A God of Love? If he is a God of love and HE know sour purpose why not just tell us so we may choose in advance to fulfill it or not, so we may chose our pleaesure or pain. Instead we are to wander constantly wondering if it is right and only get hurt along the way because it is supposed to be.
"God is Love" not he "has love" then love is pain, becaue only hurt comes from self-sacrifice to make others happy.
The question to consider today is:
What areas of my self am I struggling to accept?
I am not struggling to accept myself... I am struggling to accept what has happned and understand why and how it is supposed to help me grow instead of becoming closed and defensive. How else could having someone propose and promise to never walk away treat you...
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
August 10, 2007: A new book
August 10, 2007: A new book "A purpose driven life" I call it...
A Life with God is a Life of Pain
Started reading a new book called "The Purpose Driven Life" and it is all bull!
Have you heard of this book, it is some Christian living book that is supposed to help you find your true purpose in life. Well... I decided on a different perspective (probably because this is not the book to read when you are very angry with your life and God).
The same Christian Rhetoric over again... that your life is not your own and it belongs to God and you must fulfill his will and purpose with your life. It is about self-sacrifice and fulfilling His purpose.
So really, God wants us to live a life of pain. Each time I have sacrificed so much of myself through love, another ends up with all the gains such as insight to themselves and who they are and I am supposedly left with experience... but really I think I just get a broken heart and bitterness. The Iconic Jesus did the same thing, suffered and was in pain only to be abandoned by God. Why? For all of us? Ha! He did it for him too. If he didn't, where would he have ended up? Talk about a gun to your head! He didn't have a choice!
Why are we to fulfill God's purpose instead of pursue our own happiness? To get into a supposed heaven? Well that is unknown... all that is known is this life, again another gun to your head because it is about your immortal soul and an eternity in heaven or hell without knowing either exists.
Doesn't sound like a very caring, trusting God to me. Instead he seems very cruel because those people who simply accept what happens to them on this earth as God's will are likely to suffer and be exploited while those who make their way and pursue their wants will be happy on this Earth and may repent at anytime. As this book uses different bibles/versions for the scripture it is all the same false assumption based on the word of God as translated and interpreted by MAN.
So this is what I thought about as I began my Covenant... my 40 day journey. The question for day 1 was: How can I remind myself that life is really bout living for God and not myself?
This is an easy one for me, because the moment you have or hope to have or plan for the things you wanted your whole life, hoped for your whole life, they are taken away and you are told it wasn't meant to be... so that God can say it wasn't your purpose in life... and so can everyone else.
A Life with God is a Life of Pain
Started reading a new book called "The Purpose Driven Life" and it is all bull!
Have you heard of this book, it is some Christian living book that is supposed to help you find your true purpose in life. Well... I decided on a different perspective (probably because this is not the book to read when you are very angry with your life and God).
The same Christian Rhetoric over again... that your life is not your own and it belongs to God and you must fulfill his will and purpose with your life. It is about self-sacrifice and fulfilling His purpose.
So really, God wants us to live a life of pain. Each time I have sacrificed so much of myself through love, another ends up with all the gains such as insight to themselves and who they are and I am supposedly left with experience... but really I think I just get a broken heart and bitterness. The Iconic Jesus did the same thing, suffered and was in pain only to be abandoned by God. Why? For all of us? Ha! He did it for him too. If he didn't, where would he have ended up? Talk about a gun to your head! He didn't have a choice!
Why are we to fulfill God's purpose instead of pursue our own happiness? To get into a supposed heaven? Well that is unknown... all that is known is this life, again another gun to your head because it is about your immortal soul and an eternity in heaven or hell without knowing either exists.
Doesn't sound like a very caring, trusting God to me. Instead he seems very cruel because those people who simply accept what happens to them on this earth as God's will are likely to suffer and be exploited while those who make their way and pursue their wants will be happy on this Earth and may repent at anytime. As this book uses different bibles/versions for the scripture it is all the same false assumption based on the word of God as translated and interpreted by MAN.
So this is what I thought about as I began my Covenant... my 40 day journey. The question for day 1 was: How can I remind myself that life is really bout living for God and not myself?
This is an easy one for me, because the moment you have or hope to have or plan for the things you wanted your whole life, hoped for your whole life, they are taken away and you are told it wasn't meant to be... so that God can say it wasn't your purpose in life... and so can everyone else.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
August 9, 2007
August 9, 2007
Well today was not as bad after crying with my mom yesterday, however I still think it is pathetic that this morning when my bro got out of the shower I thought he smelled like him because of the AXE soap he used and again I got teary-eyed when we went shopping and passed the toothpaste aisle (he was particular about his toothpaste). However, the logical bit of me has realized and accepted that it wasn't no marriage for him ever; it wasn't no marriage for him now... It was the third one, it was no marriage to me! I couldn't help but laugh today because I wondered if he already traded in his car for a new one. I wanted to text so bad to find out...
Well today was not as bad after crying with my mom yesterday, however I still think it is pathetic that this morning when my bro got out of the shower I thought he smelled like him because of the AXE soap he used and again I got teary-eyed when we went shopping and passed the toothpaste aisle (he was particular about his toothpaste). However, the logical bit of me has realized and accepted that it wasn't no marriage for him ever; it wasn't no marriage for him now... It was the third one, it was no marriage to me! I couldn't help but laugh today because I wondered if he already traded in his car for a new one. I wanted to text so bad to find out...
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Trying something new, a journal approach. August 8, 2007
Trying to starte over, yet again. I sent that email and a text yesterday to receive no response. I guess part of me knows the answers to my questions. I still just wish he had never asked me to marry him or I had had the sense to follow through with my previous plan to say we should just date for awhile... didn't I tell my sister that when I first began to hope we might have a second chance? That it was what I needed to do and was going to do? I guess I had just hoped. I don't remember falling asleep last night, but I did wake up this morning hoping for a reseponse to my question. Wondering what he though, how his shift went, if he got any fun calls at work. I didn't worrys so much if he was okay because I know GOd will take care of him. I am bitter because he now knows what he wants in life and now I have no more ambition, I dont' kow what I ant to do. I don't even know if I want to teach anymore. Really I just don't want to think, I think that is why I become interested in the military, because I know there, at least for awhile I won't have to think just do what they tell me and follow orders. Also, I guess part of me wants to put myself in harms way as a test, as a "unintentional" way of maybe dying. Because then I didn't do it; it was meant to happen, it was God's will. I guess I woul rather be scared or put in a situatoin where I have to find something to fight for and a reason to live. I am not going to take my own life, but I wouldn't mind if God wanted it right now. I guess I really just want a fresh start, an opportununity to find me, or make a new me.
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