Saturday mornings: what's missing?

I wake up after a fun night. I wake up after sleeping as long as I want. I wake up and find that something is missing. I have gotten much better breaking many of my habits. I no longer expect to see you in the parking lot, and I am not able to constrain myself from looking. I still check my e-mail everyday hoping to have word from you, but no longer do I feel compelled to e-mail you to get one, no longer do I feel my heart drop. But the hardest part is Saturday morning when I wake up. Saturdays are lazy days, relaxing and enjoying some rest from a long week. But when I roll over and there are only pillows upon pillows, staying in bed seems pointless. I miss the Saturdays we would spend almost all day in bed. I miss that talks and the knowing that someone was there with me. This is the only place I have not gotten used to you being absent. My bed... because in my bed was the only place you were ever really with me, and for that reason I should have known that we were not meant to last. But until I can share my bed with someone else, it will feel empty and yet full because of your memory.

Some fun on a weekday....

Dancing, drinking, and talking; it was fun. I felt flattered being approached by a variety of people who were happy to be seen with me. I enjoyed the dancing and was encouraged that there is still hope for me. It is nice to know that even though I am not wanted by some, others are still interested. But something is still lacking. I still come home alone and sleep alone. There is someone to hold me for awhile but no one I am ready to let into my life. I will get used to this it just takes time and the right attitude. An attitude that I am better than that. :-) An attitude of getting what you can without giving back... An attitude of realizing that until you are ready to settle down you have to get used to being alone.

At a loss for words.....

Speechless. That is how I feel this evening. My mind is numb and blank. There is not an abscence of thougt but the content and processes are occurring at a subconscious level and until I come to some conclusions, I will have to wait it out and remain uninspired.

Messages or signs...

Okay I get the hint. Here I am trying to force things and a sign sent from God or a simple messenger comes along and holds a mirror up to my face and behavior showing me how wrong I am and how I need to move in a different direction than I have been. Despite my desire to know the truth, to ask the hard questions, to want to hold the mirror up for someone else I often neglect to remember that sometimes if they are not reaady you can't force another person into any type of relationship, opening up, or doing anything until they are ready despite how much you want it. Man I need to learn to burn bridges and just run. To learn to look away and just live my life if that means alone and withuth them. It is hard because the only way I know to love someone is with my whole being and once you are let in, no matter how much you don't want me, I won't go away unless you tell me to. I need to learn to give others their space and create my own. I'm working on it. ;) I promise.

When you break up, what do you owe them?

Okay so when two people break up what do they owe each other? Does the person who did the breaking owe the other person anything? Are explanations due? Does the person who hurt the other owe a reason as to why things didn't work out? Does it depend on if you want to be friends later? Does it depend on the way your broke up? Could you go on being friends without an explanation? Do you leave it open so that there is never real closure and door to get back together is always open?

I think that if you are going to break up with someone you need to give them a real reason, even if it is a stupid one that way they are not constantly questioning themselves and their worth. Tell them anything, even if it is I don't love you and don't think I ever will. Yeah the truth hurts but be brave enough to do it all the way. Don't leave someone hanging.

Moving on...

In my life I have loved many many people, and I have had my heart broken. I am told that every girl should have her heart broken at least once and yet I know of one who has not and is completely happy. Then there is me who has only had her heart broken three times and yet it doesn't seem to get easier. The first time I fell in love I was 17. My first love left a lasting impression, he set the bar by which to measure any other guy who dared enter my life. He kept me close for a long time even after we were no longer together. He would keep me just close enough that I couldn't move on because I was constantly hoping things would work out because he would call me just when I began to forget about him. It took me four years to get over him. Then my second love, I tried to be strong and say it was just for fun. For a long while it was, until he lead me on and made me believe that I could be special. Well I was special, I was the one he used to move on from someone else. It only took two years to get over him. (At least the turn around is shorter.) But now I tried again... I didn't want to get hurt so I held back for five months to dare not to feel too much or hope for too much. I was seriously thinking I should break it off at the end of four months, but he convinced me not to. His actions presented to me that he was in for awhile... so I jumped, I let myself trust him and tried to just enjoy myself instead of protect myself, then two weeks after I decided to really give him a chance he decided he didn't want me, and the worst thing is he couldn't tell me why. I guess I have many problems. My biggest one is knowing only one way to love someone, with everything that is in me, and once I decide to do that, to trust someone with my heart they "win" and decide they don't want that. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong that the people I protect myself from for such a long time that I then give in and start to believe that I can trust them. I guess the guys I have found so far only want you when they can't have you completely. I used to think it was me, but now I am realizing that it is them. They only want what they can't have. So now I am left being cynical and bitter. I always say I would never be one of those girls, but I am learning the only way to be is to not care and not give so much of myself... but I still can't help it. What should I do? How do I move on, when all I really want is to have him back?