Today is 365 days since my broken engagement. A whole year, but it isn't long enough to forget the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation I felt and still feel.
I keep wondering how long it will take to just forget about it all and not care. It is amazing how we can be so happy one moment in life and then so broken and desperate the next.
I guess it is meant to be a reminder that happiness is fleeting and only a moment long because there is reality.
The worst part of it all, is that 365 days later I still hope. I still hope that he will change his mind... that one day we will be together, sharing our lives with each other.
I guess reality will set in soon and hope will fade eventually... I just need to let my mind win out over my heart by beating it into submission with numbers.
365 days since the broken engagement.
about 75 days since we were alone together.
about 65 days since he called me.
about 25 days since we saw each other.
but on the other hand...
I have thought about him every morning and every night for the past 365 days
I have called him too many times over the last 65 days.
It has been 36 hours since I last cried about not being together.
I guess the reason it is so hard for me is because I am the one still in love and he isn't. It is harder when you get dumped because you never wanted to let go and you can't figure out the "why". It should be easy right, because he wasn't the "one" or I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me but... I promised to love him forever (even though it was over a stupid bratwurst), I meant it. So I am stuck with forever until I can convince my heart that forever is over.
Now it has been less than an hour since I cried...
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
The long drive home
The long drive home was painful tonight. I don't know why only one thing was on my mind.
The evening was nice, I didn't have a bad time. The food was good, the conversation good, the company was good, the movie was good... so overall it was a good time right. However, the drive home didn't feel that "good."
I couldn't shake it, I can never shake it. I have been trying to "shake" it for months now. I have "faked" being okay for a long time now, shouldn't it be easier by now?
All I could do on the way home was pray to God to make it all go away. Make it just go away. I am tired of waking of everyday and hoping... just let the hope be gone, at least then I will move on. In five days it will be one year... one long year. Can you believe a year ago today I was the happiest I ever was in my life. I had gradated with my Masters, found the person I wanted to spend my life with, and was going home to tell my family... Life was happy...
Well, I should know better by now, that once you reach the top, you only come crashing down. I don't think it is worth it to be happy, because then you are destined to be more unhappy than before.
The evening was nice, I didn't have a bad time. The food was good, the conversation good, the company was good, the movie was good... so overall it was a good time right. However, the drive home didn't feel that "good."
I couldn't shake it, I can never shake it. I have been trying to "shake" it for months now. I have "faked" being okay for a long time now, shouldn't it be easier by now?
All I could do on the way home was pray to God to make it all go away. Make it just go away. I am tired of waking of everyday and hoping... just let the hope be gone, at least then I will move on. In five days it will be one year... one long year. Can you believe a year ago today I was the happiest I ever was in my life. I had gradated with my Masters, found the person I wanted to spend my life with, and was going home to tell my family... Life was happy...
Well, I should know better by now, that once you reach the top, you only come crashing down. I don't think it is worth it to be happy, because then you are destined to be more unhappy than before.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Feeling the Baby in a Belly
So there have been some pregnant women at work, at least 1 every six months... Well, I finally got the guts to "feel" the baby kick. It was so weird! It all (pregnancy) still kind of grosses me out. Sometimes I think I want to be a mom, but I definitely don't want the pregnancy.
As miraculous as some people find having a baby, it is as gross to me. Don't get me wrong, I think it is wondrous and amazing that so many things fall into place and a person comes about from the entire mess. But what a woman goes through, really did it have to be that hard?
Feeling the baby today was weird. I can't say I liked it, but it made it more real.
Eww... it still freaks me out! I still feel where the belly hit my hand, weird. Oh, so weird! I can't imagine how it feels being mom, feeling it on the inside and outside at the same time. I have nothing to compare it to; I can't even think of something that might be similar.
So I am not yet anxious about motherhood/pregnancy. Maybe when I find the right guy who tells me all the right things and helps me to see how special a piece of me and him together would be, then I will not be so weirded out by it. Maybe then I will endure the rest of the mess that comes along with a baby.
For now, I am single, don't want to let my body get that out of whack, can't imagine how ugly my vagina would be afterwards, and really don't want to work that hard (being a parent) the rest of my life right now. I mean, come on, I haven't seen the Louvre yet, nor spent a week on an exotic beach.
All I can say about parenthood is, not now, not yet, and maybe not ever... that is a lot of work. I would definately need to have someone who would be able to make it more wonderous than gross and it seems like those boys are hard to find.
As miraculous as some people find having a baby, it is as gross to me. Don't get me wrong, I think it is wondrous and amazing that so many things fall into place and a person comes about from the entire mess. But what a woman goes through, really did it have to be that hard?
Feeling the baby today was weird. I can't say I liked it, but it made it more real.
Eww... it still freaks me out! I still feel where the belly hit my hand, weird. Oh, so weird! I can't imagine how it feels being mom, feeling it on the inside and outside at the same time. I have nothing to compare it to; I can't even think of something that might be similar.
So I am not yet anxious about motherhood/pregnancy. Maybe when I find the right guy who tells me all the right things and helps me to see how special a piece of me and him together would be, then I will not be so weirded out by it. Maybe then I will endure the rest of the mess that comes along with a baby.
For now, I am single, don't want to let my body get that out of whack, can't imagine how ugly my vagina would be afterwards, and really don't want to work that hard (being a parent) the rest of my life right now. I mean, come on, I haven't seen the Louvre yet, nor spent a week on an exotic beach.
All I can say about parenthood is, not now, not yet, and maybe not ever... that is a lot of work. I would definately need to have someone who would be able to make it more wonderous than gross and it seems like those boys are hard to find.
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