No internet for two days

So I didn't have interent for a few days so that is why I disappeared. All is good... just hanging out and getting ready to go out. I have some things I want to write about but they take more energy, thought, and time than I have right now. One is going to be a rant about debating TV ads on the senate floor and the other is going to be about the movie I saw last night, Resident Evil: Extinction. I just wanted to check in and continue to "expose" my life. It kind of sucks right now but all is good... it will get better.

Going Crazy!

Bored, paranoid, sad, scared... I think I am losing it quite literally. I am going out of my mind with the everything that is going on in life. I feel like a target. I went to the mall this evening because I didn't want to be home alone... but I felt so exposed. I feel so uncomfortable now. My heart was pounding so hard and my chest was so tight. I felt scared and for no reason. No one was following me. I am sure I looked suspicious because I was so paranoid and closed off. It is just so invasive to have a break-in and know that they have your information, already used it once, tried to use it again... and who knows what they are going to do with it next. It just sucks to know that they will continue to hurt you and you have to continue to be scared even after the "invasion" is over. You just don't know what to do.

A mess!

I am such a mess. I can barely hold a conversation anymore without crying. The moment someone shows me compassion or sympathy, I lose it. Something is seriously wrong with me. I think it is partially the stinging truth my mom told me yesterday. She told me,now that I gave the ring back , he would probably disappear. Well, so far it looks like she was right. Perhaps he was only being nice and being my friend until he got it back.

Don't you hate it when moms are right. She also said, if you want it to work with him you have to really try again, but it can't just be from you. She knows that I am the one putting forth a lot of effort and not letting go. That I am the one who wants to try it again. Yesterday, she made me see, that it isn't me. The only way we can even try is if he wants it, and I was and still am too blind to accept that he doesn't want to try right now and may never want to. Whether it is because he is not ready to try again, or because he doesn't want to try again, now is not the time and it may never be the time... so I need to move on and let my heart let go. Damn it! It is hard to do!