Only 50 weeks to go

Well today is the two week mark of it being over. How well did I do these two weeks... let's just say it was below satisfactory. I failed to keep my resolve and not contact him or respond to his contact on 5 of the 14 days. That is too high. I figure I have 50 weeks to go before it will be a year... that seems like so long, like too long... but I have no choice. According to the Online Broken Heart Calculator, it is going to take my heart 1.5 years to recover so even another 50 weeks won't be enough... but it is all I can think about right now. I don't know where I will be in 50 weeks... I can't even picture it. But at least it is something... In so many ways, right now, in 50 weeks I want to be anywhere but here. I am not even sure I could handle my job for another 50 weeks, or school, or living where I do. Hopefully it will pass, but there is a nagging at the pit of my stomach that it probably won't go away... as I said about three months ago, maybe it is just time to go home. So in reality I have 76 weeks to reach 1.5 years... but I should probably add on two more since I didn't make any progress in these last two. So the new number is 76 weeks.

August 12, 2007 Day 3 Drive

What drives your life? Guilt, Anger/resentment, fear, materialism, need for approval.

"When life has meaning you can bear almost anything" and according to this book only purpose can give your life meaning.

Duh! But again if God is the one who made us and only allows us to know what is not our purpose through pain and suffereing, how will our lives ever have meaning?

Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

If anything I have been driven by need for approval but at the same time I never sought approval from peers. I was always the outsider for that reason. I want to make my parents proud, but I know I already do that. Before now I was not driven by guilt, anger/resentment, fear, or materialism, but now I fear I will because of the pain and suffereing endured. Because of the fear of being hurt because of the hopelessness I feel.

I dont' know what I want to be! I don't know what I am allowed to want, to be... I actually think I am allowed to have nothing only want it.

August 11, 2007 Day 2 You are not an accident

A God of Love? If he is a God of love and HE know sour purpose why not just tell us so we may choose in advance to fulfill it or not, so we may chose our pleaesure or pain. Instead we are to wander constantly wondering if it is right and only get hurt along the way because it is supposed to be.

"God is Love" not he "has love" then love is pain, becaue only hurt comes from self-sacrifice to make others happy.

The question to consider today is:
What areas of my self am I struggling to accept?

I am not struggling to accept myself... I am struggling to accept what has happned and understand why and how it is supposed to help me grow instead of becoming closed and defensive. How else could having someone propose and promise to never walk away treat you...