Actions and Words

Actions and words

I have been told too many times that I fall in love too easily. I have been told that maybe it is just that I have a lot of love to give. Sometimes this makes things hard because I can't figure out when it is a "temporary" love and the forever kind of love. I have been so careful my whole life to guard the phrase "I love you". I never told a single guy I dated, regardless of how things were going that I loved him. Even when dealing with friends it takes me a long time to "let them in". I have so many defenses up that I know I make it hard for someone to love me and regardless of whether I love them or not I don't tell them. However, there is something that communicates how we feel regardless of what we say... our actions.

Sometimes no matter what we think and how hard we try to hide how we feel, what we do for others is what truly demonstrates what is important to us. I have fallen in love three times in my life. Three different boys changed my world forever. Granted the relationships were short, and we were never meant to be forever. At least I knew that with two of them. The third and most recent is the one I lamented over for the past few months (for those of you who have read my blog, you know this and how boring a topic it had been) and now I am not so sure if it is because I was in love with him or infatuated by him. I think I was in love with an idea and that when I lost him I lost so many of the social aspects of the new life I was trying to create for myself in a new place.

Well a little more than a year later I met someone new, and things have moved oh so fast. It is strange how fast they moved but I put up little fight to slow them down and so did he. It is really comfortable with him. I am not afraid to ask for what I want. And more than anything I am not afraid to say what I think and how I feel. I mean actually I was terrified, but I realized what you say doesn't change anything if it is the way you were feeling all along. It doesn't change the way you act or what you do or even what you expect from the relationship regarding how long you are together or the direction you hope the relationship takes. It is just there. Emotions are just there regardless of what you want, or what you think may happen. It is completely possible to feel something and not know why or what you want to happen, but you know that you do feel that way and that is enough.

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A girl just trying to play the game

So here I am nearly 10 months from a bad breakup. It was a hurtful and confusing relationship. I have come to this conclusion but only after some pointed observations of a new friend. I am not over it but I am having fun and so many times (as those of you who have followed my blog know) I have vowed repeatedly to be "over him". And I still find it amusing that no matter how good we think we are at fooling ourselves and others, someone will always see right through you. Someone will always see through the defenses, the walls put up around your heart, the bullshit in your comments meant only to protect yourself (but I am serious about not getting married and using the analogy of being pregnant to having tapeworm).

I am certain that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I used to think that you could keep the best part of those people in your life forever. I was wrong. Sometimes you need people to bring out the worst in you and for you to bring out the worst in them. Sometimes you need to learn how low you can sink.

So here I am, not at a low point per se, but being a different person that who I wanted to be. It is interesting how I know it isn't what I want long-term, but it is what I need and want right now. Some people may call me a player, others would call me a slut, and I simply see it as being young, dating, and playing the field. What I am realizing most is there are really good guys out there. I still hate boys right now but they have redeeming qualities at some times. The hard part is when you meet more than one at a time. How do you balance that. I am learning to be less of an all or nothing person but when it comes to love I can't help it. Don't get me wrong, I AM NOT IN LOVE with anyone right now. I do love people because they have helped me through some tough times, and filled a need I had but well I don't have the same feeling as before... I am not willing to do anything for them like forsake my family or live in a foreign country, but I would sacrifice a lot for them.

Yeah yeah, I am rambling. I always do. Life is just funny, no matter what you do, you can only take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Live each day. I think that if we focus on how many choices we have a day we begin to stop being the victim (as I have been acting for so long) and realize we are every bit as responsible for what goes on in our life. I believe in fate, and that things that are meant to happen and will happen when the time is right or we make the choice to accept them. Alright, enough... I will try to think of something more intellectual to say next time. :-)