God has a sense of humor

It is so funny. God really does have a sense of humor and it may seem cruel but it is for the best because it helps you get over all the stupid stuff, the anger, the hurt, you have in your life. The important thing is to laugh. I say this because here I am six months after being with your my ex and I am doing a lot of exactly what I used to do with him, not by choice but because of what I like to do. It is ironic though that due to circumstances way beyond my control people are taking me to places I first went with your my ex, and events are being scheduled there as well. The world really is a small place. For example: Your bro invited me to Havasupai falls and now I have a group of people really pursuing me to go, floating down the salt river, playing tennis at midnight, watching fireworks with a potential mate, and getting drunk for the 4th (last year was the first time), taking me to baseball games, and now the first "dinner" we had alone was at Rustler's Roost, our company dinner is going to be there and one of my co-worker friends is going to introduce me to her brother. I had no idea it would be there. I guess God is showing me that I can go to these places and do these things by myself and with other people. It is showing me that though your time with a person can be intimate, special, and feel like forever, when it isn't anymore... it doesn't mean it is over... it is just funny because God fools you into thinking you have your life planned out, and he can change it in an instant. :-)

A year ago today...

I was driving in a car to start a new life, a life of my own. I was driving alone thinking about my life and trying to figure out where it was going. I didn't know what I wanted in life, but I knew I needed to grow up. I wanted to grow up, to become more independent. A year later, I am not sure if anything has really changed. I have lived life. In the past year I think I have really taken one step forward and three steps back about two times. Right now I am in the stepping forward period, but to get here I had to take three steps back.

Moving to the first step forward. I got a job, a boyfriend, and was generally happy. It was the first time in a long time! My job was really stressful and not what I wanted to do with my life, but it was an amazing learning experience. My boyfriend was perfect (or so I thought). He provided me with the support to go on. He provided the open comforting arms I needed so much after a hard day at work. Our life together was content. I was paying my own bills, saving some money, and doing new things, slowly but surely. I knew I wanted to get a different job and eventually return to school. I thought I had it figured out.

Here I am a year later. I didn't really get anywhere. I started a new job a few months ago and am mending a broken heart. Things are mostly just pending. IF I get hired on permanently where I am, I will be in good shape, at least for one of my ambitions in life. I will be able to go to school for free for anything I want... which is good because I don't know what I want. I have a "to do" list that is six pages long, of random things I want to do in life. The things on this list range from seeing the master's artwork in France to going bowling and rolling three strikes in a row. I want to live. The hardest part of this list is that for so long I have made memories by myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want someone to make memories with, to make mistakes with, and to grow up with... or at least support me while I do these things. It is funny the first half of the year here I fought not to fall in love. The second half of the year I have been trying to fall out of it. Well, it is a new year, at least for me. I am slowly moving toward embracing my life as it is. There is a line in a song that says "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." Well, he is laughing at me because I am so far away from what I planned.

I never wanted to be alone or adventurous. I never wanted to "date", go out and drink, or travel the world. Now it seems that is what I am meant to do. My spirit has become so restless. Maybe it is just the heartache talking that I feel I need to keep moving or risk being hurt, but it doesn't seem I am to stay... well only time will tell and yet I realize how precious little time we have in life. So again, a year later, I step forward...

A big fight

I woke up this morning in a really bad mood. My sister and I got in a huge fight last night. She is so bugged by me "hooking" up with her friends. She tries to make it about me, saying she doesn't want them to use me when in reality it is about her. What really bugs is no matter what I say she won't admit it. She doesn't want to deal with it. She doesn't want to hear it. That is the reality of the situation. I think to her, as long as she doesn't have to hear about it, it isn't real. So in may ways the truth of the matter is she is judging me and thinks I am a slut.

This makes me so mad because all she says is that if she didn't have her man she would be one. There are so many guys she would hook up with. I think there might be some jealously there too. She says they aren't good enough for me, but who cares as long as I am not going to marry them and just having fun. The thing that bugs me the most is I was never this way... Until my family told me to date lots of people, go out and have fun, "use" guys. Deep down I hate it, but now it is almost habit. I really don't know what to do anymore. I do know that my sister and I shouldn't live together anymore and that we shouldn't hang out with any of her friends together anymore. PERIOD!

She says I will never understand and she is right. When she tells me to stay away, it feels like she is saying I am not good enough for them! That is the reality to me. I hate that F*!$ing excuse. He isn't good enough for you! Or he doesn't deserve you anyway! That is bull! If HE isn't good enough for me, why do they let go. I know if I ran into a guy who was "better than me" but didn't think or act like he was, I would hang on with everything I had to make it work because by being around others who are a little more than you, you strive to be at their level and eventually become so... or at least I do. I don't think anyone is better than anyone else, but possesses qualities that we would like to have. I want someone who is little more of some things than I am, so that we can better each other by pushing each other to become more. Oh well, four months and then I will move out and actually live my life. I knew I should have gone out with my friends last night instead of hang out with my sister... I need to learn to listen to myself more. I usually know what is best for me.