowed to want, to be... I actually think I am allowed to have nothing only want it.