The truth that helps me get through the day.

I mentioned a while back that I have been listening to a lot of Christian Music recently. I think it is because it is filled with home and has helped to convince me that things happen for a reason. There are a couple of songs that have really touched me, one because it helps me remember how to get through those really hard moments I just want to cry, the other because it is the future, or what I hope happens so that I know I am truly okay and have moved on...

The first song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Miracle Of The Moment" has really helped me just get through those moments that seem impossible. The Chorus says:

"So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment "

The song talks about letting go of things that have happened because we can't change them. That if we could change them, would we really? I guess it is because most often those things we want to change in life have to do with sorrow and pain, but they are merely a part of life, and if you truly believe you will accept that those things have happened for a reason.

The song says also says:
"There’s only one who knows
What’s really out there waiting ...
...And this is the only moment we can do anything about

It talks about the pain and sorry we go through and that we need to embrace it and let it "soften our hearts" and really just let it all go... because I guess in the end you have to believe that God's plan is the right plan. For full lyrics try this link http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?2615


The second song is by Brandon Heath and called "I'm not who I was"

The song talks about a major change in life and understanding that we can't blame God when things don't go the way we want them to. Maybe I didn't directly blame him, but I didn't understand, I still don't, why this had to happen. I didn't know why, I was very angry.

It talks about the need to forgive, but also to remember. I don't know, I just find it comforting. You can read the words here: http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=51

They also play it on the Christian Station Klove a lot. http://www.klove.com/Music/StationList.aspx Hey, it is great for the drive to work, there are barely any commercials. :-)

He brings out the worst in me, and he used to bring out the best in me.

I went home to my parents over the labor day weekend. I do love going home, except for one thing. I don't know, but it is probably because we are the same that we can't stand each other for more than a few hours. He just drives me insane. He is rude, arrogant, selfish, and in my opinion, an overall jerk. I think the reason I dislike being around him so much, is that I feel all those things in me and they start to ooze out of me. He doesn't appreciate anything you do for him or do at all, and no one can ever do anything right by him. He belittles so many things. There are moments when he says he is proud or makes it a point to say he loves you, but it sometimes feels so fake, or weird because it doesn't quite seem right. It isn't that he doesn't mean it, it is just that he doesn't know how to be sincere. I hate him and love him, but I know that I can't be around him very long and the second he starts "ordering" me around, my blood boils. I become the most impatient person when I am around him, and snap at everyone.

However, it is funny that even though one person can bring out the worst in you, another person can bring out the best in you. When I was with my former fiance, I seemed to have almost limitless patience. I would just wait for him to be ready, I would try to show him how or what to do, and wait for him to get it. Sometimes he didn't get it, but I just accepted it. He always made me want to be very giving, and put him ahead of me. I did neglect some other parts of my life, but i realized that was because it wasn't very important to me. I became more giving with my family, and i think I was even more patient with my father and sister, because of him. But... I guess you shouldn't rely on others to bring out the best in you, you have to try and do that on your own, all the time.

4:17 AM - alone with my thoughts

It has now been over an hour that I have been trying to go back to sleep after my random wake up in the early morning. It seems as if the harder I try to go back to sleep the worse off I am. My head just won't stop.... this time I have a bunch of what-if scenarios running through my head and of nothing nice and happy, all bad stuff like my brother getting arrested for no reason I would sue, getting attacked in a bathroom, getting attacked in general and how I would fight back, getting the short end of the stick somehow and figuring out how I would fight, whether it be arguing or physically fighting. I had gotten rid of these what-ifs for awhile, when I thought I had someone who would be there to advise and protect me, but now they are back. It is like I tell my parents when I drive home alone, I am single and alone so you have to be okay and just let me do things alone! I am going to be alone for a long time if not my entire life, and I refuse to not do the things I want, and go places, just because I am by myself. I know it is more dangerous, but I can only be more cautious and as careful as possible. We can all only pray that I will be okay, because if you believe things happen for a reason, even me being hurt or attacked has happened for a reason and was going to happen regardless of anything they or I do. So I need to live my life alone, because that is what I am.