"Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else."
George Bernard Shaw
Friday, May 27, 2005
Booked: No need to check my calendar
My trip to back to school was perfect! It was exactly what I needed to restore my self confidence. I am now sure of myself and see my ability to make my future. It was interesting that the moment I got into town my phone started ringing off the hook. I forgot in school I was the one everyone wanted to be around (gee... don't I sound conceited).
I think it was more I new how to gather a group of diverse and interesting people, introduce them to an unfamiliar setting, and let the entire thing mix and see what happens. Well, needless to say I was busy the entire time. I enjoyed seeing everyone and it was terrific how even after a year of not seeing my friends, I was completely comfortable around them. I didn't feel obligated to entertain, or even talk a lot. We were just comfortable. (At least I hope they were.)
Well, during a conversation with my friend Andrew, at like 3am, we talked about how in college I knew my calendar for social events a month in advance. I didn't realize it then, but now I do. Now that I use a day planner, and try to get together or pull together a diverse set of my friends, it is near impossible. Not because their schedules aren't open but because our schedules never coincide. I look at my calendar now and I have been booked every weekend since Cinco de Mayo until July 9th. Isn't that ridiculous, my calendar is still a month out, I guess it was just when I had a boyfriend that I didn't make plans.
So... I forgot that I had a life of my own. I kind of lost it, but now it is found. I still get lonely sometimes, but I am enjoying it once again. I guess we all have to lose ourselves and relearn who we are after breaking up, because when you are falling in love, you lose who you are and become a part of someone else and a relationship that takes on an identity of its own. That is okay. That is what falling in love is, losing, immersing, and finding yourself in someone else. Yeah I fall in love easy, but at least I know how to love. I don't think my love is ever wasted. The only one who really gets hurt in the end is me, but that is okay. If I didn't it means I never really cared.
I think it was more I new how to gather a group of diverse and interesting people, introduce them to an unfamiliar setting, and let the entire thing mix and see what happens. Well, needless to say I was busy the entire time. I enjoyed seeing everyone and it was terrific how even after a year of not seeing my friends, I was completely comfortable around them. I didn't feel obligated to entertain, or even talk a lot. We were just comfortable. (At least I hope they were.)
Well, during a conversation with my friend Andrew, at like 3am, we talked about how in college I knew my calendar for social events a month in advance. I didn't realize it then, but now I do. Now that I use a day planner, and try to get together or pull together a diverse set of my friends, it is near impossible. Not because their schedules aren't open but because our schedules never coincide. I look at my calendar now and I have been booked every weekend since Cinco de Mayo until July 9th. Isn't that ridiculous, my calendar is still a month out, I guess it was just when I had a boyfriend that I didn't make plans.
So... I forgot that I had a life of my own. I kind of lost it, but now it is found. I still get lonely sometimes, but I am enjoying it once again. I guess we all have to lose ourselves and relearn who we are after breaking up, because when you are falling in love, you lose who you are and become a part of someone else and a relationship that takes on an identity of its own. That is okay. That is what falling in love is, losing, immersing, and finding yourself in someone else. Yeah I fall in love easy, but at least I know how to love. I don't think my love is ever wasted. The only one who really gets hurt in the end is me, but that is okay. If I didn't it means I never really cared.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Messages from God; What do they mean?
Messages from God: What do they mean?
I am here ready to run away not knowing what to do. I have a job that is guaranteed to go nowhere (up or down the corporate ladder) for at least six months and in fact may not be there at all after August. I have learned a lot from it but I still have an itch to run. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, and I wanted to just quit altogether. Then out of the blue, a big surprise to everyone including our managers, they decide to move our office to another building. This new building is literally a hop, skip, and jump away from where I live. It’s as if God is saying, “Can I make it anymore clear? STAY WHERE YOU ARE AT, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.”
So I guess I am going to stay at least until August when the funding for our grant runs dry. If the grant I am working on doesn’t get refunded it will be a sign to go. If it gets funding, well at least in the mean time, I am going to be more serious about pursuing other endeavors and leaving in December.
I must form my own circle of friends if I am to remain where I am. That is the primary concern I have. I can’t be so reliant on my sister, and that way when they ask if I have anyone I want to invite, there isn’t a single soul I can call. It is my own damn fault for getting mixed up with a guy so early into my transition to a new place. I was immediately sucked into his circle when I should have been creating my own. I got into a comfort zone and didn’t make an effort to find my own space. It’s okay though because….
My main goal is going to be going back to school I am going to have to begin seriously studying for the GREs again and figuring out where I want to go to school. I don’t have letters of recommendation and I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I do know I can do school. School is the one thing in my life at which I am halfway decent.
Another avenue I am going to pursue is going to be getting my passport, so that if I am chosen for the Peace Corps I can pick up and leave. I also want my passport because I am going to apply for teaching positions outside the US in Korea, Japan, or South America so that if pushed, I can disappear.
I am here ready to run away not knowing what to do. I have a job that is guaranteed to go nowhere (up or down the corporate ladder) for at least six months and in fact may not be there at all after August. I have learned a lot from it but I still have an itch to run. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, and I wanted to just quit altogether. Then out of the blue, a big surprise to everyone including our managers, they decide to move our office to another building. This new building is literally a hop, skip, and jump away from where I live. It’s as if God is saying, “Can I make it anymore clear? STAY WHERE YOU ARE AT, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.”
So I guess I am going to stay at least until August when the funding for our grant runs dry. If the grant I am working on doesn’t get refunded it will be a sign to go. If it gets funding, well at least in the mean time, I am going to be more serious about pursuing other endeavors and leaving in December.
I must form my own circle of friends if I am to remain where I am. That is the primary concern I have. I can’t be so reliant on my sister, and that way when they ask if I have anyone I want to invite, there isn’t a single soul I can call. It is my own damn fault for getting mixed up with a guy so early into my transition to a new place. I was immediately sucked into his circle when I should have been creating my own. I got into a comfort zone and didn’t make an effort to find my own space. It’s okay though because….
My main goal is going to be going back to school I am going to have to begin seriously studying for the GREs again and figuring out where I want to go to school. I don’t have letters of recommendation and I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I do know I can do school. School is the one thing in my life at which I am halfway decent.
Another avenue I am going to pursue is going to be getting my passport, so that if I am chosen for the Peace Corps I can pick up and leave. I also want my passport because I am going to apply for teaching positions outside the US in Korea, Japan, or South America so that if pushed, I can disappear.
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