I was driving in a car to start a new life, a life of my own. I was driving alone thinking about my life and trying to figure out where it was going. I didn't know what I wanted in life, but I knew I needed to grow up. I wanted to grow up, to become more independent. A year later, I am not sure if anything has really changed. I have lived life. In the past year I think I have really taken one step forward and three steps back about two times. Right now I am in the stepping forward period, but to get here I had to take three steps back.
Moving to the first step forward. I got a job, a boyfriend, and was generally happy. It was the first time in a long time! My job was really stressful and not what I wanted to do with my life, but it was an amazing learning experience. My boyfriend was perfect (or so I thought). He provided me with the support to go on. He provided the open comforting arms I needed so much after a hard day at work. Our life together was content. I was paying my own bills, saving some money, and doing new things, slowly but surely. I knew I wanted to get a different job and eventually return to school. I thought I had it figured out.
Here I am a year later. I didn't really get anywhere. I started a new job a few months ago and am mending a broken heart. Things are mostly just pending. IF I get hired on permanently where I am, I will be in good shape, at least for one of my ambitions in life. I will be able to go to school for free for anything I want... which is good because I don't know what I want. I have a "to do" list that is six pages long, of random things I want to do in life. The things on this list range from seeing the master's artwork in France to going bowling and rolling three strikes in a row. I want to live. The hardest part of this list is that for so long I have made memories by myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want someone to make memories with, to make mistakes with, and to grow up with... or at least support me while I do these things. It is funny the first half of the year here I fought not to fall in love. The second half of the year I have been trying to fall out of it. Well, it is a new year, at least for me. I am slowly moving toward embracing my life as it is. There is a line in a song that says "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." Well, he is laughing at me because I am so far away from what I planned.
I never wanted to be alone or adventurous. I never wanted to "date", go out and drink, or travel the world. Now it seems that is what I am meant to do. My spirit has become so restless. Maybe it is just the heartache talking that I feel I need to keep moving or risk being hurt, but it doesn't seem I am to stay... well only time will tell and yet I realize how precious little time we have in life. So again, a year later, I step forward...
