An Ideal Situation: Tug-o-war between the heart and the head

What do you want in a guy? What do you want in a relationship? What do you want out of life? Young adults think about these questions all the time, or at lease I do. Many feel they are easy questions because you get to answer them all on you own. They are completely subjective answers. The difficult part is what you want today may not be what you want in a few years.

Here is an example of an ideal situation but the timing is off. There is this man I have been “seeing”, I use this term loosely, for a couple of months now. He is 35, I am 23. He is perfect and would make a great long term partner. He is stable, secure, and a lot of fun. He is a college professor who is quite intelligent and cultured. We enjoy many of the same things: the theatre, cultural events, the outdoors, paddling/rowing, traveling, salsa dancing poorly and new experiences.

He is working on attainting his tenure, does consulting on the side, knows how to and does works hard. He has his own house and enjoys fixing it up. He would make a good husband and father. He is sweet, romantic, funny, gentle, and most importantly patient.

But…
I have never kissed him and many times when we get physically it feels weird. I don’t know think it is the age thing. My sister says it is because he isn’t that attractive, but I think it is because he has it all figured out and I am not there yet.

He knows what he wants in life and is getting it. I know I want to settle down, get married, and have kids but not right now. I need to still make a ton of mistakes and figure out who I am. I guess I want to be someone I can “grow” with. I want to be with someone who wants to figure things out with me. Someone who is still dreaming and wandering through life a little. Someone who still has doubts about their career and if they want kids or not. I want someone who wants to make those decisions with me. I know you make decisions in any relationship but, I want to be with someone who hasn’t has as much time to think about those things as this professor.

I want him to be secure and a hard worker until he figures things out. I want someone who wants to do things, spontaneously and be reckless occasionally. I want someone to fall in love with. I guess that is what really irks me about this situation. I know I could be okay, financially set, intellectually stimulated, emotionally stable, I don’t know if I could have kids with him yet, or ever be really passionate about our relationship. But, I can’t necessarily see myself with him in five years. I think the idea of security is very alluring, but I think I would get restless and want a change because he has a routine built into his life that he has kept for many years already.

I am stupid because if I were smart I would really give this guy a chance and see if I could fall in love with him. But something is holding me back. I think it is because I want a relationship where I can help my partner grow and become an amazing person thorugh support and I want them to support me and help me become an amazing person. I want us to be a part of each other’s successes and failures. So in the end, I am ruled by my heart.

The Ideal Situation: Ruled by the heart or the mind

"Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else."
George Bernard Shaw

Booked: No need to check my calendar

My trip to back to school was perfect! It was exactly what I needed to restore my self confidence. I am now sure of myself and see my ability to make my future. It was interesting that the moment I got into town my phone started ringing off the hook. I forgot in school I was the one everyone wanted to be around (gee... don't I sound conceited).

I think it was more I new how to gather a group of diverse and interesting people, introduce them to an unfamiliar setting, and let the entire thing mix and see what happens. Well, needless to say I was busy the entire time. I enjoyed seeing everyone and it was terrific how even after a year of not seeing my friends, I was completely comfortable around them. I didn't feel obligated to entertain, or even talk a lot. We were just comfortable. (At least I hope they were.)

Well, during a conversation with my friend Andrew, at like 3am, we talked about how in college I knew my calendar for social events a month in advance. I didn't realize it then, but now I do. Now that I use a day planner, and try to get together or pull together a diverse set of my friends, it is near impossible. Not because their schedules aren't open but because our schedules never coincide. I look at my calendar now and I have been booked every weekend since Cinco de Mayo until July 9th. Isn't that ridiculous, my calendar is still a month out, I guess it was just when I had a boyfriend that I didn't make plans.

So... I forgot that I had a life of my own. I kind of lost it, but now it is found. I still get lonely sometimes, but I am enjoying it once again. I guess we all have to lose ourselves and relearn who we are after breaking up, because when you are falling in love, you lose who you are and become a part of someone else and a relationship that takes on an identity of its own. That is okay. That is what falling in love is, losing, immersing, and finding yourself in someone else. Yeah I fall in love easy, but at least I know how to love. I don't think my love is ever wasted. The only one who really gets hurt in the end is me, but that is okay. If I didn't it means I never really cared.