Not marriage material?

I am starting to wonder if I am marriage material. Maybe I am not, and that is the real issue at play here. It is funny, and I have written about this before that I think I am the part of some cruel joke. My sister and I always dreamed and prayed for a certain kind of life... well somewhere along the lines I think the powers that be got the lines of communication crossed. I who dreamed of the house, husband, kids, and dog have never gotten very close to attaining those things. Instead I am constantly pushed from every direction to continue with school, focus on a career, network (though I hate it), and date, date, date. The life she dreamed of, though my missing some of the glamour and ambition I think she hoped for, I have. So it might just be a cruel joke, miscommunication, or maybe I am not marriage material... I have something missing. I will only ever be the nice girl... the friend. I guess I should accept it and try to become ambitious and a millionaire or something. :-)

My one month anniversary...

Well it has been one month. Everything is new and exciting again. I am really busy and going to so many new and fun places. I have a balance of routine and spontaneity in my schedule. I don't have a free weekend from now until after June 16th and there is still so much I want to do before the summer is over like go to Rocky Point, Sedona, and run my marathon.

There is so much going on and I am staying really busy and am tired most of the time but... for no reason at all I wake up at 5:45 every morning before my alarm. For no reason, I haven't been on a "date" in three weeks. For no reason, I have been abstinent for probably 40 days (sounds like a movie I saw once). For no reason I have been driving hours to visit friends and working late to finish projects that aren't due for months... but I lie.

There is a reason... I don't want to do my homework! :-) and that is probably only half the truth.

I hate eating alone!

The worst thing about coming home to an empty house after a long day has to be eating alone. It is probably because of the way I was raised. We talked about everything over dinner and it was a great way to de-stress and think about the happier things in the world. Having dinner with my family, the people I loved was always reassuring and comforting. Regardless of what happened that day, they were there with open arms to listen, criticize, support, and just talk. Sometimes we would talk about serious things, sometimes we would just laugh, but it was always real. I recently watched the movie, "Shall we dance." There was a great line about how our significant other is a witness to our life... That statement rings more true today than it ever did. As I sit here at the table alone, there is no one to share my day with. No one sits across from me to bounce ideas off of, or make me laugh, make me want to wake up the next day to just see what happens. Yes the world is a wondrous place, but there isn't anyone there to make our own world with... someone to bear witness to all those moments no one else gets to see.

Gawsh, I am such a girl. But, I don't want it any other way. I only hope I find it sooner rather than later because even though I am living my life (and I am living) I am the only one who will be a part of it everyday. I guess I better take more vitamins for my memory since I am going to be the only one doing the remembering. :-)