I give up! I give up on trying to figure out this life and what I am supposed to do with it. I like to think of myself as a rather optimistic person, but I can't hope anymore. It seems that each time in my life that I hope for something for myself things don't turn out the way I hoped they would.
It seems that only when I am self-sacrificing and forget what I want and do what I should or need to do that things go according to some plan. I am getting tired of it though. I love doing things for others, it makes me happy. I want to make the lies of others better.
Now, I definitely know my life is not nearly as hard or horrible as probably a majority of the population. I am very blessed in my life. I have a wonderful family who is always there for each other no matter what. I have my health (even though my blood pressure has risen some), I have my education, a job, a roof over my head, food to eat, and lots of other things.
I guess I give up, because the only way things work out is when I don't try. It seems that when I try at anything, it goes way wrong. I tried to be a pre-med, I was miserable. I tried to work in behavioral health, nearly cost me my life. I tried to make things work in my relationships, and those have never turned out well. I guess it is time to return to my truly slacker ways. I only have a couple of months until I am done with my degree. I only have a couple of months to decide the next stage of my life.
Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe it is time to go home. I think it might be. My spirit is tired of trying. Oh well, I will figure it out, once I am done with my degree. That has become a favorite saying of mine. It is the only excuse I have right now, not to think about things. Because the moment I start to think about things I will feel them, and I don't want to feel anything right now either. So... I give up. I will blame my degree and stay busy until I am done with my degree. Then I will have to call in some of my network connections to see if I can get home. I'm not needed here anymore.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I have a passport but they refuse to give my mom one...
Hey everyone I am so excited! I have a passport! I just got it in the mail! I am going to see the world now! I can't wait to go to Cancun, Belize, Italy, France, Australia, Africa, and on and on. I have to save the money to go though. That is the hardest part. :-)
The ironic thing is, my mom has been trying for over a year now to get her passport and they have asked for additional documentation four times. Unfortunately she was born in a rural part of New Mexico, back in the day when babies were born at home with a midwife on a ranch, especially if you poor and unmarried. Therefore, her birth certificate was not filed until after she was born. The passport office doesn't like this and they are asking for "medical records" proving her birth. It doesn't make sense, because there aren't any. She has sent everything else under the sun and they are refusing to accept it as proof of her citizenship. I don't know how or why when she is nearly 50 years old, lived in this country the entire time, been married to my father for 25 years, has a military ID, had high-level security clearance at a government lab, three kids, 6 brothers and sisters who have passports and were born here. It is so unfortunate that a working class American can't get a passport now that she has time and may be able to afford to travel abroad after putting two kids through college, and now putting another one through college.
It is our fault our family was first located in this family as the conquistadors that came from Spain. It is our fault they took residence in Northern New Mexico with an original land grant from Spain. It is our fault that our family was Mexican 500 years ago because of where the boarders existed. It is our fault the boarder moved and our family became American. It is our fault that with time that land grant died out and we became a family of ranchers. It is our fault that we come from a poor ranching family that would go north to Colorado to find work and make money. It is our fault, we had mid-wives and curanderas. It is our fault we couldn't afford doctors. It is our fault we couldn't pay for passports before approaching retirement. It is our fault that as working class Americans, you can't afford the luxury of traveling abroad until retirement. It is our fault we spend money on education, food, and housing instead of on documents that aren't needed until you want to take a trip.
I blame it on the increased security measures taken to "protect" our country. The problem is, my mom is already here. She has been here the last almost 50 years. I don't see how every other entity can accept her citizenship, recognize her citizenship. Who are we really protecting. My mom is stuck in this country as an American. She is being denied the privileges of other American citizens. It makes me wonder if it wouldn't be easier for her to become a "naturalized" citizen since obviously the proof, the history of the region, and whatever documents she has provided are determined to not be enough. What is going to be enough, I guess maybe she should just get a fake birth certificate like the countless illegal immigrants in this country. It is crazy to think of breaking the law to be awarded the rights you are supposedly granted as an American Citizen. It is so frustrating. I wish I knew how to help her! All my mom has dreamed of is going to Rome, to see the Basilica where the pope lives. She promised her mom she would make the pilgrimage since she never got to (she passed away last year).
If anyone has any ideas, please point me in the right direction. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone can help because of the office of "homeland security". I hope i don't' get my mom in trouble because of this... they might try to deport her, but to where? She isn't from anywhere else? She was born here in the Great USofA. :-)
The ironic thing is, my mom has been trying for over a year now to get her passport and they have asked for additional documentation four times. Unfortunately she was born in a rural part of New Mexico, back in the day when babies were born at home with a midwife on a ranch, especially if you poor and unmarried. Therefore, her birth certificate was not filed until after she was born. The passport office doesn't like this and they are asking for "medical records" proving her birth. It doesn't make sense, because there aren't any. She has sent everything else under the sun and they are refusing to accept it as proof of her citizenship. I don't know how or why when she is nearly 50 years old, lived in this country the entire time, been married to my father for 25 years, has a military ID, had high-level security clearance at a government lab, three kids, 6 brothers and sisters who have passports and were born here. It is so unfortunate that a working class American can't get a passport now that she has time and may be able to afford to travel abroad after putting two kids through college, and now putting another one through college.
It is our fault our family was first located in this family as the conquistadors that came from Spain. It is our fault they took residence in Northern New Mexico with an original land grant from Spain. It is our fault that our family was Mexican 500 years ago because of where the boarders existed. It is our fault the boarder moved and our family became American. It is our fault that with time that land grant died out and we became a family of ranchers. It is our fault that we come from a poor ranching family that would go north to Colorado to find work and make money. It is our fault, we had mid-wives and curanderas. It is our fault we couldn't afford doctors. It is our fault we couldn't pay for passports before approaching retirement. It is our fault that as working class Americans, you can't afford the luxury of traveling abroad until retirement. It is our fault we spend money on education, food, and housing instead of on documents that aren't needed until you want to take a trip.
I blame it on the increased security measures taken to "protect" our country. The problem is, my mom is already here. She has been here the last almost 50 years. I don't see how every other entity can accept her citizenship, recognize her citizenship. Who are we really protecting. My mom is stuck in this country as an American. She is being denied the privileges of other American citizens. It makes me wonder if it wouldn't be easier for her to become a "naturalized" citizen since obviously the proof, the history of the region, and whatever documents she has provided are determined to not be enough. What is going to be enough, I guess maybe she should just get a fake birth certificate like the countless illegal immigrants in this country. It is crazy to think of breaking the law to be awarded the rights you are supposedly granted as an American Citizen. It is so frustrating. I wish I knew how to help her! All my mom has dreamed of is going to Rome, to see the Basilica where the pope lives. She promised her mom she would make the pilgrimage since she never got to (she passed away last year).
If anyone has any ideas, please point me in the right direction. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone can help because of the office of "homeland security". I hope i don't' get my mom in trouble because of this... they might try to deport her, but to where? She isn't from anywhere else? She was born here in the Great USofA. :-)
Monday, May 07, 2007
Not marriage material?
I am starting to wonder if I am marriage material. Maybe I am not, and that is the real issue at play here. It is funny, and I have written about this before that I think I am the part of some cruel joke. My sister and I always dreamed and prayed for a certain kind of life... well somewhere along the lines I think the powers that be got the lines of communication crossed. I who dreamed of the house, husband, kids, and dog have never gotten very close to attaining those things. Instead I am constantly pushed from every direction to continue with school, focus on a career, network (though I hate it), and date, date, date. The life she dreamed of, though my missing some of the glamour and ambition I think she hoped for, I have. So it might just be a cruel joke, miscommunication, or maybe I am not marriage material... I have something missing. I will only ever be the nice girl... the friend. I guess I should accept it and try to become ambitious and a millionaire or something. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)