It's ironic that when you break-up all you want is someone to hold you and say it's going to be okay... and yet there's no one thre to do that because the person who used to is gone.

Dying to hear your voice

I am already dying to hear your voice. I am hoping you will call even though I know it won't be the same. I will continue to hope for so long, even though I know it is misplaced hope. You said yourself, you only want to be friends. Or that in the future if that is what I want, you are there for that. That is hardest thing to hear because it means there is no hope. Besides, I can't do that because I loved you more than anyone I have ever met. You became my best friend! For a time I was closer to you than to my own family, and in some ways I always will be. But that time has passed...

I know that you always want to have that friendship. But it isn't fair to ask someone to do that. When they gave so much of themselves and you want them to continue giving out of the goodness of their heart, even though you know you will never give as much back. I don't mean to make it sound like a this-for-that situation, but I think you know what I mean. To have that trust, love, and type of friendship you have to promise to always be there and last night we figured out, that wasn't going to be.

My heart aches, but I will be okay. I don't hope for me, but I do hope for you. I hope that you figure it out. You won't be happy until you have enough faith in others and yourself to actually allow yourself to be with someone and share a life.

I guess I am just odd to think that a 'shared' life is a fuller life. Regardless of your life being half, a quarter, or mostly full, adding someone you love and care about only increases that fullness because their life is also partially full of joy and happiness which adds to yours and give you a whole other way to be happy by being around them and having them be a part of your life day in and day out.

I do want a lot of things, but I know you can't have them all. That doesn't mean you can't hope and as long as someone is willing to try and you can work through things together that is what counts. Yes, the unhappiness comes alongside the happiness. The questions I ask are, is this mostly good? Do I want to see this person more days than I don't want to see them? Do I want to tell them everything in my life no matter how insignificant? Is there anyone else I would rather have by my side? I never ask, is there someone better, because that doesn't matter. "The grass is always greener on the other side," right? I ask, can we do better to make each other's lives better, fuller, happier, meaningful, productive? Will we push each other to improve and will we try to regulate our faults because of this other person, not because they tell us but because we want to for them? If you are willing to do these things, that is all you need. It doesn't need to be perfect, but the desire to try is what makes things work. But you have to know you want to try, and you have to commit to trying.

You couldn't do that and that's okay. The most unfair part is that you're okay. You were always okay. The people who hope, get hurt the most... but I wouldn't give up hope. Hope is what sees us through. So 11/11/05 - 3/29/07 was a great time. I hope, my life will be that good again.

I hate it when I am right...

So remember my post from a couple weeks ago about being afraid of what would happen when my boyfriend came back. Well, I was right. Yeah it was prolonged and avoided for a couple of weeks, but that is because I had to leave for a funeral and he avoided me using work as an excuse. But last night the truth came out... he had in fact decided or realized over his vacation that we "want different things, at least at this time."

All I can say, is "this sucks."

Alright God, I give up! You win! Forget the life I want, I will lead the life you choose.

It's a good thing summer is almost here!

My song for the summer!

Artist/Band: Andrews Jessica
Lyrics for Song: Summer Girl
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

I drive an Army Jeep
My bumper sticker reads
'Drink 'til he's cute'
That's what I'm gonna do
Ain't got no serious thing
Don't wear a diamond ring
I got a new tattoo
I think you'll like the view
And in my mind
The sun shines
All the time

Chorus:
('Cause) I'm just a summer girl
I wear my flip flops
When I let my hair down
(That's when the party starts)
(The party never stops)
Who needs a boyfriend
I got my girl friends
When we get together
The summer never ends
Yeah yeah, oh oh oh
(I'm just a summer girl)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Tanks tops and cutoff jeans
Bikinis and belly rings
We'll make that scene
When the DJ plays 'Dancin' Queen'
Fellas, lay your money down
We'll let'ya buy a round
Don't push your luck
Don't get more than your hopes up
In my world
Day or night
Rain or shine

Chorus:
('Cause) I'm just a summer girl
I wear my flip flops
When I let my hair down
(That's when the party starts)
(The party never stops)
Who needs a boyfriend
I got my girl friends
When we get together
The summer never ends
Yeah yeah, oh oh oh
(I'm just a summer girl)(Oh, oh, oh, oh)(Oh, oh, oh, oh)


Everybody needs a little bit of sunshine
Everybody needs time to unwind
Everybody's got to have a good time
(I'm just a summer girl)
Everybody get up on your feet
Everybody got to shake your body
Everybody got a right to be free
(I'm just a summer girl)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
(I'm just a summer girl)