I can't believe how many times I was told today to not "rush life". I don't intend to, but I want to get things figured out and get things done before it is too late. There is so much to do and see in this world. So much to accomplish... and yet I am not the most ambitious person when it comes to money or success, there are a lot of things I want to do that require one or the other. The only reason I want either is because they make the world so much smaller and allow you to see more and meet more people. However, contentment of the heart is never far away. I guess even though I have been rushing, I was also waiting. It took me four years of school to realize that as independent as you can be or are.... things are so much better when you have someone to share them with. I love driving by myself, exploring new places, but I do it because I have something to return to, or because I want to take someone to share it with in the future.
I am scared of the world. Gallivanting around the world is so easy for some people to do alone, and I can do it but... when you return who do you have to "relive" the memories with? Who do you have to remind you of all the embarrassing moments you tried to forget, or remember different details of the trip than you did. It is together that you "reconstruct reality". Sometimes you can't wait though... and sometimes you are willing to change what you want to see and do because of who you meet and see the world through their eyes. So rush I will... because rushing is still living.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Actions and Words
Actions and words
I have been told too many times that I fall in love too easily. I have been told that maybe it is just that I have a lot of love to give. Sometimes this makes things hard because I can't figure out when it is a "temporary" love and the forever kind of love. I have been so careful my whole life to guard the phrase "I love you". I never told a single guy I dated, regardless of how things were going that I loved him. Even when dealing with friends it takes me a long time to "let them in". I have so many defenses up that I know I make it hard for someone to love me and regardless of whether I love them or not I don't tell them. However, there is something that communicates how we feel regardless of what we say... our actions.
Sometimes no matter what we think and how hard we try to hide how we feel, what we do for others is what truly demonstrates what is important to us. I have fallen in love three times in my life. Three different boys changed my world forever. Granted the relationships were short, and we were never meant to be forever. At least I knew that with two of them. The third and most recent is the one I lamented over for the past few months (for those of you who have read my blog, you know this and how boring a topic it had been) and now I am not so sure if it is because I was in love with him or infatuated by him. I think I was in love with an idea and that when I lost him I lost so many of the social aspects of the new life I was trying to create for myself in a new place.
Well a little more than a year later I met someone new, and things have moved oh so fast. It is strange how fast they moved but I put up little fight to slow them down and so did he. It is really comfortable with him. I am not afraid to ask for what I want. And more than anything I am not afraid to say what I think and how I feel. I mean actually I was terrified, but I realized what you say doesn't change anything if it is the way you were feeling all along. It doesn't change the way you act or what you do or even what you expect from the relationship regarding how long you are together or the direction you hope the relationship takes. It is just there. Emotions are just there regardless of what you want, or what you think may happen. It is completely possible to feel something and not know why or what you want to happen, but you know that you do feel that way and that is enough.
I have been told too many times that I fall in love too easily. I have been told that maybe it is just that I have a lot of love to give. Sometimes this makes things hard because I can't figure out when it is a "temporary" love and the forever kind of love. I have been so careful my whole life to guard the phrase "I love you". I never told a single guy I dated, regardless of how things were going that I loved him. Even when dealing with friends it takes me a long time to "let them in". I have so many defenses up that I know I make it hard for someone to love me and regardless of whether I love them or not I don't tell them. However, there is something that communicates how we feel regardless of what we say... our actions.
Sometimes no matter what we think and how hard we try to hide how we feel, what we do for others is what truly demonstrates what is important to us. I have fallen in love three times in my life. Three different boys changed my world forever. Granted the relationships were short, and we were never meant to be forever. At least I knew that with two of them. The third and most recent is the one I lamented over for the past few months (for those of you who have read my blog, you know this and how boring a topic it had been) and now I am not so sure if it is because I was in love with him or infatuated by him. I think I was in love with an idea and that when I lost him I lost so many of the social aspects of the new life I was trying to create for myself in a new place.
Well a little more than a year later I met someone new, and things have moved oh so fast. It is strange how fast they moved but I put up little fight to slow them down and so did he. It is really comfortable with him. I am not afraid to ask for what I want. And more than anything I am not afraid to say what I think and how I feel. I mean actually I was terrified, but I realized what you say doesn't change anything if it is the way you were feeling all along. It doesn't change the way you act or what you do or even what you expect from the relationship regarding how long you are together or the direction you hope the relationship takes. It is just there. Emotions are just there regardless of what you want, or what you think may happen. It is completely possible to feel something and not know why or what you want to happen, but you know that you do feel that way and that is enough.
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