My first full night of sleep in a long time...Amen!!!

Well I went out last night. I didn't go dancing and didn't find a rebound guy, instead I wound up with my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie. It was "nice". It was really good to see him and talk a little bit. It is really hard because he truly is my best friend, and I miss talking to him. I miss being intellectually stimulated and challenged by him. Well after 50 days we were able to see each other face to face and I didn't come home and cry. Instead, I slept. Glorious sleep! It had been 50 days since I actually slept through the night. I didn't wake up at 3, 4, or 5am last night... I went to bed around 1AM, pretty normal and then slept until 8:30am. It felt so good! It sucks though that it took seeing him again to be able to do that. I am going to pretend that it was because it is a sign that I am moving on. That now I have put seeing him behind me and know I will be okay... I am going to pretend that. Because, it is better than reality. The reality that at some level I still need him, but surely in time that won't be the case anymore.

Drama Queen

I am realizing how much of a drama queen I am, especially when I can't have what I want. I guess... I am spoiled. Let's add that to my list of faults. So I have come to the conclusion that I am selfish, jealous, a drama queen, and spoiled. I am a fine catch! It's all good, it doesn't matter anymore. I hope not to inflict myself onto anyone else in the future and once those currently in my life write me off, all will be as it should be. I will be completely alone unable to hurt the people I care about. Yea yea yea... told you I was a drama queen.

Jealous!

I have always told my significant others that I am a bad person, well now I have proof. I am so jealous of everyone around me. Jealousy is a major flaw. It makes me mad that others get to go out and do all these things I dreamed of doing or would love to do, but I know it is my own fault that I am not out doing them. It is my fault I didn't get a degree that was more specialized and in demand so that I could make more money and have the vacation time to run away to Tahiti, go on guided White Water Rafting tours, take weekend trips to Sedona, travel abroad etc. And then, that is not the only reason I am jealous, I am even more jealous that those people I wanted to do all those things with, have already found significant others to do those very same things with! Yeah, I am a very jealous person. I am so jealous of those co-workers and my sister who have these guys who will do anything for them. That call just because or let them even tell them to go out with their friends. My heart is very black... so there is the proof. I am selfish and I am jealous. I think my ex-boyfriends and now former Fiance could always sense that... that is why they were smart enough to run the other way as fast as they could!