What I want

A condo, a black Lab, SUV, and a kayak... If I had these things I think somehow I would be able to reconcile myself to being content to not having "someone" in my life. In fact there are moments where that is all I want right now even though I have been with someone for over a year. I guess it is because I have slowly realized that I am not sure I love him. I care about him a great deal and want him to be happy and successful. I want to take care of him and I really like being with him all the time. We have really good conversations abut many many things... but then I hesitate because we really don't have very much in common. Our politics are completely opposite, desire to have kids, value of education, outlook on life, interests, and essentially everything. I start to wonder if the only reason I am with him is because it is convenient. Then I think about it, and it is only convenient for him. I put in a lot of effort to be with him and I am trying to figure out why. The more I think about it, I think it is because I am "in love" with the idea of being with someone. However, I look at the relationships around me and realize I don't have one... I don't have someone who would do "anything" to be with me. The more I think about it, the more I think I deserve that. I deserve someone who appreciates me and what I do, values what I say and think, is willing to listen to what I have to say regardless of how trivial it is if only to laugh at how excited I get. I deserve someone who wants to see me everyday; no matter what. I deserve someone who wants to be in bed next to me every night. I deserve someone who misses me after one day of not being with me... because that is how I feel, that is how I intend to love someone else. I would give up anything and everything to be with that person... put their needs and wants before mine, but I deserve someone willing to do the same. I am not sure I have that. The more I think about it, I know I don't have that. I guess I have been blind to realize that he has been giving subtle hints for me to decide this on my own... because he doesn't want to hurt me. I've done everything I can to show I want to be with him all the time... but he hasn't done the same.

Gone...

I know I have been gone for awhile. A lot has been happening in life. Working on a Master's degree is no easy task. I don't know how my favorite Blogger Jezzy did it while working on her PhD. I wish I could make a living by talking about myself then it would be so easy to write everyday, but I bet that is the hope and dream of everyone. I am by no means a great writer and by no measure a good writer. I know that my "rants" are littered with spelling and grammar errors. I know there are hundreds of people who blog and are more eloquent than I, but I guess the exibitionist in me kind of likes the idea that some out there is reading about my life and about me. Forming a picture of this person, who exists in this world, maybe miles away. A person who tries to be honest, has self-esteem issues, and bottom-line is real person. I am not the smartest person in the world, but I think I do a good job of listening to multiple sides of a story. I am not a super-model but I have my moments. I had a dream this morning that I'll talk about in my next post... Because I can't make up my mind.

September 2006: 911 five years later

Yes, one more thing about 9/11. If you are an American and reading this post you know exactly what I am talking about. On the evening of 9/11 I went to a memorial because I felt I was obligated to. I also wanted to see a physical representation of how many people were lost during the four terrorist attacks in America. I thought I would feel extremely solemn and moved when I arrived at the memorial. I thought it would be a little erie with the moon fading in and out of the clouds and the construction crane a high shadow falling across the lawn. But instead, I was dull. I don't know if I should feel guilty but I changed the channel all day long whether it was on the radio, TV, or even in surfing the net. I just didn't want to hear about it. I guess I avoided it. I know how sad it is, and though it has been five years I know it is a wound that has in no way healed for some. I can't imagine what New Yorkers felt that day and like the generation before us who know exactly where they were when JFK was shot, I can recall vividly the morning and moment the "towers fell". It is funny in that I wasn't quite surprised we were finally attacked and we only have a taste of what others live with everyday. I don't want to say we got what we deserved, I don't feel that way at all! I wish it had never happened and it saddens me that man-kind is capable of hurting so many others. As a psychology major and with the teachings of social psychology I know that everyone and anyone is capable of the same thing if they believe they are doing the right thing, if they believe they are protecting something... I don't know. I don't have the answers! I don't think anyone does! When I think about it, all I want to do is run home to my mom and dad and live my life out among a small group of people in the mountains secluded from the rest of the world. I wish I knew... I wish I knew how to make it better... to make a difference... does anyone know?