How to know when you are over someone...

I know I am over someone when I stop hoping they will come back and start day dreaming about Mr. Right.

An Ideal Situation: Tug-o-war between the heart and the head

What do you want in a guy? What do you want in a relationship? What do you want out of life? Young adults think about these questions all the time, or at lease I do. Many feel they are easy questions because you get to answer them all on you own. They are completely subjective answers. The difficult part is what you want today may not be what you want in a few years.

Here is an example of an ideal situation but the timing is off. There is this man I have been “seeing”, I use this term loosely, for a couple of months now. He is 35, I am 23. He is perfect and would make a great long term partner. He is stable, secure, and a lot of fun. He is a college professor who is quite intelligent and cultured. We enjoy many of the same things: the theatre, cultural events, the outdoors, paddling/rowing, traveling, salsa dancing poorly and new experiences.

He is working on attainting his tenure, does consulting on the side, knows how to and does works hard. He has his own house and enjoys fixing it up. He would make a good husband and father. He is sweet, romantic, funny, gentle, and most importantly patient.

But…
I have never kissed him and many times when we get physically it feels weird. I don’t know think it is the age thing. My sister says it is because he isn’t that attractive, but I think it is because he has it all figured out and I am not there yet.

He knows what he wants in life and is getting it. I know I want to settle down, get married, and have kids but not right now. I need to still make a ton of mistakes and figure out who I am. I guess I want to be someone I can “grow” with. I want to be with someone who wants to figure things out with me. Someone who is still dreaming and wandering through life a little. Someone who still has doubts about their career and if they want kids or not. I want someone who wants to make those decisions with me. I know you make decisions in any relationship but, I want to be with someone who hasn’t has as much time to think about those things as this professor.

I want him to be secure and a hard worker until he figures things out. I want someone who wants to do things, spontaneously and be reckless occasionally. I want someone to fall in love with. I guess that is what really irks me about this situation. I know I could be okay, financially set, intellectually stimulated, emotionally stable, I don’t know if I could have kids with him yet, or ever be really passionate about our relationship. But, I can’t necessarily see myself with him in five years. I think the idea of security is very alluring, but I think I would get restless and want a change because he has a routine built into his life that he has kept for many years already.

I am stupid because if I were smart I would really give this guy a chance and see if I could fall in love with him. But something is holding me back. I think it is because I want a relationship where I can help my partner grow and become an amazing person thorugh support and I want them to support me and help me become an amazing person. I want us to be a part of each other’s successes and failures. So in the end, I am ruled by my heart.