The Power of the Little White Skirt

I think I read in a book something about a woman's toolbox and one of the things she should have is a little and I mean little white skirt. Believe me, I am not one for wearing white or skirts.... but men are so easy. If you ever need a boost to your confidence, I say try it. Put on a little white skirt add a bounce to your step and go out to a bar. You will definitely get some attention, don't get something too tight, but get something that can bounce a bit. Well I hope you have fun!

My feet hurt....

Salsa dancing on Thursday nights has become one of the highlights in my life. Too bad it is going to end soon since I am going to be starting a new job and all. I am a little intimidated by this job, again I am jumping into the deep end of the pool and all I know how to do is doggy paddle. I guess I don't feel like a job is worthwhile unless it is really really hard.... so why I can't I find something that is really hard and pays well? I love dancing with Levi he is so much fun, we have a bit of a language barrier but it is a lot of fun nonetheless. He just isn't that attractive to me. Well, maybe it is that my raging hormones have ebbed and I am again satisfied with being celibant, at least for awhile. I saw my ex today. I tried to make things and inaccurate (is that a word) as possible but for some reason he still doesn't look me in the eye... Or maybe it is that I don't look him in the eye. I know I was a total drama queen for awhile when it came to him... But I getting over it. It is my unfortunate circumstance that I still love every single one of my ex-boyfriends and would take any of them back in a half a heartbeat if they asked me... So it is good that they all run away from me. I have told so many people this, but I only know one way to love, and that is with everything that is in me and with every part of me. So many people in my life have only one role, one part of me, they are either a physical part of my life, a social part of my life, or an emotional part of my life, and I can handle not mixing them. But a lot of people don't go for that... To me, when you cross those categories, when I put you in more than one, it is because I intend and feel like you will be a permanent part of my life. It is easier to forget someone if you only think of them one way, (more psych stuff with neural networks) than if you have more than one path to their memory... So with these guys I let into my life, I intended for them to be a part of it forever. Maybe not as my boyfriend or husband... But as a part of my life forever, because I think of them constantly. Dana's memory still wanders into my head all the time and I will never ever forget his touch on my cheek. It was one of the most physically exciting, and emotionally reassuring things that ever happened to me. The second guy I loved was more complicated... he brought out the "porn star" that was trapped inside me. He showed me how to be sexual, but then I had some of the deepest and most intellectual conversations in my life with him, we were so different and yet we understood each other. This most recent guy was one of the nicest boys I have ever dated and I still haven't quite figured him out. My experience with him was a little more like I was a teacher at times, he made me feel embarrassed and inadequate at times, he pushed me outside of my comfort zone... but for some reason I feel like my relationship with him was better than the others and yet so much worse. We couldn't talk about anything now that I think about it, we both liked to listen, but he wouldn't express how he felt, he was fun to mess around with... He definitely has potential to be a good husband, and very loving father... you know I can't say anything bad about him... I still defend him to people who say mean things, and it hurts me when they joke about him... Maybe it is just my pride though. Maybe I get upset/hurt because I feel invested in him. I wish things had worked out... or at least not ended the way they did... but I guess that can't be avoided when one person feels more than the other. I know what it is... He is the first guy I ever told outloud that I loved him... and I always will, but it will only be as a friend from now on, I am almost there at least.

I don't want you to like me, I just want you to fuck me!

Okay so the title to this blog sounded like a really good idea when I was talking to my other really empowered female friends in my same predicament... All graduated from college and single, not wanting any complications of emotions in relationships right now because we can't figure our own lives and don't want to get caught up in making life decisions around another person. Here we are being empowered women, keeping things on our terms, being the "man", having one night stands, leading guys on, getting what we want first!

Then I talk to my sister who tells me I need to settle down because guys talk. It if funny, that yes I have gotten pretty trashed, talked a lot of shit and acted ridiculous but have I actually done anything? The answer is NO! In my month of being pseudo-promiscuous, flirty, fun, talkative, and recklessness, I have only hooked up with one person. If I were a guy, that would be unacceptable!

You know I walk the walk in a relationship... I follow through and am all about making the other person happy, compromising, being honest, trusting, and yes sexually active in a safe and mutual beneficial way. In a way that is connected, emotional, and intimate... BUT, girls are human too and sometimes we just want to have sex! Why does it have to be complicated. Guys talk about girls being slutty, but girls may just mention a guy is, they don't compare notes about it, and if they do, they all use him for the same reasons just like guys use girls for the same reason. So why is it so bad for a girl to be that way? Come on lets face it, we are all in our 20s and just aren't ready to lock up and settle down for life... We are too curious about the what ifs, especially if we have recently had our heart broken.

So I can keep up my behavior but I need to expand my horizons either by hooking up with guys I don't know at all or work on my current situation of having one booty call and one guy to take me out... And just let the rest of them talk and realize, they ain't gettin' nothin from me! So talk, the more you talk, the slimmer your chances get. :-)

Why aren't you hooking up with your students?

It wasn't too long ago that on American TV there was a story about a teacher who had gotten pregnant by one of her teenage high school students and they were now planning on getting married. Well, this case isn't that extreme but in college there is always a certain amount of "interaction" between TAs and their students. Yeah, it isn't supposed to happen and most of the time it doesn't until they are at least out of the class, but I have one of the sweetest friends in the world and he won't even entertain the idea. Here he has been teaching the same students the entire year (he graduated 2004 and his students are class of 2007, I think) and he didn't set himself up to have some "fun" before he trots off to the other side of the country for medical school. All I have to say is I am disappointed in him. Perhaps guys don't understand that not every girl is looking for an "until death do us part" relationship. Or maybe girls don't realize that a lot of guys are looking for an "until death do us part" relationship.... hmm I am going to have to think about that some more... Anyway I am getting off subject.

Well, after scolding my friend, I informed him he could NOT have a serious relationship until he got out of medical school and he should be messing around with the little sophomores who aren't all that interested in long-term stuff anyway (right now) but could be good potential for the future. His response, all the cute ones are taken already... All I have to say is "I told you so. "

Why can't my friend have a serious relationship now... well there are many reasons! First I think there is some statistic about how those relationships formed in medical school (especially with another med student) don't work out and my friend needs to have some fun before then and during med school. Come on how much more game can he get... a med student soon to make six fiures a year, cute, sweet, innocent... He will have girls crawling all over him... He damn well better use it, or I will steal his identity and pick up those girls myself...

Besides, in med school he will not have the time or emotion to waste on a relationship, yes a girl said waste on a relationship. Secondly because my friend needs/deserves someone (once he is done with school) who will give him every bit of attention he demands (not needs but demands) and she will have to want to do that for the rest of her life otherwise she doesn't deserve him... (whoa don't I sound like a protective sister..)

So sweetheart, as one of my previous posts said, and a wise friend told me... It is spring, and you know what that means.... so get to it or I will have to get you drunk, take you to Mexico, and make sure you have a good time. :-)

Today I raced with a butterfly

I could feel myself getting lost, being pulled in every direction, wanting to just go and not look back. The steep grade of the small hill gave me a quick burst of speed as I neared the bottom on my faithful but rusty bike, and just when I thought I would turn back to the familiar, to the safe, because of the unclarity that lies in all other directions but the one from which I came, a butterfly zips past me. The small creature whose orange color was enhanced by the black markings along the wings whizzed back and forth in front of me, taunting me to try and keep up, to make up my mind about which way I am going. The fluttery wings of the now small annoyance flapped occasionally to gain speed and then rested as the butterfly would float in one direction and then dart in another. We stayed along side each other for a few more feet when I hit the bottom of the hill and the small thing decided to head up toward the mountain. I applied the brakes and stopped to look up and around me. Looking out I saw so many things. Before me is a lot of opportunity to accomplish great things, to fail miserably, and above all to survive. I know that any path I take is endless in nature until my death, but some appear more clear than others. Standing alone in Papago park I saw a bigger metaphor for my life. I was nestled between the mountain and teh valley, with my way back to where I came clear as day, but with a sense of adventure beckoning in the other directions. The many paths I am thinking about are clear for some time but I know fully there are obstacles along those paths too. Some of those obstacles are farther away and cannot yet be seen and I must first be willing to take the risk of starting those paths before they become clear. However, then there are those paths that begin with a mountain to climb and there is no way of knowing how easy or rewarding things will be right after the steep ascent. The butterfly choose the most difficult path and perhaps the most rewarding... me, though I have the desire to fly, I turned my bike back to the known and came home. Maybe someday that will change.