I give up! I give up on trying to figure out this life and what I am supposed to do with it. I like to think of myself as a rather optimistic person, but I can't hope anymore. It seems that each time in my life that I hope for something for myself things don't turn out the way I hoped they would.
It seems that only when I am self-sacrificing and forget what I want and do what I should or need to do that things go according to some plan. I am getting tired of it though. I love doing things for others, it makes me happy. I want to make the lies of others better.
Now, I definitely know my life is not nearly as hard or horrible as probably a majority of the population. I am very blessed in my life. I have a wonderful family who is always there for each other no matter what. I have my health (even though my blood pressure has risen some), I have my education, a job, a roof over my head, food to eat, and lots of other things.
I guess I give up, because the only way things work out is when I don't try. It seems that when I try at anything, it goes way wrong. I tried to be a pre-med, I was miserable. I tried to work in behavioral health, nearly cost me my life. I tried to make things work in my relationships, and those have never turned out well. I guess it is time to return to my truly slacker ways. I only have a couple of months until I am done with my degree. I only have a couple of months to decide the next stage of my life.
Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe it is time to go home. I think it might be. My spirit is tired of trying. Oh well, I will figure it out, once I am done with my degree. That has become a favorite saying of mine. It is the only excuse I have right now, not to think about things. Because the moment I start to think about things I will feel them, and I don't want to feel anything right now either. So... I give up. I will blame my degree and stay busy until I am done with my degree. Then I will have to call in some of my network connections to see if I can get home. I'm not needed here anymore.
