Goals

As an American I am driven by success; the definition of which is so much easier when you are a kid. Get good grades, make a million dollars, go to college... the goals are clear. As you get older, the goals get more fuzzy... be happy... be successful... find your passion... who knows... i don't really know what I want anymore. It is so hard, I want a family, kids, husband, but I want to go to school and make some money... I want to travel, see the world... those are all long-term things... and they seem so far away that I can't even see how to get there... mostly because I am stuck right now... I am stuck because I can't figure out my short-term goals. I am a happy person... unfortunately though for the fist time in my life... and for reasons I don't know why, I have become more superficial than I have ever been in my life. I don't know if it is the crowd I have begun to "run" with ... influence of my co-workers... or hearing about my friends from school who are "huge" successes. I love the people in my life. That hasn't changed. I love everything about them and i know they love me. I don't know why I have become so focused on "things"... it might have to be that I am stuggling right now to find what I want to do. I am struggling to make the money I want/need to do the things I am intersted in... well we will see... I just needed to get mad at myself... I am not thinking very clearly.

Guns and Boys

I grew up around guns my entire life. My uncle is a professional gun collector and dealer. My dad was in the military 20+ years and has a collection of his own. I am probably one of the few girls in this world who bonded with her father over cleaning rifles and shining army boots and yet... I realized something very odd the other day. I find it extremely odd to think of other people having guns. I decided to discuss this with my sister who had a similar upbringing to challenge my way of thinking and as a way to try and figure out how I could be so naive...

Okay so in addition to having a dad and uncle who are a little obsessive about guns. I am from a rather rural state. Everyone I know goes hunting and I mean really goes hunting up in the mountains with snow and lots of wild animals. My guy friends would get to skip school for a week to go hunting with dad. I have been to machine gun shoots, gun shows, and my friends knew a lot about guns... I only felt unsafe around a gun one time in my life... when I was at a party with a stupid gang banger... I left immediately. Otherwise, everyone else in my life that I knew was responsible about guns.

Well, now as I get older... it is so so SO weird for me to think that other boys who own guns. I can't see any reason why someone would own a gun unless they really knew a lot about them and collected them. Well my co-worker's husband has a couple of guns. He is a military guy (navy) and I have met him and yet is is still weird for me to think he has more than one gun. Maybe it has something to do with city living and not seeing what the use of having more than one gun is... I know you have to use different guns for specific hunts (my dad got a license for a muzzleloader hunt) but unless you collect, regularly shoot, or see guns as an investment what is the use of more than one gun for protection.

Granted I am not trying to question why anyone should have the right to own a gun. It was just really surprising to me. I guess it also surprised me when my guy friends have their guns out and about.... maybe that is more the issue knowing that these BOYS who I know just leave their guns.... there. My dad had guns yes.. and they were always in the house but he NEVER left them out in plain view when someone he didn't know extremely well was around or if there was ever a kid around. They were always up in the closet out of reach...and now he has this HUGE gun safe. My uncles and friends at home were the same way... there was always a lock. Maybe it scares me that I am in a city where there are more people to just take a gun....

I don't know if it is that I just don't trust others with guns or what. I guess the fact is I don't necessarily trust myself with a gun and I grew up around them my entire life so I question the abilities of others... I am not afraid of guns, but I respect guns. They are heavier than you would ever suspect and seeing the damage and penetration they can elicit is, well scary. I guess I am afraid of the people behind the guns, especially when I don't know them. Okay so I contradicted myself... it happens. Maybe I should buy a gun. Then I will have to write about girls with guns and wow we might then take over the world. :-)

Finished!

Woo hoo! I just had my last class tonight... well the last class of my first class in my MBA program. It is really unfortunate that I had such a negative outlook on the class. I was so lost most of the time. However, I was comforted tonight when half the room said they had problems with the last four steps in the problem solving model we had been using the past six weeks. I must confess that I finished my final paper (23 page paper) less than 30 minutes before class. The last four steps in the nine step model we were learning have absolutely no meaning in my paper. It is so top heavy I am going to be lucky if I don't fail the class. I didn't have time to even BS the last six pages. I basically wrote whatever rolled off my tongue in that instant. I am so afraid that I refuse to go back and reread my paper... However, I am quite confused because the team paper we wrote last week received a perfect score and there were TONs of mistakes... I wish that could have been my final paper since I wrote the majority of it. Meh, it doesn't matter so long as I pass the class... the important thing is I am done!!! Woo hoo! Now I have four weeks to find a second job, run a half marathon, and put myself in a better position to move forward in life. :-)

Understanding

There are those rare moments in life where you think that someone knows you. Knows you better than you know yourself. Most often it happens with family and those friends you have known for years. Sometimes though, you run into those people at different times in life who are there to remind you that you are better than who you have become. That you are not at your best, and there is always room to improve... not that you aren't good enough now. Maybe you are the "best you can be now", but that doesn't mean you can't do more. Maybe you have only become comfortable and settled with where you are in life, it is then that something puts people in your life to push you forward and help you get back on track. It doesn't matter how many times we resolve to do better and then fall back to what is comfortable as long as we move a little forward each time. Hopefully this time I will move a lot more forward because I have been stuck for awhile. :-)