A really long Friday, a really long week

Nothing interesting today. This week has been a really long week since Wednesday! I think it all happened because we had a potluck for Valentine's Day. It was nice but to slack off in the middle of the week and then have to focus for two more days, that was not at all fun. The days dragged on and on... (much like this post). However, today had some merit. I took the branding tutorial for my company and am actually hopeful. I think our company, University of Phoenix, is headed in a good direction. They are doing some smart things and I actually think the company's vision is in the right place. They also did an all employee survey. I think it provides a lot of good information, but it doesn't really address the problems most departments face. All I can say is it seems like they are really trying. That is at least hopeful.

Valentine's Day is what you make of it

Text messages, IMs, and electronic game devices are the modern way of communicating and hanging out. I have never liked Valentine's day, and most of my planning for this year was non-existent. I text my boyfriend to tell him Happy Valentine's day before I went into my four hour class. I guess life is always going to be this busy and you have to enjoy what you get, and really put effort into any thing more. I think this was the first year I really enjoyed Valentine's day and mostly because it wasn't different from any other day. I went to class then my boyfriend made the 20 minute drive to get to my house around 11. He brought Champagne, Ice Cream, and Flowers! He then said he hadn't had a chance to eat dinner so I ordered Pizza. Then we laid in my bed eating pizza, drinking champagne, watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (because we didn't have a romantic movie and I didn't want to leave the house to get a leftover from the Blockbuster on the corner). It was great. We ate, talked, and turned off the movie when we got tired. We didn't even eat the ice cream... It was a typical night... but I really enjoyed it because it was the first time in a week we had made plans to intentionally be with each other no matter what our schedules looked like. So I got up and came to work... I am quite tired since we went to bed around 1:30 in the morning... but it was worth it.

What I want

A condo, a black Lab, SUV, and a kayak... If I had these things I think somehow I would be able to reconcile myself to being content to not having "someone" in my life. In fact there are moments where that is all I want right now even though I have been with someone for over a year. I guess it is because I have slowly realized that I am not sure I love him. I care about him a great deal and want him to be happy and successful. I want to take care of him and I really like being with him all the time. We have really good conversations abut many many things... but then I hesitate because we really don't have very much in common. Our politics are completely opposite, desire to have kids, value of education, outlook on life, interests, and essentially everything. I start to wonder if the only reason I am with him is because it is convenient. Then I think about it, and it is only convenient for him. I put in a lot of effort to be with him and I am trying to figure out why. The more I think about it, I think it is because I am "in love" with the idea of being with someone. However, I look at the relationships around me and realize I don't have one... I don't have someone who would do "anything" to be with me. The more I think about it, the more I think I deserve that. I deserve someone who appreciates me and what I do, values what I say and think, is willing to listen to what I have to say regardless of how trivial it is if only to laugh at how excited I get. I deserve someone who wants to see me everyday; no matter what. I deserve someone who wants to be in bed next to me every night. I deserve someone who misses me after one day of not being with me... because that is how I feel, that is how I intend to love someone else. I would give up anything and everything to be with that person... put their needs and wants before mine, but I deserve someone willing to do the same. I am not sure I have that. The more I think about it, I know I don't have that. I guess I have been blind to realize that he has been giving subtle hints for me to decide this on my own... because he doesn't want to hurt me. I've done everything I can to show I want to be with him all the time... but he hasn't done the same.