Moving on...

I hate moving on. I hate it because you have to leave something behind and in doing so you leave a piece of you, a piece of your innocence behind as well. You usually leave those things you fight so desparately to keep behind... There are going to be a lot of changes in my life. I avoided them for some time, holding on and hoping. However, I think I secretly knew that it was all a pipe dream.

I think more than anything, moving on is just emotionally taxing. It is something you have to do, even though you don't want to and that is what makes it so tiring.

I think that is why I hate dating. Why most people hate working. Why death is so hard, and rejection the worst. The less control you have... the less choice you have... the harder it is to do, even when necessary. But you step forward. You just have to do it... you just have to do it. And with time, you just do it without thinking about it... you just keep moving and eventually forget where you were until you take the time to think about it. Yeah, you just have to do it. It is time for me to just do it. I already took one step. Tomorrow will be another. And right now, I can't think past that.

Help with getting a passport!

Hey everyone I am so excited! I have a passport! I just got it in the mail! I am going to see the world now! I can't wait to go to Cancun, Belize, Italy, France, Australia, Africa, and on and on. I have to save the money to go though. That is the hardest part. :-) The ironic thing is, my mom has been trying for over a year now to get her passport and they have asked for additional documentation four times. Unfortunately she was born in a rural part of New Mexico, back in the day when babies were born at home with a midwife on a ranch, especially if you poor and unmarried. Therefore, her birth certificate was not filed until after she was born. The passport office doesn't like this and they are asking for "medical records" proving her birth. It doesn't make sense, because there aren't any. She has sent everything else under the sun and they are refusing to accept it as proof of her citizenship. I don't know how or why when she is nearly 50 years old, lived in this country the entire time, been married to my father for 25 years, has a military ID, had high-level security clearance at a government lab, three kids, 6 brothers and sisters who have passports and were born here. It is so unfortunate that a working class American can't get a passport now that she has time and may be able to afford to travel abroad after putting two kids through college, and now putting another one through college. It is our fault our family was first located in this family as the conquistadors that came from Spain. It is our fault they took residence in Northern New Mexico with an original land grant from Spain. It is our fault that our family was Mexican 500 years ago because of where the boarders existed. It is our fault the boarder moved and our family became American. It is our fault that with time that land grant died out and we became a family of ranchers. It is our fault that we come from a poor ranching family that would go north to Colorado to find work and make money. It is our fault, we had mid-wives and curanderas. It is our fault we couldn't afford doctors. It is our fault we couldn't pay for passports before approaching retirement. It is our fault that as working class Americans, you can't afford the luxury of traveling abroad until retirement. It is our fault we spend money on education, food, and housing instead of on documents that aren't needed until you want to take a trip. I blame it on the increased security measures taken to "protect" our country. The problem is, my mom is already here. She has been here the last almost 50 years. I don't see how every other entity can accept her citizenship, recognize her citizenship. Who are we really protecting. My mom is stuck in this country as an American. She is being denied the privileges of other American citizens. It makes me wonder if it wouldn't be easier for her to become a "naturalized" citizen since obviously the proof, the history of the region, and whatever documents she has provided are determined to not be enough. What is going to be enough, I guess maybe she should just get a fake birth certificate like the countless illegal immigrants in this country. It is crazy to think of breaking the law to be awarded the rights you are supposedly granted as an American Citizen. It is so frustrating. I wish I knew how to help her! All my mom has dreamed of is going to Rome, to see the Basilica where the pope lives. She promised her mom she would make the pilgrimage since she never got to (she passed away last year). If anyone has any ideas, please point me in the right direction. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone can help because of the office of "homeland security". I hope i don't' get my mom in trouble because of this... they might try to deport her, but to where? She isn't from anywhere else? She was born here in the Great USofA. :-)

In love or Insane?

I don't know what to do anymore. Last week I felt so broken and frustated and like I had had enough. That I didn't even care anymore if he was there or not and I was going to move on for me! It was the first time I truly couldn't cry about it anymore, and that made me feel weird because maybe it all didn't matter anymore and I didn't love him anymore. I wasn't even mad, I was just done. I just felt like I didn't have anymore of me to give. I was tired of fighting for something that was becoming more and more clear that it would never be...