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A girl just trying to play the game

So here I am nearly 10 months from a bad breakup. It was a hurtful and confusing relationship. I have come to this conclusion but only after some pointed observations of a new friend. I am not over it but I am having fun and so many times (as those of you who have followed my blog know) I have vowed repeatedly to be "over him". And I still find it amusing that no matter how good we think we are at fooling ourselves and others, someone will always see right through you. Someone will always see through the defenses, the walls put up around your heart, the bullshit in your comments meant only to protect yourself (but I am serious about not getting married and using the analogy of being pregnant to having tapeworm).

I am certain that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I used to think that you could keep the best part of those people in your life forever. I was wrong. Sometimes you need people to bring out the worst in you and for you to bring out the worst in them. Sometimes you need to learn how low you can sink.

So here I am, not at a low point per se, but being a different person that who I wanted to be. It is interesting how I know it isn't what I want long-term, but it is what I need and want right now. Some people may call me a player, others would call me a slut, and I simply see it as being young, dating, and playing the field. What I am realizing most is there are really good guys out there. I still hate boys right now but they have redeeming qualities at some times. The hard part is when you meet more than one at a time. How do you balance that. I am learning to be less of an all or nothing person but when it comes to love I can't help it. Don't get me wrong, I AM NOT IN LOVE with anyone right now. I do love people because they have helped me through some tough times, and filled a need I had but well I don't have the same feeling as before... I am not willing to do anything for them like forsake my family or live in a foreign country, but I would sacrifice a lot for them.

Yeah yeah, I am rambling. I always do. Life is just funny, no matter what you do, you can only take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Live each day. I think that if we focus on how many choices we have a day we begin to stop being the victim (as I have been acting for so long) and realize we are every bit as responsible for what goes on in our life. I believe in fate, and that things that are meant to happen and will happen when the time is right or we make the choice to accept them. Alright, enough... I will try to think of something more intellectual to say next time. :-)

Just keep driving....

Do you ever wish you could just keep driving? I do, because while driving I get some of my best thinking done. However, because of our high gas prices... The thinking and driving time is kept at a minimum, maybe that is why I have not been an inspired blogger recently... But, tonight, well it was interesting. When I usually drive around town I get nothing but red lights. Tonight as I was driving through the ghettos, hoods, ritzy areas, and everywhere else I got green lights and I thought "how nice would it be if we had traffic lights in life. Green means you are going in the right direction, if you just go with the flow you get mostly greens and everything falls into place. Then I got a red light, and another, and another... and the whole driving experience got frustrating. The more frustrated I got, it seemed the more red stop lights I got, and so is life. It seems to me that when we try to control things, think about them too much, we run into stop lights. Whether these stoplights are from ourselves out of fear or anger, or they are stoplights to warn us we are going the wrong way... I don't know.

So tonight was interesting. Last night on a Thursday I had four people ask me out or at least four opportunities arose. Well, I thought it was a very successful night. Well, tonight is Friday and I am all alone here at home. It is unusual because I love to stay home.... but it feels so pointless and empty to do so...

It seems tonight, when I tried to make my own opportunity to go out, I ran into nothing but stop lights. It is a good thing, because if I had gone out tonight I would have made some dumb decisions because I am sad and hurt.

So instead I drove around... I thought a lot, mostly about nothing, but occasionally having insight into my life (or so I thought, I am sure that will all change tomorrow or in an hour when I change my mind). I guess that is why I like driving, you are always making progress as long as you keep going. You may not know exactly where you are going, but at least you are moving in some direction and you have control over it to a large extent. Life isn't so simple. Well, I guess I need to find the next green light because I am running into a lot of red... I must have gotten way off track...