So here I am nearly 10 months from a bad breakup. It was a hurtful and confusing relationship. I have come to this conclusion but only after some pointed observations of a new friend. I am not over it but I am having fun and so many times (as those of you who have followed my blog know) I have vowed repeatedly to be "over him". And I still find it amusing that no matter how good we think we are at fooling ourselves and others, someone will always see right through you. Someone will always see through the defenses, the walls put up around your heart, the bullshit in your comments meant only to protect yourself (but I am serious about not getting married and using the analogy of being pregnant to having tapeworm).
I am certain that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I used to think that you could keep the best part of those people in your life forever. I was wrong. Sometimes you need people to bring out the worst in you and for you to bring out the worst in them. Sometimes you need to learn how low you can sink.
So here I am, not at a low point per se, but being a different person that who I wanted to be. It is interesting how I know it isn't what I want long-term, but it is what I need and want right now. Some people may call me a player, others would call me a slut, and I simply see it as being young, dating, and playing the field. What I am realizing most is there are really good guys out there. I still hate boys right now but they have redeeming qualities at some times. The hard part is when you meet more than one at a time. How do you balance that. I am learning to be less of an all or nothing person but when it comes to love I can't help it. Don't get me wrong, I AM NOT IN LOVE with anyone right now. I do love people because they have helped me through some tough times, and filled a need I had but well I don't have the same feeling as before... I am not willing to do anything for them like forsake my family or live in a foreign country, but I would sacrifice a lot for them.
Yeah yeah, I am rambling. I always do. Life is just funny, no matter what you do, you can only take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Live each day. I think that if we focus on how many choices we have a day we begin to stop being the victim (as I have been acting for so long) and realize we are every bit as responsible for what goes on in our life. I believe in fate, and that things that are meant to happen and will happen when the time is right or we make the choice to accept them. Alright, enough... I will try to think of something more intellectual to say next time. :-)
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Friday, October 07, 2005
Just keep driving....
Do you ever wish you could just keep driving? I do, because while driving I get some of my best thinking done. However, because of our high gas prices... The thinking and driving time is kept at a minimum, maybe that is why I have not been an inspired blogger recently... But, tonight, well it was interesting. When I usually drive around town I get nothing but red lights. Tonight as I was driving through the ghettos, hoods, ritzy areas, and everywhere else I got green lights and I thought "how nice would it be if we had traffic lights in life. Green means you are going in the right direction, if you just go with the flow you get mostly greens and everything falls into place. Then I got a red light, and another, and another... and the whole driving experience got frustrating. The more frustrated I got, it seemed the more red stop lights I got, and so is life. It seems to me that when we try to control things, think about them too much, we run into stop lights. Whether these stoplights are from ourselves out of fear or anger, or they are stoplights to warn us we are going the wrong way... I don't know.
So tonight was interesting. Last night on a Thursday I had four people ask me out or at least four opportunities arose. Well, I thought it was a very successful night. Well, tonight is Friday and I am all alone here at home. It is unusual because I love to stay home.... but it feels so pointless and empty to do so...
It seems tonight, when I tried to make my own opportunity to go out, I ran into nothing but stop lights. It is a good thing, because if I had gone out tonight I would have made some dumb decisions because I am sad and hurt.
So instead I drove around... I thought a lot, mostly about nothing, but occasionally having insight into my life (or so I thought, I am sure that will all change tomorrow or in an hour when I change my mind). I guess that is why I like driving, you are always making progress as long as you keep going. You may not know exactly where you are going, but at least you are moving in some direction and you have control over it to a large extent. Life isn't so simple. Well, I guess I need to find the next green light because I am running into a lot of red... I must have gotten way off track...
So tonight was interesting. Last night on a Thursday I had four people ask me out or at least four opportunities arose. Well, I thought it was a very successful night. Well, tonight is Friday and I am all alone here at home. It is unusual because I love to stay home.... but it feels so pointless and empty to do so...
It seems tonight, when I tried to make my own opportunity to go out, I ran into nothing but stop lights. It is a good thing, because if I had gone out tonight I would have made some dumb decisions because I am sad and hurt.
So instead I drove around... I thought a lot, mostly about nothing, but occasionally having insight into my life (or so I thought, I am sure that will all change tomorrow or in an hour when I change my mind). I guess that is why I like driving, you are always making progress as long as you keep going. You may not know exactly where you are going, but at least you are moving in some direction and you have control over it to a large extent. Life isn't so simple. Well, I guess I need to find the next green light because I am running into a lot of red... I must have gotten way off track...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
It's been a long time...some important stuff has happened
I know it has been a long time since I have written to my Blog and I was going to sign on and lament again about my broken heart and then renew that it is no longer broken.... but instead so much has happened in the time since I last wrote that there are other things to talk about. The most important being a devastating hurricane hit the Gulf of Mexico and it is all the news has seemed to cover the last couple of weeks. The pictures shown and the language used should humble Americans because we now have a part of our nation where people were and are living in conditions similar to those of a "third world country" (the media's words not mine). The "refugees" of Louisiana and Mississippi are without food, water, shelter, and protection.
I must admit that the language made me angry at first because so often the word "refugee" comes with a certain connotation loaded with race. The situation itself was racially framed by members of the media, and in thinking about the world, I got to thinking how many times "white people" were called refugees. How often are "refugees" of "white" countries referred to as "refugees"? I would think they they are more often called evacuees. It is a very difficult situation and it brings to the surface the many issues this country faces and I myself with racial discrimination. Racial discrimination, identification that may be unconscious.
The more I think about it, I think we are actually using race to hide a different kind of discrimination, a more important kind of discrimination.... I think by focusing on the race issue we are taking light off the real issue of socio-economic discrimination. So many people were affected by these tragic events and those people who were essentially "left behind" were too poor to go on their own. Single moms, the elderly, the sick, the poor and the broken.
I hope that these events open many American's eyes to how our government actually operates. The "government's" reaction to disaster, despair, and call to action within our own boarders is similar to our reactions around the world. Slow.... and only when it is too late and we can look like heroes. Then we also leave before things are done... but only when the countries are poor and the US has nothing more to gain... that is why we aren't in Cuba anymore but we are still in Iraq. That is why we only help out in poor African countries when the media is covering the story and why we don't get overly involved in the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Sure GW is stepping in now... Sure the director of FEMA may have resigned to take heat off, and so we have SOMEONE to blame (that is part of human nature). The reality of the situation is that it isn't only his fault. I am sure the director of FEMA can only make decisions based on the information he is given by those individuals surrounding him... Did he chose them, appoint them?
The most interesting thing to me is to see if Americans will make a connection with how our government reacted to this situation and how it REACTS to the world. The United States is no longer Proactive in protecting. Look at the fall of the world trade towers... a bombing had occurred years earlier and we didn't develop "Homeland Security" then to prevent the situation. Research, learning, and understanding the new type of "warfare" didn't' occur until it literally hit home even though "terrorism" has existed throughout the world for so long.
It is amazing how arrogant our nation is. So we had a few monumental accomplishments in the past but we are behind the game now. We build cities below sea level thinking we can control nature. We treat natural resources as if they are unlimited. We exploit the world and even ourselves. I say we because I AM AN AMERICAN. Though I am not always proud of it, I am proud of the freedom and privileges we do have, even though those too are disappearing (see the supreme courts ruling on eminent domain). It is a scary thing. I only wish I knew what the would, our country, and the lives of my children would be like in the future. I don't think we "Americans" are leaving them much to work with.
Granted I am only one person with one opinion. The world is a very complicated place. There is no black and white for the right and wrong thing to do because we are so much more connected around the world than we ever have been. I wish that we could communicate better. I wish that we didn't live in fear. I wish that we could learn not tolerance but acceptance of differences... yeah I know that is mushy, and I know it is asking a lot and maybe too much because comes down to admitting that you may not be absolutely and completely right! But that is something to think about... because I could write a whole lot more on trying to argue there is no "right" and "wrong" or who decides "right and wrong".... well you get the point.
I must admit that the language made me angry at first because so often the word "refugee" comes with a certain connotation loaded with race. The situation itself was racially framed by members of the media, and in thinking about the world, I got to thinking how many times "white people" were called refugees. How often are "refugees" of "white" countries referred to as "refugees"? I would think they they are more often called evacuees. It is a very difficult situation and it brings to the surface the many issues this country faces and I myself with racial discrimination. Racial discrimination, identification that may be unconscious.
The more I think about it, I think we are actually using race to hide a different kind of discrimination, a more important kind of discrimination.... I think by focusing on the race issue we are taking light off the real issue of socio-economic discrimination. So many people were affected by these tragic events and those people who were essentially "left behind" were too poor to go on their own. Single moms, the elderly, the sick, the poor and the broken.
I hope that these events open many American's eyes to how our government actually operates. The "government's" reaction to disaster, despair, and call to action within our own boarders is similar to our reactions around the world. Slow.... and only when it is too late and we can look like heroes. Then we also leave before things are done... but only when the countries are poor and the US has nothing more to gain... that is why we aren't in Cuba anymore but we are still in Iraq. That is why we only help out in poor African countries when the media is covering the story and why we don't get overly involved in the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Sure GW is stepping in now... Sure the director of FEMA may have resigned to take heat off, and so we have SOMEONE to blame (that is part of human nature). The reality of the situation is that it isn't only his fault. I am sure the director of FEMA can only make decisions based on the information he is given by those individuals surrounding him... Did he chose them, appoint them?
The most interesting thing to me is to see if Americans will make a connection with how our government reacted to this situation and how it REACTS to the world. The United States is no longer Proactive in protecting. Look at the fall of the world trade towers... a bombing had occurred years earlier and we didn't develop "Homeland Security" then to prevent the situation. Research, learning, and understanding the new type of "warfare" didn't' occur until it literally hit home even though "terrorism" has existed throughout the world for so long.
It is amazing how arrogant our nation is. So we had a few monumental accomplishments in the past but we are behind the game now. We build cities below sea level thinking we can control nature. We treat natural resources as if they are unlimited. We exploit the world and even ourselves. I say we because I AM AN AMERICAN. Though I am not always proud of it, I am proud of the freedom and privileges we do have, even though those too are disappearing (see the supreme courts ruling on eminent domain). It is a scary thing. I only wish I knew what the would, our country, and the lives of my children would be like in the future. I don't think we "Americans" are leaving them much to work with.
Granted I am only one person with one opinion. The world is a very complicated place. There is no black and white for the right and wrong thing to do because we are so much more connected around the world than we ever have been. I wish that we could communicate better. I wish that we didn't live in fear. I wish that we could learn not tolerance but acceptance of differences... yeah I know that is mushy, and I know it is asking a lot and maybe too much because comes down to admitting that you may not be absolutely and completely right! But that is something to think about... because I could write a whole lot more on trying to argue there is no "right" and "wrong" or who decides "right and wrong".... well you get the point.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)