It's been a long time...some important stuff has happened

I know it has been a long time since I have written to my Blog and I was going to sign on and lament again about my broken heart and then renew that it is no longer broken.... but instead so much has happened in the time since I last wrote that there are other things to talk about. The most important being a devastating hurricane hit the Gulf of Mexico and it is all the news has seemed to cover the last couple of weeks. The pictures shown and the language used should humble Americans because we now have a part of our nation where people were and are living in conditions similar to those of a "third world country" (the media's words not mine). The "refugees" of Louisiana and Mississippi are without food, water, shelter, and protection.

I must admit that the language made me angry at first because so often the word "refugee" comes with a certain connotation loaded with race. The situation itself was racially framed by members of the media, and in thinking about the world, I got to thinking how many times "white people" were called refugees. How often are "refugees" of "white" countries referred to as "refugees"? I would think they they are more often called evacuees. It is a very difficult situation and it brings to the surface the many issues this country faces and I myself with racial discrimination. Racial discrimination, identification that may be unconscious.

The more I think about it, I think we are actually using race to hide a different kind of discrimination, a more important kind of discrimination.... I think by focusing on the race issue we are taking light off the real issue of socio-economic discrimination. So many people were affected by these tragic events and those people who were essentially "left behind" were too poor to go on their own. Single moms, the elderly, the sick, the poor and the broken.

I hope that these events open many American's eyes to how our government actually operates. The "government's" reaction to disaster, despair, and call to action within our own boarders is similar to our reactions around the world. Slow.... and only when it is too late and we can look like heroes. Then we also leave before things are done... but only when the countries are poor and the US has nothing more to gain... that is why we aren't in Cuba anymore but we are still in Iraq. That is why we only help out in poor African countries when the media is covering the story and why we don't get overly involved in the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Sure GW is stepping in now... Sure the director of FEMA may have resigned to take heat off, and so we have SOMEONE to blame (that is part of human nature). The reality of the situation is that it isn't only his fault. I am sure the director of FEMA can only make decisions based on the information he is given by those individuals surrounding him... Did he chose them, appoint them?

The most interesting thing to me is to see if Americans will make a connection with how our government reacted to this situation and how it REACTS to the world. The United States is no longer Proactive in protecting. Look at the fall of the world trade towers... a bombing had occurred years earlier and we didn't develop "Homeland Security" then to prevent the situation. Research, learning, and understanding the new type of "warfare" didn't' occur until it literally hit home even though "terrorism" has existed throughout the world for so long.

It is amazing how arrogant our nation is. So we had a few monumental accomplishments in the past but we are behind the game now. We build cities below sea level thinking we can control nature. We treat natural resources as if they are unlimited. We exploit the world and even ourselves. I say we because I AM AN AMERICAN. Though I am not always proud of it, I am proud of the freedom and privileges we do have, even though those too are disappearing (see the supreme courts ruling on eminent domain). It is a scary thing. I only wish I knew what the would, our country, and the lives of my children would be like in the future. I don't think we "Americans" are leaving them much to work with.

Granted I am only one person with one opinion. The world is a very complicated place. There is no black and white for the right and wrong thing to do because we are so much more connected around the world than we ever have been. I wish that we could communicate better. I wish that we didn't live in fear. I wish that we could learn not tolerance but acceptance of differences... yeah I know that is mushy, and I know it is asking a lot and maybe too much because comes down to admitting that you may not be absolutely and completely right! But that is something to think about... because I could write a whole lot more on trying to argue there is no "right" and "wrong" or who decides "right and wrong".... well you get the point.

God has a sense of humor

It is so funny. God really does have a sense of humor and it may seem cruel but it is for the best because it helps you get over all the stupid stuff, the anger, the hurt, you have in your life. The important thing is to laugh. I say this because here I am six months after being with your my ex and I am doing a lot of exactly what I used to do with him, not by choice but because of what I like to do. It is ironic though that due to circumstances way beyond my control people are taking me to places I first went with your my ex, and events are being scheduled there as well. The world really is a small place. For example: Your bro invited me to Havasupai falls and now I have a group of people really pursuing me to go, floating down the salt river, playing tennis at midnight, watching fireworks with a potential mate, and getting drunk for the 4th (last year was the first time), taking me to baseball games, and now the first "dinner" we had alone was at Rustler's Roost, our company dinner is going to be there and one of my co-worker friends is going to introduce me to her brother. I had no idea it would be there. I guess God is showing me that I can go to these places and do these things by myself and with other people. It is showing me that though your time with a person can be intimate, special, and feel like forever, when it isn't anymore... it doesn't mean it is over... it is just funny because God fools you into thinking you have your life planned out, and he can change it in an instant. :-)

A year ago today...

I was driving in a car to start a new life, a life of my own. I was driving alone thinking about my life and trying to figure out where it was going. I didn't know what I wanted in life, but I knew I needed to grow up. I wanted to grow up, to become more independent. A year later, I am not sure if anything has really changed. I have lived life. In the past year I think I have really taken one step forward and three steps back about two times. Right now I am in the stepping forward period, but to get here I had to take three steps back.

Moving to the first step forward. I got a job, a boyfriend, and was generally happy. It was the first time in a long time! My job was really stressful and not what I wanted to do with my life, but it was an amazing learning experience. My boyfriend was perfect (or so I thought). He provided me with the support to go on. He provided the open comforting arms I needed so much after a hard day at work. Our life together was content. I was paying my own bills, saving some money, and doing new things, slowly but surely. I knew I wanted to get a different job and eventually return to school. I thought I had it figured out.

Here I am a year later. I didn't really get anywhere. I started a new job a few months ago and am mending a broken heart. Things are mostly just pending. IF I get hired on permanently where I am, I will be in good shape, at least for one of my ambitions in life. I will be able to go to school for free for anything I want... which is good because I don't know what I want. I have a "to do" list that is six pages long, of random things I want to do in life. The things on this list range from seeing the master's artwork in France to going bowling and rolling three strikes in a row. I want to live. The hardest part of this list is that for so long I have made memories by myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want someone to make memories with, to make mistakes with, and to grow up with... or at least support me while I do these things. It is funny the first half of the year here I fought not to fall in love. The second half of the year I have been trying to fall out of it. Well, it is a new year, at least for me. I am slowly moving toward embracing my life as it is. There is a line in a song that says "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." Well, he is laughing at me because I am so far away from what I planned.

I never wanted to be alone or adventurous. I never wanted to "date", go out and drink, or travel the world. Now it seems that is what I am meant to do. My spirit has become so restless. Maybe it is just the heartache talking that I feel I need to keep moving or risk being hurt, but it doesn't seem I am to stay... well only time will tell and yet I realize how precious little time we have in life. So again, a year later, I step forward...