Who the heck plays hockey?

Okay so I went to a minor league hockey game with my family over the weekend and I have a couple of questions... What kind of person plays a game where you are intentionally slammed into the wall, have a small black object hit at you going over 90 miles an hour, and where the refs stand back and let another player kick your ass... So again I ask... What kind of PERSON plays hockey?

The response I have gotten so far is: Canadians. :-)

How happy a place can heaven be?

I was sitting there listening to a country song today and I started to really think about heaven and what it is really like. No I have not read the book of revelations in the book but I have a ton of questions that I am not sure are answered even in the "holy" book. Questions like:

When one goes to heaven, do you remember your life on Earth, because if you do woudln't you be sad that you left so many behind.

When you go to heaven, in what form is it? Most likely it is our soul, our spirit... but then how do we recognize those we so anxiously go to heaven to see, and if they don't remember their lives on earth how would they remember us. And to me it is a very sad thought that we will not remember those on earth that we leave behind in order to be happy. Then I wonder how old are we in heaven. Do we go to heaben with all our experiences and knowledge that we gathered on earth? If so then can we ever be really happy in heaven, because there will be regret and sorry attached to so many times in our lives.

I really wonder if there is emotion in heaven, because it seems impossible to me to be happy without those that we love.

Can a heart truly ache or break?

Do you ever catch your breath and feel a throbbing pain in your chest when you get in a fight or feel all alone and remember when things were simple and easy? When do you feel alone? I was told not to allow my life to be consumed by some guy... And I would say by all accounts I am not. I go out, I dance, I smile, I have fun... But there are those moments of utter and profound sadness that I feel and I can't shake. Those moments when I want someone to call, someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything will be okay. Someone who doesn't want me to figure out my life right now. Someone who wants me to be happy. My sister is fearless when it comes to going out into the world. She thinks it is so easy, but she won't ever go alone. She never has. Her whole life she has only ever gone somewhere with someone she knows. This goes back to the making memories thing. I want someone to make memories with. I don't have anyone anymore or I need to accept that I will make my memories alone, that adventure for me must always be alone, and that tears will continue to fall until I accept that... Not as something I am doomed to, but as the way my life is supposed to be. The funny thing is I wouldn't mind that if I knew what I was to do with my life academically, professionally, physically. If I had a purpose, something else I could concentrate my entire being into, I know I would be okay, but I don't. It used to be school. It has now become short spurts of parties, work, and trying to forget when I was happy. I guess I would rather be just regular all the time, because once you get a hint of happiness you want only that, and then even when things aren't bad they feel devastating. It is all dependent on your point of reference. I need to become really sad, hit bottom, then come back up and I will be content again, not happy but content, and then maybe I should stay there instead of throwing the world out of balance by trying to find happiness.

Memories: what is important about them?

The beauty of a sunset, the feel of a cool rain, the thrill of going somewhere new, the anxiety of getting lost, all mean nothing if there is no way of sharing the experience with someone. Everyday we go through a routine, whether it be work or school, and unless something significant happens we rarely remember it. However, whatever is "significant" enough to remember rarely includes just ourselves. Whether it be joy, fear, or utter embarassment it is always in reference to someone else, not to something. Yes, something may be involved, if it is falling off a treadmill or jumping a fence and scraping your leg but the feeling an event creates is because of the people around us. Falling off a treadmill is scary, but when it happens around someone else it is also embarrassing. Watching the sunset alone can be amazing, but there is no one to share your joy or peace with. Yes you can take a picture, but the experience isn't the same. The feelings you have can not be compared or shared with anyone without always feeling inadequate. Besides, having someone there when you go somewhere new, take a hike, or eat a new food seems to make the event real. It allows for two perspectives to be included, two separate experiences that allows you to know that the truth of what really happened lies somewhere in the middle.

I guess what is really making me sad now is realizing that I lost a dear friend. A friend who enjoyed the things I did and so I am left without a partner to explore this world. A friend who would have taught me the wonders of the earth and shared the experience of something new. I will continue to make new friends, but I thought I had made a friend for life. You all know that there are friends that we make, relationships and partnerships that we form for a period of time because of the point we are at in our lives, but a few times in life you come across a special person you want to have in your life forever, whether it is as a friend or foe. I have only a handful of those. We may not always keep in touch but they are more than just friends, they are family. They may not necessarily know EVERYTHING about me, but the know me! Those are the people that you hold on to forever. Some of them have never hurt me, but the people I love the most always have and that is because I love them so much. They are brutally honest when I need them to be, and even when I don't want them to be. They are with me every step I take in life, guiding me along the path God has laid before me, and though it is unclear a piece of them is forever with me. What they don't always know, is that everywhere they go, so does a piece of my heart.

Now here is the perplexing part... knowing all that I still feel lonely because right now I have no one to share my life with. I have a list of things I want to do and could do by myself, but where is the fun in that. I want someone I can relive the adventure with. Yes along my adventures I could meet someone knew for the day, or on the trip, but those memories will only last if the relationship does too, otherwise I will only have pictures and a vague sense that I did something. I dream of going to Europe and seeing Buckingham palace, the Louve, and ride in a Gondala in Italy, but what good is it if I get to only live the memory once. Alone there is only so much once can remember. Only so much one can observe and soak in... (yeah here is some psych for you) we only perceive a mere fraction of everything that goes on around us because of our limited attention so with another person you have someone to help you create cues and notice that much more. Without someone else, when you get lost it is scary, when you are with a friend you love and trust, it is merely an adventure.

I used to love being alone, doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it running away and forgetting all my troubles. But I realized I only liked being alone away from everyone because I didn't have any friends around who I could forget all my troubles with. You know what I mean when you see someone you love and realize life is good because they are there and you are there regardless of what is going on around you, all that matters is being with each other and making the most of right now. That last softball game, whether you win or lose... that falling star... the long day at work, but the welcoming eyes and smile that wait for you everytime you get home... the way the way you can laugh at someone's laugh and feel better, the way they understand when not a single word is said. The museums, the fights, the heartache when you lose, the jokes, the pranks, the getting in trouble. The irresponsibility and doing "stupid stuff". I guess I just miss you. I talk to you all the time or not at all, but we still talk like it has only been a week. We IM just to bug each other. I ask for advice and you never fail me. My best friends, I love you, even when you don't think I love you and even when you don't love me. Muah!