Booked: No need to check my calendar

My trip to back to school was perfect! It was exactly what I needed to restore my self confidence. I am now sure of myself and see my ability to make my future. It was interesting that the moment I got into town my phone started ringing off the hook. I forgot in school I was the one everyone wanted to be around (gee... don't I sound conceited).

I think it was more I new how to gather a group of diverse and interesting people, introduce them to an unfamiliar setting, and let the entire thing mix and see what happens. Well, needless to say I was busy the entire time. I enjoyed seeing everyone and it was terrific how even after a year of not seeing my friends, I was completely comfortable around them. I didn't feel obligated to entertain, or even talk a lot. We were just comfortable. (At least I hope they were.)

Well, during a conversation with my friend Andrew, at like 3am, we talked about how in college I knew my calendar for social events a month in advance. I didn't realize it then, but now I do. Now that I use a day planner, and try to get together or pull together a diverse set of my friends, it is near impossible. Not because their schedules aren't open but because our schedules never coincide. I look at my calendar now and I have been booked every weekend since Cinco de Mayo until July 9th. Isn't that ridiculous, my calendar is still a month out, I guess it was just when I had a boyfriend that I didn't make plans.

So... I forgot that I had a life of my own. I kind of lost it, but now it is found. I still get lonely sometimes, but I am enjoying it once again. I guess we all have to lose ourselves and relearn who we are after breaking up, because when you are falling in love, you lose who you are and become a part of someone else and a relationship that takes on an identity of its own. That is okay. That is what falling in love is, losing, immersing, and finding yourself in someone else. Yeah I fall in love easy, but at least I know how to love. I don't think my love is ever wasted. The only one who really gets hurt in the end is me, but that is okay. If I didn't it means I never really cared.

Messages from God; What do they mean?

Messages from God: What do they mean?

I am here ready to run away not knowing what to do. I have a job that is guaranteed to go nowhere (up or down the corporate ladder) for at least six months and in fact may not be there at all after August. I have learned a lot from it but I still have an itch to run. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, and I wanted to just quit altogether. Then out of the blue, a big surprise to everyone including our managers, they decide to move our office to another building. This new building is literally a hop, skip, and jump away from where I live. It’s as if God is saying, “Can I make it anymore clear? STAY WHERE YOU ARE AT, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.”

So I guess I am going to stay at least until August when the funding for our grant runs dry. If the grant I am working on doesn’t get refunded it will be a sign to go. If it gets funding, well at least in the mean time, I am going to be more serious about pursuing other endeavors and leaving in December.

I must form my own circle of friends if I am to remain where I am. That is the primary concern I have. I can’t be so reliant on my sister, and that way when they ask if I have anyone I want to invite, there isn’t a single soul I can call. It is my own damn fault for getting mixed up with a guy so early into my transition to a new place. I was immediately sucked into his circle when I should have been creating my own. I got into a comfort zone and didn’t make an effort to find my own space. It’s okay though because….

My main goal is going to be going back to school I am going to have to begin seriously studying for the GREs again and figuring out where I want to go to school. I don’t have letters of recommendation and I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I do know I can do school. School is the one thing in my life at which I am halfway decent.

Another avenue I am going to pursue is going to be getting my passport, so that if I am chosen for the Peace Corps I can pick up and leave. I also want my passport because I am going to apply for teaching positions outside the US in Korea, Japan, or South America so that if pushed, I can disappear.

Bitterly Jealous

I have a problem. I am a bad person. I know it deep down inside and no one else believes me. However, now I have proof. I have proof that I am a horrible person. I don't understand why, but it has finally surfaced... I am bitterly jealous of my sister. She has everything I have ever wanted. She has done everything first ( on an absolute timescale for age). She had sex first, she had a boyfriend first, she went to college classes first, she got to party first, she has boys wrapped around her finger, she is going to buy a house first, got a great job first, made more money first, makes friends first, moved out first, will graduate from college at a younger age, has things figured out first. I am very happy for her but at the same time I am horribly jeolous and angry. I am hurt and angry because each time I have tried to do one of these things first, she didn't let me. The biggest blows have come recently. I moved out here to be with her... to get to actually grow up on my own. I wanted to buy a house when I first got out her, it would have been an investment... my sister convinced me it was a commitment and said it was stupid for me to buy a house. She always asks, why are you going to stay here? What do you have here? What do you want to do here? I am beginning to understand that she really doesn't want me here. That would be easier than just sabatoging my dreams. She is already getting everything first. All I want is a husband, kids, a house, and a simple job... but somehow she and my family don't believe that is good enough for me. It hurts so much by them saying that. It hurts because it makes me feel like I don't deserve those things. Like they know I will never have those things, or shouldn't want those things. Why ar they awalsy chasing me? My friends are accusing me of "running away". Wouldn't you want to run away too if it felt like no one wanted you to be around. I know they are trying to say I can do more, be more, but what is wrong with wanting things simple... I can't do this anymore. I want to scream and run away and never come back. Or only come back when I have exactly what I want, so they can't convince me it isn't what I want. So tell me, do I have a reason to leave everything I know so I can try to find myself? Or should I stay here where I am, where they can all continue to influence me. In the end it doens't matter, because I am so stuck, I will continue to go nowhere.