My Life and lessons learned

Day 2 Abu Dhabi continued

2010-04-27T21:16:00.002-07:00

I am so frustrated, I must have deleted my second part to describing day 2. Probably because mom and I were so lazy after the Spa. We literally came back to the apartment and slept a good part of the afternoon. I guess the "lavender" aroma therapy helped with Insomnia.

However, before the Spa we walked all around the Abu Dhabi Mall. This is a three story mall. Mom thought it was a really big mall. We saw all the Abaya shops and noted how it was very much like an American mall. All I could think about was what she would think when she saw Marina mall tomorrow.

We basically got dinner ready for Tricia and Sarah, a homemade enchilada dinner including sopapillas. I think it will be Tricia's favorite part of our visit.

Day 2 Abu Dhabi: Pictures of the Spa

2010-04-27T14:09:00.001-07:00

Mom and me at the Spa Day! Check out how fancy this is. We had our own room for facials and massages. Look at these fancy duds, the robes were so comfy and the slippers nice.

Day 1 Abu Dhabi - the Corniche

2010-04-26T06:00:00.006-07:00

Hello everyone, it is our first full day in Abu Dhabi. Sunday doesn't count because we basically got off the plane and went to bed. :-) What we primarily did today was walk all along the Corniche (the man-made beach). We saw the "public" beach, the "singles" beach, as well as the "Family beach." Basically women are allowed on all the beaches, but only women and families are allowed in the "family beach" area.

(Pictures coming soon, we don't have a cord to mom's camera.)

We walked probably about 4-5 miles as we walked to the Emirates Palace. The grounds are huge and extensive. If we had taken a cab we would have gone in. However, instead we took pictures from outside the walls and walked back to the Prestige Car Building, where my sister's apartment is. (Basically, in Abu Dhabi there are no addresses, you get around by telling the cab drivers the "names" of the building you want to go to.)

(Pictures coming soon, we don't have a cord to mom's camera.)

On our walk back we stopped at a grocery store (Food is very important) called Spinny's. Spinney's is probably one of the larger grocery stores in town and yet it is smaller than most grocery stores back home. What makes Spinney's a big deal is that it has the forbidden pork room. Basically, because this is a Muslim country, pork is kept completely separate from the rest of the store. You have to walk through a door in the back of the store past the sign that says "non-Muslims only" to buy some real bacon. Otherwise you have turkey bacon, veal bacon, or other strange tasting kind of meats.

(Pictures coming soon, we don't have a cord to mom's camera.)

Spinney's is also one of the few places you can buy alcohol. Alcohol is technically illegal here, you must have an alcohol license in order to buy alcohol. To buy alcohol you have to go in a separate unmarked door next to Spinney's and then walk out with a "black bag" carrying your purchases. I didn't buy any alcohol because we don't have licenses but my sister explained this to me.

(Pictures coming soon, we don't have a cord to mom's camera.)

On our way back we also passed a number of Mosques. They are pretty much on every corner/block for Muslims to stop and pray in. Here are just a few. Mom took pictures of the many fountains as well. It is amazing how "green" everything is here and how much water they use.

Finally, we get home just in time for Tricia to get here and then we are off to dinner at one of their favorite expensive restaurants, Oceans.

We leave Saturday morning and get there Sunday night... that is a long flight.

2010-04-25T23:00:00.001-07:00

At the beginning of the trip we are anxious and excited, but also a little scared. I am most thankful that the airspace in Europe was opened again, but I am not counting my chickens yet because we have to make it to and out of Frankfurt.

Mom getting ready to leave Phoenix for a 26 hour flight.
Mom's blank passport at the beginning of the trip.
Proof I was there too.

Here is a picture of us in Frankfurt, we only got the chairs...

The flight was really long, but three planes later we finally arrived in Abu Dhabi Airport. We made it. I don't have any pictures because we were so tired I am not sure we remembered to take any. The Abu Dhabi Airport is lovely though, I will take a picture when we leave to go to Barcelona. We each watched at least three to four movies before getting to Abu Dhabi, and even though we left Saturday morning, we got to Tricia apartment about 11pm Sunday night and went straight to bed.

Silencing the country

2010-01-04T18:44:00.001-07:00

I wanted to wait a few days to make sure I still felt the same way. It has been a couple of weeks since a senator was "silenced" thus "silencing" thousands of people in the nation. It has been a few days since a senator's vote was bought, and there was no public outrage from the other 59 states that will have to pick up the tab and pay for health care for one state. Even worse, no public outrage from the people who put those representatives in office who simply turned a blind eye and allowed it, going along with the "party" line instead of actually reading what they were signing and acknowledging the tit-for-tat that had to occur to get the ONE vote needed to pass without compromise so that it passed by more than one vote. That doesn't seem right to me. Doesn't it seem that there is something wrong with a piece of legislation when one person can hold an entire party hostage to get an "out?" And yet it seems no one cares. The headlines have been barely covering it.... no one seems to realize the underhandedness that is going on. I think a friend at work is right, there need to be term limits on senators and congressman. Our president has a term limit, so should they so instead of taking forever to go no where or worrying so much about being re-elected as opposed to actually doing a good job they can concentrate on making good decisions for our country.

I am really starting to think the government is too big brotherish now. I thought the point of the federal government was national security, primarily from outside entities. When did it become their job to determine every aspect of our lives? I think I have to read more on this whole tea part movement by the libertarians if only to support them so that there can be more diversity in the senate and congress so that "one vote" can't just be bought to get the job done. Maybe if we had three parties in congress and the senate it would actually require negotiation. Don't people realize it isn't about WINNING it is about doing what is right for everyone. Having some people not have to pay, entire states get to opt out, etc... that is not what we meant for congress to do. We meant for congress to come to a compromise where everyone gives in a little.

It is a scary time.

Over a year

2009-12-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

LOL, it may have taken awhile but I am finally taking the first step to printing some of my pictures from my trip around the world that occurred over a year ago now. Here is one of my time in France. It really was amazing. I wandered around this day, all on my own. It took me awhile, but I made it to the tower. Then it started raining when I was ready to leave. Let me say, I was soaked pretty quickly. I had so much fun until the rain started. But I did get some good pictures before then.

The short wish list

2009-09-06T23:50:00.002-07:00

In trying to figure out how to start saving my money to buy stuff... I created a short list of things to buy:

- Landscaping for the backyard ($3000)
- A big TV ($1000)
- A Gun, according to Ben I need this ($500)
- Office furniture ($600)
- Car ($18,000 or whatever gives me a $250 car payment)

Why is stuff so expensive? :-(

The Cover Monster!

2009-09-06T23:40:00.003-07:00

When I go to sleep, I love to be covered. In the summer or winter, I have to have blankets. Have you ever shared a bed with someone who gets really hot that they sleep on top of the blankets or without any at all, well at least at the beginning of the night...

Then you find that somehow, in the middle of the night, they become the "cover monster" and steal all of the blankets and sheets.

I don't really care, I don't get mad, I just find it hilarious. :-)

To Those of You Born 1930 - 1979

2009-08-18T10:38:00.002-07:00

I received this forward from my aunt - if I ever have a kid, this is how they are going to be raised.

To Those of You Born 1930 - 1979
(Original Author Unknown)

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

F irst, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K..

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no person al computers, no Internet and no chat rooms

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were NO lawsuits from these ACCIDENTS. YES real ACCIDENTS.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? ~

Arizona, Guns, and the National News

2009-08-18T08:43:00.006-07:00

The local news reported that Arizona had made national headline news because of some protesters. These protesters were protesting President Obama as he was speaking to Veterans. What is sad, is I am not quite sure exactly what these protesters were concerned about. Was it Health care? Was it Gun Control?

Whatever it was got lost because of the 12 people who decided to demonstrate their constitutional right to bear arms. 12 individuals took their guns to the protest as a display of their civil rights. Arizona is an open-carry state. These individuals exercised their rights in a safe and responsible manner and they are receiving backlash for it.

They were not anywhere near the president, nor were their any reported incidents. Who is to say that the presence of these people didn't actually aid in a peaceful protest.

These demonstrators are not my concern. They are showing their guns and I can make a cognizant choice to avoid them or be wary of engaging them. The people who actually scare me are the individuals with illegally concealed weapons. The ones who break in to houses, or rob people at gun point. The individuals who do not follow the law. The real criminals who bear arms not to protect their homes or themselves but to harm others.

The large portion of the public feels the need to protect themselves. http://www.newsvine.com/_question/2009/05/19/2838754-should-loaded-concealed-guns-be-allowed-in-national-parks

As we continue to reduce police, fire, and other protective services budgets the responsibility falls on individuals to protect themselves and their families. As I have gained friends in law enforcement, and even reported on the news, at least locally.
http://www.kpho.com/news/19791931/detail.html

It seems that in violent home invasions, chances of surviving are increased if people fight back as evidenced by this woman.
http://www.abc15.com/content/news/centralsouthernarizona/other/story/Survivor-of-S-Arizona-home-invasion-shot-back-at/yEGMMHP470Sxf_xAkqNyrA.cspx

Don't you at least want the option to be able to protect yourself if your life ever feels absolutely threatened? Whether at home or on public lands? How dangerous is it to go to a grocery store nowadays? I know that I do everything I can to avoid putting myself in bad situations. Avoid parking by over sized vehicles, always scan the area around me, am suspicious of everyone.

However, all of that is only preventative, if in a real dangerous situation in my home or my car what true "defense" do I have? I am going to fight to the end, I do know that but many times fighting does no good when the criminal has a gun, knife, weapon of any kind because they KNOW as a law abiding citizen you have nothing to protect you and can take advantage of the situation.

Even with my alarm, the alarm company will call first to make sure you are okay, then after they try the three numbers on the account they call and dispatch the police. It takes police 3-5 minutes to get to a location (minimum!) when they know it is an active emergency. When it is an alarm being "tripped" they can't go gun blazing because they have no proof there is a problem so it typically takes more time for someone to get there and help. Even then, Police can't just come in guns blazing to save you, they have to assess a threat and then proceed. A lot can happen in 3-5 minutes.

Try it, sit there and literally count every single second... pause after each number to magnify the effect... because when you are pumped full of adrenaline and scared to death... those seconds seem like hours. Everything slows down... and those 3-5 minutes feel like hours especially if you are being hit, raped, or violated in anyway. In 3-5 minutes you could be dead!

Are you sure you don't want the option to have something to protect you? What would you chose to protect you? A tazer? Good luck with your aim you get one shot! A stun gun, good luck getting close enough if they have a gun or knife! Mace? If it gets on you first you are as disabled as the criminal, so what happens when there is more than one person? A baseball bat, you can do some damage, but again... if you don't take them out in one hit... now all you have did was piss them off. What is the solution? You shouldn't protect yourself? Just wait for the police?

How frustrated do you get when you have had to wait for the police when you get in a car accident? How are you going to feel when it is your life in the balance?

Sorry everyone, this is the real world. Everyone has the potential for good, but not everyone is good!

Ugh Boys!

2009-08-18T08:37:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed how an idea isn't a good idea until the guy thinks of it? No matter how many times you mention something or indicate you want to do something and try to put out feelers to see if others are interested, boys seem to go deaf. But when they come up with the same idea a short while later, it is a great idea and they are super excited and energetic and ready to plan the whole thing out. When you are ready to plan, they are ho-hum, yeah whatever. I am sick of it. That is why I have taken to doing things by myself. It just sucks that there is no one there to share the memories with to relive later. Grr... fine, you want me to plan. I am going to plan.

My letter to my congressman

2009-08-11T11:49:00.001-07:00

Hello and good day,

I am writing to urge you to think very long and hard about the new health care reform proposals being presented to congress. I have been a lifelong democrat/liberal but with the growing debt, lack of demand by our party for personal responsibility, and now the continued reward for irresponsibility this additional legislation will provide is too much.

This legislation is not addressing the needs of the people who actually pay for their health care, which is what we are truly concerned about. Being denied services such as surgery, physical therapy, and medication because of health insurance bureaucracy is my problem. I am tired of paying... paying for the housing, food, bills, clothes, cars, and schools of irresponsible individuals who have no desire to help themselves and instead choose to live of the system. Buying drugs, or Nike shoes, new cars, houses they can't afford, etc, while as a responsible citizen who make educated and informed decisions to live responsibly must pay for their being without any say in how my income taxes (which are nearly 40% by the way) are spent and who gets my help.

Because I chose not to have children until I can afford them, I am taxed. Because Jane Doe knows she can get more money for each kid she has more. It is not about religion, it is not about abortion, it is about responsibility. The reality is, families cost this country more so they should be contributing more to our government and how it functions.

It is time for true equality. Equality of taxation and responsibility. Our Constitution states the "pursuit" of happiness is a right. I cannot pursue happiness because I am paying for the happiness of others who are not "pursing" anything. It is time for a straight across federal income tax that treats everyone equal. Not based on income, family size, or anything. To be equal would mean we are all treated the same by the government. What we have now is preferential treatment for the lowest non-contributing portion of society who are "exempt" from taxes.

During the election, Obama spoke of service. Write into the health care bill and any other bill that provides money to individuals who are "hard pressed" to earn it through service. How many government buildings, national parks, federal roads, state roads, public parks, private volunteer opportunities exist in this country. If people want something from the government, they should give back in anyway they can. Pick up trash for all I care. People can log and submit community service as payment for the services they receive, if they can't earn an income to pay taxes.

I am tired of the "riders" on bills so that they "get pushed through." I am tired of lobbyists and congress deciding things without public input. I am tired of problems not being addressed because of the double-dealing.

Tell me how, I can work toward a constitutional amendment that "bans" riders on bills.

Tell me how I can work toward a constitutional amendment that guarantees my right to bear arms so the bad guys are the only ones with guns.

I want to know how "we the people" can actually get things done to address problems instead of use a tit-for-tat method which helps no one and never addresses the problem.

So much death

2009-07-18T08:44:00.002-07:00

I wish I was better read or more well versed with the greatest authors so I could find some profound quote on death. Over the last few weeks, there seems to have been a number of "deaths" among "celebrities" in this world. Ed McMahon was followed by Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, the Oxy Clean guy (Billy Mays, a famous NFL quarterback was murdered (McNair), and now Walter Cronkite.

So much death... and all at in a condensed amount of time. This on top of 40 years ago today they landed on the moon, the economic crisis, the move toward socialized health care with a trillion dollar price tag to do it. The world is changing.

A former manager once told me that deaths of "good" people occurs when their energy and spirit are needed in the world to revitalize the earth's spirit and inject good back into the world. Many of these deaths have done that. Farrah's fight with Cancer brought people together. Jackson's dancing and music made us feel good and remind us to have fun. Billy Mays that life is too short and you have approach life with energy and gusto. McNair, that violence is sometimes unexpected and we all have to do our part to make the world a better place by living according to our highest morals. And now Cronkite.

I hope that Cronkite's death rejuvenates the field of journalism. Brings people back to the industry to provide real researched reporting, with less opinion and more fact. I hope it encourages reporters to again ask the hard questions whether they "support" a person or not, and actually especially if they support him or her. Ask those direct questions, because in this age of information overload, we need direct clear answers. We need someone who will not be afraid of looking bad by asking Obama why he hasn't written a bill to propose instead leaving it up to congress to do ALL the work. We need someone who is going to challenge the Republican party asking specific members WHY they are not for equal right in recognizing families differ and a "domestic" partner should be afforded the same right, and recognizing that will "rebuild" a home foundation with TWO parents because it will be allowed and accepted.

Someone who is going to challenge Senate committees, lobbyists and businessman to focus on a solution and do the research to bring to light all the "deals" that happen that aren't in the best interest of "the people." Who are aware of, inspire, and even demand that those with money and power are socially responsible and hold themselves to a higher ethical standard.

Walter Cronkite, I hope that your spirit goes out and brings honesty, integrity, curiosity, and a renewed vigor to seek out the truth in the field of Journalism.

What I did at work today

2009-04-09T10:42:00.006-07:00

Below is a chronology of our experiments with Peeps, those fun colored sugar confections that appear every year around Easter. Remember, we were at work. :-) Here are the emails that summed up our experiments. Identities have been concealed to protect the innocent and integrity of the research.

Official experiment log and responses of the Peep-ologists at company XYZ
March 9, 2009

Entry 1: Initial Experiment 9:30AM

These are the official findings of the “Peep” in the Microwave experiment:

The peep was placed on a paper plate and inserted into the microwave on Medium High for 30 seconds.

There was little or no change in first ten seconds. The peep then began to “puff” up. It stayed rather small for another 5 seconds and then came the dramatic change. The peep become “engorged” and swelled to massive proportions. Seeping beyond the sugar coating and becoming roasted on the inside.

The peep was removed with about 5 seconds remaining.

After viewing the results of the experiment, the participants consumed the peep commenting on the fact that it tasted better than if it had not been “Nuked”. The real drawback to the flavor was that the outside sugar coating got hard and really tasted bad.

So, in conclusion, peeps are good roasted if you can do away with the sugar coating and they are great fun to watch them swell into a massive lump, particularly if you are with a great group of people!!

These official findings will never be published beyond this email. So, don’t go looking for it in a science journal!

Entry 2: News release 10:00AM

Breaking news...in an unprecedented scientific experiment, held in Funsville, USA, peep research specialist Wisp (2009) identified the molecular constitution of the wingless bird. While the Wisp (2009) research demonstrated the breaking point of a peep, further studies are necessary to determine if the Chick Peep's cousin, Rabbit Peep, is made of the same stuff. The lingering question: Will a rabbit peep crack under the same nuclear pressure?

Reference:

Wisp, P. (2009). Personal demonstration of peep show. Company XYZ Kitchen; 3rd Floor.

Entry 3: Competing Theory

Bardin, a burgeoning peep-ologist, theorizes that the Rabbit Peep research will yield similar results to the Chic Peep experiments, performed by Wisp in 2009, with one major difference. Bardin’s theory states that the shape of the Rabbit Peep, while being bombarded internally by microwaves, will expand in a manner that has a higher level of hilari-ous-itude than the Chic Peep. Plus, and perhaps more importantly, there is the finite possibility that the remains of the Bunny Peep will without explanation, end up cradled between two flat, flour based, crunchy confections, with a small bar of processed, hydrogenated, sweetened and solidified product of the coco bean, after which it will miraculously disappear.

Entry 4: Official Findings Phase I, March 9, 2009 10:30AM

The Rabbit Peep experiment brought about drastic changes in the development of marshmallow expansion.

The circumstances and preparations were all consistent with the “chick” peep test. The same temperature was used as was the same microwave, leaving little to question as to the final results.

The microwave was set on medium high for 30 seconds. The rabbit peep began to expand into a massive mess of marshmallow within five seconds. The experiment was stopped at 20 seconds as the peep expanded and began to shrink.

Participants were mixed in their judgment as to which peep tasted better!

Missing from both experiments was chocolate and grahams, which would have added a new dimension to the overall outcome of in this experiment of “Peepology”

Further experiments will be conducted to determine the merging ability of two different peeps. It could solve the age old question as to which came first the chick peep or the bunny peep and which will best stand the test of time!!

Entry 5: Future research

New Peep-ologists are looking to expand Peep research even further. One researcher stated, "I am so excited about this research and wish to join the research team with a new project. Flaming the 'Peep' over open fire."

Is there more to come? Only the future will tell.

Rant: New home buyer $7500 loan in 2008 vs. $8000 for free in 2009

2009-03-20T13:02:00.002-07:00

This is bull! The government is so stupid. Those people who made responsible decisions don't get any kind of break. I am ready to find a job where I will be let go so I can collect unemployment, which will allow me to get a loan modification for a lower interest rate, and a free $8000 from the government.

I don't' mind the $7500 "loan" in 2008 but it is Bull that the government is giving $$$ that doesn't have to be paid back in 2009. Not only are they handing people free money to buy a house (unlike the responsible citizens in this country), but they are giving it to people who are going to gain the most equity immediately in their homes if the market does rebound. I am all for giving them a loan, but with no repayment. We are already a trillion dollars in debt as a country. Oh my God, when is it going to stop.

No wonder the housing crisis happened. Our government is a horrendous example of fiscal responsibility. Our government is sending the message to the general public, there are more benefits than consequences if you set other people up to fail. Just wait for your neighbor to screw up.

Additionally, look at how much we are spending. We are spending money we simply do not have! I don't understand how that teaches the American people anything. Basically, if you don't have the money, borrow it and then more and more, it will be okay. I am sorry, isn't that why we are in this predicament in the first place. People were living beyond their means, now our government is living beyond its means. Even if we taxed every person making more than 100,000 dollars a year at 50%, I don't think we would be able to pay back the debt we are incurring, particularly when we are taking that tax and giving it away for free to people who barely contribute to the tax fund anyway. We are not a socialist country and I don't want to be. I wish I could decide who to help and who not to help. I am a bleeding hard liberal most of the time... but damn it, this is just stupid. Maybe it is time that I turn into a republican, because even though they may screw the little person, they make people work for their benefits at least.

Rule of Conscious for doctors

2009-02-17T13:04:00.002-07:00

Fine, I can see the argument for there to be a rule of conscious. There may be circumstances where people disagree with another's choices. But I do think that a doctor then has an obligation to refer a patient to another doctor to discuss the issue. They are potentially doing harm to the patient who is coming for help. Doing no harm does not just mean in accordance to your morals. A woman asking for the morning after pill, you may disagree with, but what kind of harm are you potentially putting a person in. A doctor does not know all of a person's personal circumstances, and the amount of time it would take to gather all that information makes taking the morning after pill too late. What if it is an incestuous situation a person has no control over? Making a person have to deal with even more emotional trauma from a forced pregnancy is doing harm to a person. So fine, if you want to deny care based on choice of conscious, that is okay, but I think I have the right to know about it in advance.

I think that doctors and health insurance plans should be responsible for disclosing that information in documentation availble to people prior to going into a doctor's office.

If a medical personal is going to refuse to provide birth control because of moral objections in any case, he or she should need to put that as a by line, the same way "bilingual" is listed.

Something like "rule of conscious for all matters of conception" that way women can make informed choices about being a doctor's patient or not. I would hate to find out I am going to see a doctor who is refusing treatments to others because their morals are judging my behavior and lifestyle.

Just as people who perform abortions are discrimnated against, then individuals could make conscious decisions to not support the oppostite practice either.

It would create a competative market where patients can more actively choose their doctor.

That way I can chose a doctor who is not refusing help or treatment to a person requiesting it because they are trying to improve their lifestyle and make equally informed decisions along their moral guidelines.

What happened to the our freedoms. These doctors refusal to refer to another doctor who is willing to help or address a patients issue in alignment with his or her morality is imposing their lifestyle on another. Fine, dont' do my abortion, but don't withold information about where I can get help from people who are more understanding and in line with my morals, then you are doing harm to me!

A dose of inspiration for the singletons

2009-02-02T11:51:00.002-07:00

Hi Everyone. I wanted to share a fantastic article I read today. It has been over a year from my disengagement and it has taken me awhile to accept and even relish my single life. I realize more and more everyday that my commitment free life and only worry about myself is quite nice. I don't have to stick to a strict budget because I plan for college funds, get permission to buy new clothes, or even have to worry about weather I pick up my clothes or not. Don't get me wrong, I still want a life partner, but I have realized how good my life actually is.

Anyway, an article inspired me today. It is about the changing role of being single, and how it is now a destination instead just a means to an end. the list at the end inspired me to sign up for that exercise class so that I can meet new people and just have some fun. So... I encourage you all to read it if you are single, because it is okay to be single. Being single may just mean that you are happy, content, and satisfied. Check out the article, and I encourage you to start employing some of the tips at the end. :-)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20060424-000003&print=1

In need of a life on the westside

2009-01-19T23:19:00.002-07:00

I love my little house and my job and my life as is... but the problem is it is focused in the East Valley of Phoenix. I drive about 40 miles to hang out with my friends. Stupid me for buying a house way out here. But I love my house... I just wish I could move my friends.

However, then again I look at my friends. I went out on Thursday last week, and it was a lot of fun. We went to play laser tag and had dinner. It was fun. But... I look around and everyone I hang out with is married/engaged and they all have kids already. I don't need those two things thrown up in my face every time I go out.

What makes it even worse, is when I do go out and hang out with these people... I am treated as if I am a wife to the person I am going out with. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I stay out of his business, we essentially have separate lives that intersect once or twice a week. I don't have any impact on his decisions and he doesn't have any on mine.

I think it is bogus that 30 is the new 20. I am still among an entire set of people who are already married with many kids and they are just in their early 30s. If 30 is the new 20 where are all of the almost 30s like me?

I know it is my fault. I need to get out more... maybe it is time that I make my way out to one of those "young alum" mixers.... but as I near 30, am I too old for those?

*Sigh* I gotta do something to bring my life to the west side.. or buy a house out east too.

Homework

2009-01-11T17:46:00.001-07:00

I hate homework. I don't know why I continuously enroll in classes. I like the dicussions and learning, but the homework isn't any fun. I can't motivate myself to do it. I even procrastinated by writing to my blog and complaining about it. I have a problem. :-) Oh well... Maybe I will do it now.

The buzz around the office...

2009-01-06T09:16:00.002-07:00

I overheard some girls at work talking today. They were discussing how many "potential" weddings there are in our department. I think they decided on 6 or 7. They were discussing how one of the girls should go to Vegas to get it done, "he would be down for that, wouldn't he?" she asked. Another girl told the story of how she bought her dress the day he proposed.

Sadly, that list of 6 or 7 didn't include me anymore. My heart half sank... while they are planning weddings I am in the process of applying for a job across the ocean in Germany. Though it is a very exciting prospect and would be a great career move, I can't help but realize the fate I am choosing by doing so.

It is making a reconciliation to the fact that I will never be a young bride, that instead I have little choice but to focus on a career and professional development.

God seems to have a way of making people take a path different than the one they have planned for themselves. Much of my life has been this way. I had no plans, hopes, or desire to be anything else than the small town girl who went to the local university, met a boy, started a family, and worked as a teacher in my former high school.

Instead, I applied to a prestigious University, got in and went, I graduated and moved closer to home to be around my sister, find a job and start living life. I partied had my fund and then decided to go back to school for free, got another degree. I then met the boy I thought was the one and started making plans... but then I had my heart broken. It has been a long year and a half since then ... and the realization that he never wanted to get married has finally settled in, so again God is pushing me in a new direction. Pushing me away from my comfortable bubble toward this amazing opportunity.

It is far from my family, friends, and him. It will require complete focus on my career and education. It will be hard, but like going to school it will be a personal and professional advancement independent of everyone else. I am not scared (but then am), and I think I could do it (besides mom, aunties, and uncles would be along to visit, I am just the excuse to travel so I hope not to be alone too long).

In the end it is one of those opportunities you have to try for if you have the chance. I figure I will never be any less attached or obligated than I am now... I'll have to stop holding back, hoping, and waiting.

But I can't help but move forward with a heavy heart because of the dream I am leaving behind.

A dream I carried with me for so long... it hurts to let go.

Homework and procrastination

2009-01-05T16:47:00.002-07:00

So I am going to pay! I procrastinated for three weeks instead of getting my homework done, I enjoyed vacation.

Well, it is going to be time to pay... not because of the homework I have to do for my class... but because I have a whole lot of grading to do the next couple of weeks for the class I am teaching. I am so dumb. Why do I procrastinate so much?

Wish me luck. I may try to get it done tonight... but probably not.

Too Lazy

2009-01-03T21:55:00.003-07:00

So much for trying not to be so lazy this year. I set my alarm to get up, instead I ignored it. I got up and instead of doing homework and taking down Christmas decorations I sat on the couch and watched football at my sister's house. I get home, instead of doing homework, I make tea and play on the Internet.

The only productive thing I did today was do my filing. Ugh, what am I going to do with myself?

A day

2009-01-02T10:01:00.002-07:00

You know those days you never want to end? Well, I was blessed enough to have one on the first day of the year. Though I was dreading New Years Eve, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Instead it was mellow and enjoyable.

However, it was waking up the next day that made me wish the day would never end. Everything was perfect... and not in the sense that it was perfect without flaws, mistakes, or imperfections. It was perfect because it is was a normal day with the people I love and care about surrounding me.

I got up late, I looked great after getting ready, I felt great (minus cramps).

I returned some clothes, didn't buy any new ones though there were amazing sales (good discipline).

Ate lunch, called my friends, and we wandered around trying to figure out what to do. We tried the movie but it was sold out... we were going to go bowling but found a 45 minute wait, so instead we went "home" to watch a movie. We split up so half of us could get stuff for root beer floats while the other half picked a movie. We got settled in, watched some funny stuff on YouTube, we laughed, we talked, we just were in the moment.

Some left to pick up the kids and walking them to the door and bidding them goodbye was almost too perfect. The singletons were left behind, but the night was so gorgeous (thanks to the 70 degree temps during the day) that we sat around the fire pit stargazing and talking. I don't think anyone wanted the day to end.

The music was turned up and absorbing the world around us was enough. I was so happy, I prayed it would never end... but the stars continued to make their way across the sky and sleep was to be had. It may be a long time before another day like that... but if things could be that "normal" on a regular basis, I think I would be in heaven.

Marriage

2008-12-30T11:33:00.005-07:00

What is it with me that I seem to attract men who are not interested in marriage. I always thought I was marriage material. All my mom's friends push to set me up with their sons, but these guys aren't interested in relationships their mom's just want them to be.

Then during my dating years... lots of nice guys some longer relationships... and yet none were interested in marriage.

Let's not even get into my broken engagement. The boy is delusional and I wish he would just admit that marriage was never in any of his future plans.

I guess it is my fault. I fall in love with the idea of who these guys could be. Optimism isn't usually a bad thing... but I think when you are a singleton... it is. Optimism in the wrong relationship means you hold on for too long.

You keep hoping... even when you have the evidence against you.

What is love anyway? What makes people decide to get married?

I am starting to think that love has less to do with marriage than people think. Instead we wander around meeting people, going out, and there are people you meet who become your best friends or life-long friends but you never marry because: "it isn't time," "I am too young," "there is so much I want to do before getting married," "the point of marriage is to have kids."

So marriage I think is about meeting a person you like who wants to get married when you want to get married. No amount of love will ever lead to a marriage if the timing is wrong.

So what... should it matter if you really love someone... I guess it shouldn't but in the end it does. Because even though there is love, if there is no future... is it really a realationship?

I don't think so. The sad fact is you are not together and it is not a relationship if there are no hopes or plans for the future. So are you just wasting your time?

Walking around Abu Dhabi - Sunday

2008-11-16T21:46:00.004-07:00

Waking up early in the morning I did what big sisters do and cleaned up for my sister just a little bit. Then I heded out the door by 9am, dropping off my sister's dry cleaning. I was determined to get the most out of my day so just kept going. I didn't really have too much of a plan but I figured walk around and find something to do.

Well, interesting enough, people do not wake up very early here. As I walked around, the streets seemed empty for the big city I am in. I also noticed the sidewalks were all wet. I was confused and just figured they "wash" the sidewalks each morning. (I later found out that I was lucky enough to be here for the very rare occasion that is actually rained.)

I decided to try out the Salons. I went to have my eyebrows and upper lip threaded. They look fantastic. It was the first time I had this done and it hurts less than waxing and I wasn't red at all. After some other maintenance that usually cost a lot of money back home... I was out of there for 100 dirhams (27 dollars) for all kinds of waxing.

After walking around a bit, I started taking some pictures. I took pictures of Dunkin Donuts and KFC. Then I saw Starbucks so I couldn't resist the urge to have a Starbuck's coffee halfway around the world. They didn't have the Chai Frapachino I like, and the menu was a littl abbreviated, but if you sat down at one of the tables inside, drank your coffee, and read a book, you would not know you were in a different country.

I walked all the way down to the Corniche. I took some pictures and met some nice men from the UK. They were funny because they were lost and asking me what to do. I told them about the mall and the Emirates Palace. They were just down for the day from Dubai. They were very nice. They even offered me a ride to the mall, however I met Tricia for lunch instead.

We went to this buffet where I tried a number of different foods. I didn't exactly like any of them, but it was intersting to try everything. I liked this Green sauce the best, even though it was vegetarian. I ate some mixed grill and lots of rice.

After lunch I was going to the Marina Mall. It was an adventure to get there. I had a Cabby tell me he wouldn't go there so I had to find another one who would. When I finally got there this mall is enormous. I don't think I am a fan of "HUGE" malls. You can't really enjoy shopping. There is too much to see. However, this place has a skating rink and a ski slope (both closed right now but soon to be open). The mall was three stories high (I only made it to two of the floors in three hours). Even though I explored the first two floors, I think I missed half of it and went in circles most of the time. I did find the Ikea where I bought my sister some things to make her place a little more like a home.

As I was sitting down to have some Baskin Robbins rainbow sherbert in one of the million cafes at the mall, my sister calls me to say her and her friends are meeting for dinner at 7:30pm. Well that left me about 45 minutes to find a shirt and get back to her place.

We went to dinner at this Thai restaurant at one of the hotels along the oceanside. It was a nice little place. The food was really good, however they have really really long dinners (3 hours)... just not my style, thus why I am not a "networking" kind of person like my sister. It was interesting though and when we got back, I was so tired I couldn't even stay awake to watch the football game on fox sports (Greenbay vs. Chicago).

Well, now that I have caught you up, I am going to take a shower and get going again. I am going to be about an hour later though.. Hopefully I will be out the door by 10AM.

23 hours and 7 minutes

2008-11-15T13:17:00.002-07:00

Arrived in Abu Dhabi, after 23 hours and 7 minutes in airports and on airplanes. It was an interesting trip. I met some interesting people who immigrated to the US and some other US citizens who wanted to discuss politics.

But I was on a vacation and escaping reality. Best of all I am here and I made it alive. I have my first stamp in my visa! Woo hoo! I am very excited. The trip was interesting, especially the landing in Frankfurt, Germany. There was only 500 meters of visibility, but on the plane you could barely see the end of the wing. We actually landed before anyone knew it. The flight attendant ran back to her seat after we had landed. :-)

Leaving Frankfurt was also an adventure. It was the first time I boarded a plane from the tarmat, which doesn't seem odd if it would be in the middle of the summer and the weather is nice, but it was 1 degree above freezing so that was weird. I was freezing coming from Phoenix. It was a good thing I bought a tourist sweathshirt in DC.

The flight to Abu Dhabi wasn't so bad I actually watched 3 movies on my way here. It was nice because the flight went fast, except that I couldn't keep my eyes open for "Get Smart." Maybe because it wasn't that good. Anyway, I got here, got my bag, my first stamp and headed out with my sister. A good day overall, because at the end a hug from my sister was wroth the 23 hours on planes and in airports.

Depressing

2008-09-09T07:45:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I received an email titled "Voted the best email of the year." Well, it was a depressing email. It shows how thankful we should be for all the things we have in our privileged lives living in an "advanced" nation. Things like running water, enough food, cars, clothes, shoes, etc. There were depressing pictures of emaciated children in the streets and plastic 2L bottles tied with bits of cloth for shoes.

Well, I know I have it easy. I know I have it better than most, and I am thankful for that. But, I think it is okay for us to be sad at times too and feel like life sucks at times. Just because we have a lot too, doesn't mean we are happy all the time. In fact, I think it increases the overall likelihood that "Americans" will be dissatisfied because we do so much social comparison and our society is focused on who has more instead of having enough.

Well, I am just sad this week. I think it is okay that I am feeling depressed, just for a little while because you can try to be a good person, give back, be nice, respectful, etc and bad things will still happen. Now "bad" depends on perspective, but everyone gets tired of dealing with life sometimes and bad can be breaking a nail or getting in a car accident.

So, I feel bad about those individuals in life who's plight is worse than mine... but I should be able to feel bad sometimes too just because I need to.

Dog sitting the nephew, Buddy

2008-08-24T21:00:00.006-07:00

Buddy came to visit me today. He is going to stay for most of the week, so now I have a reason to hurry home in the evenings. I bought him a couple of new toys and he was super happy. However, unknown to me, one of the toys had a squeaker in it. When there are squeakers in toys, Buddy makes it his personal mission to take it out within 5 minutes of getting the toy. Well, I think this one lasted 10 minutes because I took it away for a little while.

I think he still enjoys it though, you be the judge. Isn't he cute! I think he misses Tricia though.

Five Pounds

2008-08-11T23:00:00.002-07:00

Step on the scale day to day and everything is okay. My weight flucuates about 3 pounds on average, and I can lose five pounds. However, in reality it is really 2 pounds since it goes up and down by three.

What really bothers me is when you gain five pounds on top of the fluctuation... it takes forever to lose it, and then you can't lose anymore. That is why I am forever tying to lose 10 pounds. 10 pounds is really 5 pounds and allows for that +/- 3 pounds.

Well, I gained that five pounds this weekend. I guess that is what 12 Long Island Ice Teas, Pizza, and Hamburgers will do to you, or maybe it is just my own punishment for being weak when haning around the ex. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, I guess I'll start working out again and start another diet... I guess eating Nachos for dinner the last three nights hasn't helped either. Ugh! I hate being a girl that packs on the pounds for thinking about food. :-)

Sleeping in the whole bed

2008-08-10T16:07:00.002-07:00

I finally did it! I finally slept on my "whole" bed instead of one small corner. Last night I slept in the middle of the bed. My covers were all strewn about, and I actually had to make my bed instead of just fix it. I guess I am finally growing up. :-)

A compressed work week: four 10s

2008-08-08T00:14:00.002-07:00

Wondering why I am up at 12:15 AM on a Thursday evening. No I am not drunk, or just getting home, but it is hard to fall asleep when you didn't get up until almost noon. I am fortunate enough to be partaking in a "condensed" work week schedule so I have Thursday's off. Lucky for me, that I also have today off because I had some vacation time.

It was an interesting day. I got up, went to get my blood drawn, had a pedicure, came home to clean, take a nap, teach my workshop, do some homework, watch a movie, and now... I am up writing to my blog.

Unfortunately for me, I don't know if my bank account or my sanity will be able to sustain me having another day off. In theory, it is great to have another day off, to do whatever you want... but my life is so simple that I don't need extra time. In fact, time is my enemy now that I have no boyfriend, my sister is away for 3 months, all my friends work, and I am broke because I have a mortgage. Not a good combination. Well, I refuse to give up on the schedule because I know management is just looking for an excuse to take it away. I just have to stick it out, I will figure out a routine.

I really think I will either take on more classes to teach, start looking for a new job, or try to find a part-time job I can do no Thursdays and Saturdays. Any suggestions?

Missing my sis: Halfway around the world.

2008-08-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

Halfway around the world, in a place that is 12 hours ahead of my timezone is where my sister is. We no longer are roommates, but I really miss her all the same. We have only lived apart for about four months now, but it is odd to think she is so far away and it will be 3 months before we go shopping together or share a drink.

However, I am so proud of her. She is 24 years old and doing amazing things. She was always the one who could do anything and never needed anyone to tell her so. She is brave and so strong. I know she will be homesick, but it won't stop her from impressing everyone with her skill and personality.

It is a little scary though... she is in a part of the world that is not known for its equal treatment of women, but who knows, she may just change that thinking if only among her colleagues. :-)

Go Trish!

Stripper Pink nailpolish

2008-08-05T13:40:00.002-07:00

I was practicing some retail therapy and decided to buy some nail polish. I was trying to match the one that was chipped on my fingers to "fix-up" my manicure. I found a color that matched pretty well, but I guess the color I painted over "toned" it down because last night I took off all the nail polish and redid my nails. Well, my new color is what I call Stripper Pink. It is outrageous. I like it, but I feel like a stripper, prostitute, or something. It just goes "Pow! Look at me and guess what I do. "

It is almost an out of body sensation to watch my fingers on the keyboard, I am like, are those my hands. I will try to post a picture later.

Self-inflicted pain

2008-08-01T15:46:00.003-07:00

I know I do it to myself, and I brought it upon myself, but I broke my heart again. I found out yesterday that he "returned" the ring. I was going to offer to buy it to take it off his hands, so that I could have a memento... but I found out he returned it. So, me being the silly girl I am... I was devastated. To me, as long as that ring existed, as long as he kept it, there was a chance that he really meant it when he proposed. However, now that he took the ring back, he took everything back. He took back the promise he made and the love he supposedly had for me. He took it back. I feel like an 8-year old and want to scream "no take backs!"

I just kept repeating to myself... he took it back, he took it back. He took it back. I am so jealous that he could just "take back" all those promises and all those feelings. That he could "return" it and now it never happened.

It is good though, because now it shows me that I was holding on to nothing, especially since he lied to me a couple months ago when I asked him if he ever took the ring back. He didn't tell me then, when we were trying to work things out... that he had already "taken it back" and he wasn't holding on to any promise.

That is me, the naive girl... the one who hopes until there is no hope left. Maybe now, this is enough proof that there is no hope.

365 days and not long enough

2008-07-23T11:30:00.003-07:00

Today is 365 days since my broken engagement. A whole year, but it isn't long enough to forget the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation I felt and still feel.

I keep wondering how long it will take to just forget about it all and not care. It is amazing how we can be so happy one moment in life and then so broken and desperate the next.

I guess it is meant to be a reminder that happiness is fleeting and only a moment long because there is reality.

The worst part of it all, is that 365 days later I still hope. I still hope that he will change his mind... that one day we will be together, sharing our lives with each other.

I guess reality will set in soon and hope will fade eventually... I just need to let my mind win out over my heart by beating it into submission with numbers.

365 days since the broken engagement.
about 75 days since we were alone together.
about 65 days since he called me.
about 25 days since we saw each other.

but on the other hand...

I have thought about him every morning and every night for the past 365 days
I have called him too many times over the last 65 days.
It has been 36 hours since I last cried about not being together.

I guess the reason it is so hard for me is because I am the one still in love and he isn't. It is harder when you get dumped because you never wanted to let go and you can't figure out the "why". It should be easy right, because he wasn't the "one" or I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me but... I promised to love him forever (even though it was over a stupid bratwurst), I meant it. So I am stuck with forever until I can convince my heart that forever is over.

Now it has been less than an hour since I cried...

The long drive home

2008-07-21T23:00:00.002-07:00

The long drive home was painful tonight. I don't know why only one thing was on my mind.

The evening was nice, I didn't have a bad time. The food was good, the conversation good, the company was good, the movie was good... so overall it was a good time right. However, the drive home didn't feel that "good."

I couldn't shake it, I can never shake it. I have been trying to "shake" it for months now. I have "faked" being okay for a long time now, shouldn't it be easier by now?

All I could do on the way home was pray to God to make it all go away. Make it just go away. I am tired of waking of everyday and hoping... just let the hope be gone, at least then I will move on. In five days it will be one year... one long year. Can you believe a year ago today I was the happiest I ever was in my life. I had gradated with my Masters, found the person I wanted to spend my life with, and was going home to tell my family... Life was happy...

Well, I should know better by now, that once you reach the top, you only come crashing down. I don't think it is worth it to be happy, because then you are destined to be more unhappy than before.

Feeling the Baby in a Belly

2008-07-15T22:08:00.003-07:00

So there have been some pregnant women at work, at least 1 every six months... Well, I finally got the guts to "feel" the baby kick. It was so weird! It all (pregnancy) still kind of grosses me out. Sometimes I think I want to be a mom, but I definitely don't want the pregnancy.

As miraculous as some people find having a baby, it is as gross to me. Don't get me wrong, I think it is wondrous and amazing that so many things fall into place and a person comes about from the entire mess. But what a woman goes through, really did it have to be that hard?

Feeling the baby today was weird. I can't say I liked it, but it made it more real.

Eww... it still freaks me out! I still feel where the belly hit my hand, weird. Oh, so weird! I can't imagine how it feels being mom, feeling it on the inside and outside at the same time. I have nothing to compare it to; I can't even think of something that might be similar.

So I am not yet anxious about motherhood/pregnancy. Maybe when I find the right guy who tells me all the right things and helps me to see how special a piece of me and him together would be, then I will not be so weirded out by it. Maybe then I will endure the rest of the mess that comes along with a baby.

For now, I am single, don't want to let my body get that out of whack, can't imagine how ugly my vagina would be afterwards, and really don't want to work that hard (being a parent) the rest of my life right now. I mean, come on, I haven't seen the Louvre yet, nor spent a week on an exotic beach.

All I can say about parenthood is, not now, not yet, and maybe not ever... that is a lot of work. I would definately need to have someone who would be able to make it more wonderous than gross and it seems like those boys are hard to find.

My second "first date" was called a "meeting"

2008-07-12T21:25:00.002-07:00

I broke down and joined Match.com and have been talking to some people. Well I met someone tonight. He called it that, a "meeting." I guess it isn't exactly a date because you both go to meet, to see if you want to go out on a "date" by sizing each other up and deciding if it is worth it.

Well, this date went a lot better. I really enjoyed talking with him (much like the emails we had exchanged). It wasn't love at first site, and I didn't know in the first 5 minutes if he was the one... but given my history of "following" my gut, it is a good thing I don't know.

I definitely hope he calls so I can get to know him better. It didn't feel like a job interview, more like we were just talking about anything. It was nice. I miss that.

I know that more than sex, money, children, or anything else in a relationship, the most important things to me in a relationship are

1) intellectual stimulation (debates, learning, long conversations, ability to talk things out, agreeing to disagree)

2) physical contact/comfort (cuddling, making out, holding hands, being close)

3) becoming a part of each other lives (meeting family, building a life together, making each other a priority and/or a part of decisions)

Maybe I have lofty goals and high standards... but, I think these things are the most important to me. 2 and 3 are interchangeable, but number 1 is an absolute. I guess that is why I fall in love so hard, because it is hard to find, and when I find it, everything else goes out the window.

Saving the best for last: Does the way we eat have to do with our approach to life and our waistline?

2008-07-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Saving the best for last. When did we start putting conditions on how and what we eat. Do you save the best part of a burger for last?

Maybe my sister and I do something odd, but I find that when I am really enjoying something to eat, I save the best part for last.

I am starting to think this is a bad practice because then you eat more trying to get to the best part.

Most guys, at least that I notice, tend to eat the best part first. They don't save the best for last.

I am starting to think they have the right idea. If I ate the best part first, maybe I would eat less because I would get full and not want to keep eating because the best part is gone.

What do you think? Should I try eating my favorite part of pizza, sandwiches, meals overall first in the hopes of eating less and losing weight?

It sounds logical, but I have no scientific evidence for it.

27 years old and still sleeps with a Teddy Bear

2008-07-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Going home is usually a nice treat. It is mostly relaxing, and really I just find my state beautiful. The only part that is really hard for me is that I have difficulty sleeping. You would think I would be in heaven because the mountains where my mom and dad live is pitch dark (I am sensitive to light when I sleep) and it is so quiet.

The darkness and silence have been of little comfort this time around. I couldn't figure out why, but I think I know the answer now... I am missing my teddy bear, Bowser. I totally emptied my room at my parents house and have all my things at my new house in another state. This means that every stuffed animal was packed and shipped across the state line, so now I lay awake in bed with nothing to hug.

What makes me even more pathetic is that I am nearly 27 years old, and I can't sleep without my teddy bear. I wonder if it has gotten worse over the last month and a half. I never needed my bear when my boyfriend was sleeping with me, but now that he is gone it is the only comfort I have in my big empty bed at night.

So yes, I am almost 27 years old and I still sleep with a Teddy Bear. I don't think that is something I should mention on a first date, do you?

My first "First Date" in a really long time...

2008-06-30T10:06:00.001-07:00

Three years ago I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and I nearly did when he proposed. However, the engagement was short-lived as he decided he couldn't do it. So I had my 7 minutes in heaven and then came crashing down.

Now nearly a year since the engagement ended, I went on my first date in a really long time (almost 3 years). I never really liked dating. Juggling multiple guys, the superficial phone conversations, and the expense of "going out" all the time whether to meet new guys or to hang out with a certain guy. However, I have to say that I like dating even less now.

Dating in your late 20s is very different from dating in your teens and early 20s. In your early 20s it is all about fun and just hanging out. Things don't have to really have a point, a future, a reason. Just, I like this person, we have fun when we hang out... let's hang out until it isn't fun. However, when you are 27 and dating people who are the same age or a bit older, each meeting (date) feels more like a "job interview."

I think it is because by this age, most people have had their heart broken or enough life experienc to know what they don't want. Therefore, men and women sit there trying to figure out if the person sitting across the table will fit into their life.

This become more difficult because I think that by the late 20s so many people already have their "own" life. They are not necessarily interested in strating a new life with someone, more like continuing their life and just adding someone in to fill a void that exists. Both people have their own lives and like it already. Having someone there, will just add to it so you want to make sure they fit in and will change your life as little as possible. Maybe people are not interested in "growing" together, because the last time they tried that, they got burned.

I really don't know. But it definately makes for a stressful first date. So things didn't go perfectly, he or she didn't say all the right things... does that mean you don't want to get to know the person at all, because you don't want to waste your time? For many people, I think the answer to that question is yes.

It is unfortunate because it makes me wonder what people are potential friends that get passed up because they don't fit the mold. Obviously you had enough in common to hangout at least once. Maybe there is no "Chemistry," but there is good conversation and shared interests that you could build a friendship on. And if you believe things happen for a reason, maybe meeting this person and becoming their friend will lead you to find the "one" you are supposed to be with.

So... I went on my first date. I guess you can tell it wasn't a roaring success. I didn't think it was a failure either, but it didn't make me feel very confident. In fact I had a dream, I was dating someone, and I was having a good time. My girlfriend turned to me and asked me, "are you in love?" And maybe as a sign that I am mending a broken heart, I said, "No, but since I can't marry for love (the ex-fiance), may as well marry for money." Needless to say, I woke up feeling guilty and depressed.

Maybe the not so stellar first date, and the dreams are trying to tell me that I am still in love and therefore need to fall out of love, before I can start my own "interviews" for the person I want to be with. I guess I still know the person I want to be with and have to let go of that. I thought I had let go, but I should know better I don't let go of people I love very easily.

In the end I think I was hoping I could capitalize on the concept of the "self-fulfilling prophecy" I learned about in Psych class. If I pretend to be okay, and pretend that I am ready to move on, it will become true and I will be okay and will move on. I guess I just need to fake it awhile longer.

Proof I am a hopeless romantic...

2008-06-29T15:41:00.002-07:00

I think that those women who find a man who says, "I want a little girl, just like you" are truly lucky.

That single line to me, if only a line, would make me feel more special than anything else in the world. Now, I don't want a little girl just like me... I know I am not perfect. But it seems like a guy who says this thinks you are perfect... because he wants a mini you. :-)

It makes me melt, because in so many ways it means he loves you that much.

It doesn't make sense, but... well I don't know, in my head it does make sense.

Feeling Blue

2008-06-27T12:33:00.003-07:00

You know those days where there isn't anything more wrong than usual, but you just feel sad. Maybe I am the only one who has those days, but today is one of them.

I keep telling myself to be happy, it is Friday, there is Happy Hour, but then I start to think of after that...

I will probably go watch a movie alone, because I don't have a special person to be with...
And even though I have lots of invites for Saturday night, I don't want to go. Not because I don't have fun while there, but because I feel so empty when it is time to go home.

I think it feels empty afterwards because it really sets in that there is no one waiting, no one wanting you. If you never make it home that night, no one will notice for a few days until you don't answer the phone. There is no witness to your life. No one to tell you had a good time and wished they were there...

I know you are supposed to be happy on your own and I am... but at the same time life feels empty. I am so cheesy, have you see that movie "Shall we Dance" with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandan? Well, I think Susan Sarandan's character says something I couldn't agree to more... part of marriage is about having a "witness to your life." Being with someone is partially agreeing to care about all the little things that happen in each other lives. I guess I feel empty because I am doing good things with my life, and there isn't "a special person" I have to witness my life. All of my life, even the parts you don't share with family or just friends.

So, I am have the blues today... I wish the day was over.

Garden update

2008-06-23T22:35:00.002-07:00

Growing a garden when the temperatures are 110+ degrees outside is very challenging, especially when it is a vegetable garden. It has been over 14 days and everything is still "alive." In fact, my garlic just broke ground yesterday! I was very excited!

Unfortunately, my tomato plants are not doing very well. Well, I bought another one today and planted it. We will see if the new combination of soil and location within the garden helps it flourish.

Wish me luck!

Make it stop...

2008-06-21T22:36:00.003-07:00

Do you ever get something stuck in your head and you just can't put it out of your mind? Ugh, it is so aggravating. It seems that the more you try not to think about something, the more you do.

I think this is particularly true when you make a mistake. When I make a mistake, it seems it is all I can think about. I know that I think of at least a million ways things could have gone differently.

Well, I made a big one about a month ago, and it is still haunting me... However, it wasn't entirely within my control. Some mistakes depend not only on you, but on other people too...

I guess that is part of the mistake, giving someone else the ability to make the decision. I really really wish I could make it stop, make my mind stop thinking about it. It is weird, I am not depressed or sad, I haven't even cried much over this mistake... I guess because I know it was my fault so I can only be mad at myself. I haven't cried much because there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation. It is entirely up to others to allow me to make things right. However, I don't think they want that to happen.

Therefore, there is no reason to cry, and only the need to move on. But moving on from a mistake you made, is hard. I guess you have to make yourself accept what everyone tell you...
"Things happen for a reason" and "It takes time." Unfortunately, I have never been a patient person. Especially, with myself.

Dating and being social take so much effort...

2008-06-21T17:00:00.002-07:00

Monday - grading papers
Tuesday - Work late, grocery shopping
Wednesday - Salsa dance lessons and Softball
Thursday - Movies
Friday - Happy Hour, home watching TV with a bottle of wine
Saturday - Date?
Sunday - Hang out with the girls, recover from the week?

This was my week looks like. Every night I did not go to bed before midnight...

I don't know what tonight is going to hold, a date maybe? I like being busy and having fun, doing new things... but it is so expensive. I think I need to pick up a "third" job aside from my teaching. Keeping a schedule like this to minimize the amount of time you have to think takes so much effort.

Aside from all that, it has never been my preferred way of living. I like going out and meeting new people, but my personality is more of a homebody. I like relaxed, small groups. I like groups where I don't have to make small talk and won't be thought that I am a "stick in the mud" because I don't want to do something.

Oh well... I guess we can't have what we want... instead you have to deal with what you are given, oh excuse me "blessed" with. I still think it is God's cruel joke. Some people only get so close to happiness and their dreams coming true... then they get the pain of watching it all slip away. Hope is a cruel thing. It is the curse of the optimistic. I hope that it is all happening for a reason.

HH (Happy Hour) and Friday Night

2008-06-20T22:18:00.002-07:00

So I love my peeps from work... they are a good group. We go to HH early in the evening so we can all get home at a decent hour (since some of them live like 60 miles away).

I like hanging out with them... but it leaves me, as the only singleton in the group, hanging on a Friday night...

I am getting to a desperate point.

I feel like such a bitch since there are 4 guys I am talking to and only want one I am not with and can't have. Damn it, I hate being single.

So my Friday nights = me alone watching TV and downing a bottle of wine so that I will whine as I blog and then eventually pass out...

t-minus 2.5 years... come on real estate market... rebound so I can get the heck out of here.

La Luna - The Moon

2008-06-18T22:04:00.004-07:00

So since it is summer solstice I guess the moon was supposed to look exceptionally large upon rising. This is known as the "moon effect" where it appears larger on the horizon vs. when it is at its peak in the sky.

I will say, it did look awesome! It was a big beautiful orange circle in the low sky... granted it was probably orange from pollution, but it was cool.

I have a weird obsession with the moon. I feel like the moon is one of those things that connects everything to everything else in the world. Two people looking at the moon in completely different places in the world, see the same thing.

I feel like the moon is calm and constant. I find it comforting. I even used to talk to the moon as a kid, like it was halfway to God or something. I didn't need God's attention, because I just wanted to talk and daydream... the moon was always a good listener and if there was something important, the man in the moon would put a good word in for me.

Crazy... I know, but it was comforting particularly when you are young and feel misunderstood and alone.

Good night moon. Until tomorrow.

You need to stop hanging out with your "ex's" friends

2008-06-17T23:57:00.002-07:00

That is what my sister told me. It took everything in me to not yell at her.

What she neglects to realize is that hey aer my Friends too. I want her to think about how easy it would be to never see her friends again if they all decided to stay friends with her boyfriend. Really...

I mean come on, after three years is is so easy to just find new friends and move on from all your old friends too. Especially when they are more than friends, they are like family.

Additionally, we are not all blessed with the ability to make friends easily and become the center of attention and someone everyone wants to know and hang out with.

That has never been me. After 20+ years of being my sister, I would think she would know this about me.

Tired

2008-06-17T23:37:00.002-07:00

Sit still for a minute. Just sit... sit on the couch or on the floor. Sit back... don't think just sit. It is easier to do this when you are exhausted.

Your mind will actually be blank and you don't think about anything. I think this is why when people are stressed they don't sleep... it is the bodies way of forcing to a state where they can no longer think.

I am trying it... thus I am staying up until midnight every night and get up at 5am. :-) I think I am going to crash later this week... but it will be okay. It helped me get through the week.

Jealous, envious, social climber

2008-06-16T19:17:00.004-07:00

I've decided that I am not much more than a jealous, envious, social climber. It seems that everyone around me is getting married, and found the one. That is great, right? I should be happy for them, right? Instead, I am so bitter, jealous, and envious that it frustrates me.

I think I am a pretty good catch, so how come the one I love doesn't want to be with me. It makes me so jealous that so many girls find someone who wants to be with them, have babies, and deal with them everyday (because really girls, I think we are drama). Why don't I have someone chasing after me and waiting to tie me down and "claim" me as their prize?

I envy that they have someone, that they get to wear the dress, and have their families gaze at them and think of the wonder and happiness you feel, if only for that day because the rest of your life is going to be hard work trying to keep it all together.

So what makes me a social climber... well now that I am single, and I have been looking and have been hit on when I go out... no one is good enough. They just bug me. It is like they are so dumb. Your teeth are really white... you look hot... "what are you up to?" (Obviously I am here dancing, it is a club... )

I guess I just figure, since I can't marry for love (that didn't work out) I may as well marry for money, looks, or status. That makes me a social climber right?

So there you have it, I am jealous, envious and a social climber. I guess right now, I am nothing more than a bitch.

Guys, stay away... I am going to tell it to you like it is. If you aren't smooth, I am going to roll my eyes. If you are stupid, I'm not going to find it funny...I'm going to tell you. If you are inconsiderate, I will be too. I'm not going to make you feel good about yourself if you don't deserve it. Forget that, that is all I tried to do... and the second I stopped cuz I was tired and wanted someone to help me feel good about myself... he left.

I don't have time to waste anymore. I did enough of that. So, I am going to be alone and bitter for awhile... thus making me more jealous, envious, and mean. Then I will get older, and meaner, and eventually will have to accept, I am going to be the mean old crazy cat lady.

Damn it, I knew I should have been a nun!

Too many websites

2008-06-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

So I am sick of it... I have a myspace page with picture albums, a facebook page with picture albums , a gmail account with picasa albums, why can't it all be connected and in one place. I get lazy and don't update everything or never figure out how it actually works... and then then I fee guilty because everyone doesn't get to see the same thing! Come on technology, make it easy! I am not for monopolies, but it would be nice in this case so that I could keep in touch with everyone more efficiently, isn't that what the Internet is supposed to do, increase efficiency and access to information?

What is the big deal about flashing? I don't get the big deal about boobs.

2008-06-15T22:58:00.003-07:00

Why do girls get naked? Why flash people? I don't get it... Even when I am drunk at parties and body shots are involved, I can't imagine taking of my shirt to "flash" people. I would maybe do it if I was sober and there was a reason for doing it, getting paid, winning a bet, being able to make a conscious decision so no one can hold it over my head.

I might even do it more often if I had some stellar looking fake ones... but I ain't got nothing. You know, in the end, maybe I am just jealous. Jealous that I don't have anything to flash with.

I always wonder what guys think of girls who flash everyone randomly and for no reason. Do you respect them? What if she is your girlfriend and she flashes all your friends? Does that mean you have the "Cool" girlfriend? Does that mean you are stud because you have a girl who shows everyone what she's got? What if she is the mother of your children and flashes random people while floating down the river... is it really that cool? I don't get.

Ladies, I want to hear what you have to say. Why do you flash? When do you flash? How do you feel after you know you have done so?

Guys, what do you think of girls who flash, your friends, in public? What do you think of your guy friend's long-term girlfriend who does that? Do you respect her? Do you respect these girls/women? Does it make a difference if she is drunk or sober? Does it make no influence?

I know I feel cheap and slutty after something stupid like that. I hate it even more if it happens while I am drunk because then people hold it over my head.

I hope I get a lot of persepctive about this incident. Do my opinions make me a prude?

Another busy weekend: floating down a river takes 5 hours

2008-06-15T22:33:00.002-07:00

Tubing on the Salt River is quite fun in AZ, particularly when it is 110 degrees outside. I went with a huge group. Going with a bunch of people is fun, but it gets out of hand. I think it is my fault because I am such a caretaker that it bugs me that no one is looking out for each other so only a couple of people end up running around making any sense.

I like a small group, like 4-10. Yeah you may not have the envy factor of people wishing they were part of your group, but you don't end up being suckered into giving away free beer, dealing with overly drunk people.

I am not lonely...

2008-06-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

When people end a long-term relationship everyone assumes they are lonely and that is why they want their old relationship back. I disagree. I have been accused of being lonely.

I really am not lonely. I don't mind being at my house alone, and when I am single I am always 10 times busier and more social than when I have a relationship. If I was so lonely, I could find someone tomorrow to sleep with, watch a movie with, eat dinner with, etc.

It isn't that I am lonely, it is that I miss him.

I miss the conversations with him, I miss his smile, I miss his annoying habits and traits. I miss hearing about his day and telling him about mine. I miss his horrible movie choices and how neither one of us would pick a place to eat.

I will admit it was really hard work and exhausting. Working around his schedule... all the driving... and it sucked that I only had a weekend with him when I took off work and he happened to have "flex time" he had to use. It still bothered me that he didn't give me a key, or he never offered a drawer for me to keep my stuff in, or gave me a toothbrush again (he did once). Yeah he doesn't ever buy me flowers... but 99% of guys don't buy flowers.

However, the conversations, cuddling, and pleasure of being with him was and is something I still wish I could have everyday.

Guys listen, girls love flowers...

2008-06-12T22:31:00.001-07:00

Quick hint guys... girls love flowers. Buy them regularly. They are just as special on a regular basis as they are on a special occasion. Actually, they are more special on a semi-regular basis, because it shows a girl that your really care about her and want everyone to know. It stakes your claim. Okay, I shouldn't say that "Every" girl loves flowers... but do it for awhile, especially if she ever gets mad, just buy flowers and see how it goes. Don't just get flowers when she gets mad... but regularly because then if you get them when she gets mad, they aren't a bribe, just a reassurance that even though things suck or aren't going well right now, I still love you and you are worth it. It says that even when I don't feel like it, I am still here and not going anywhere.

Ladies, if I am wrong... please give me more perspective because it does this for me.

When Hope is a Bad thing

2008-06-12T11:35:00.004-07:00

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Well, I would say that 75% of myself knows that if I were to try and work things out with my "ex" it would be insane according to Einstein. However, that last 25% continues to hope that things will be different. Part of me hopes that things will change, he will want to get married and "share" a life together. Or maybe I will learn to deal with it and accept things the way they are and be happy.

This is when Hope is a bad thing. Hope clouds your judgment because you focus on what "might" be. You focus on what you want things to be like instead of really working on evaluating what they are. I have always had high expectations of people, because I see their potential. I guess this clouds my judgment of what they are.

This is why I think I am destined to one day be a teacher or a preacher/nun (yeah right!).

Kids need people who think they have endless potential because they can continue to grow... I guess adults don't always want to keep growing.

Parading around in my underwear

2008-06-10T22:14:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I have found something else I can do and like now that I have my own house. I can walk around my house in underwear and a t-shirt and not feel self-conscious or embarrassed.

I think it is boosting my self-confidence. You should so try. Even you guys. I think it is good for the ego.

Now, I don't look like a Victoria Secret supermodel, but I might prance a little bit pretending I do. :-p

I think in my head, "This is you! Enjoy it!"

What do single women do?

2008-06-09T18:02:00.002-07:00

It dawned upon me today, that I don't know what to do with my life since I don't have a boyfriend, and don't see any hope of one on the horizen with any kind of long-term potential... what the hell do single women do?

Things I have going for me:
- pretty good catch
- not fat
- financially stable
- two degrees
- good job
- nice, kind, caring
- loyal (maybe too loyal)
- likes to try new things

Things I have going against me:
- don't have a group of girlfriends to hang out with and meet people (I am worse off than Carrie of Sex in the City.)
- don't really like meeting new people
- don't really like being social, I am shy and am not good at small talk
- I am kinda picky about my friends, need people who like to continue growing
- have two degrees
- financially stable, but don't have money to throw away going out
- don't have enough money to travel alone, don't have anyone to travel with.
- don't like doing things alone

So... what does a single 26 year old woman with these qualities do? I don't fit in anywhere do I?

My garden

2008-06-07T18:57:00.003-07:00

There was more clay than dirt when I planted my garden today. I planted tomatoes, green chili, jalapenos, and onions. There is no soil here in the desert.

I am not sure what will kill my garden first... the clay choking their roots or the sun baking their leaves in the 110 degree heat.

However, I had to try. I wanted something to take care since there are no people around and I am not ready for a dog.

This way, if my garden thrives, my hard work with the pick, shovel, and hoe will have paid off. I hope I got a tan and I slaved away in a bathing suit top. However, I don't think I helped my cold/ear infection very much. I am exhausted now.

Well, if all my plants die, at least I got rid of those two random pieces of sod in my backyard. :-)

Ice Cream for Breakfast

2008-06-07T08:41:00.002-07:00

I was too lazy to cook this morning and I didn't have milk for cereal so, I ate ice cream for breakfast. It was pretty good, Chocolate Chip right out of the carton. I didn't even dirty a dish other than my spoon. Maybe there are some perks to living alone and not having to share my ice cream with anyone.

:-)

Given up on true love: I want a husband

2008-06-06T17:44:00.004-07:00

There was a survey cited on TV that indicated that more men are remaining lifelong bachelors. According to this survey...

"Eight percent who never want to marry, 62 percent want to marry, but half of them won't settle for less than perfection and about 30 percent who are on the fence." (http://www.ksdk.com/includes/tools/print.aspx?storyid=147538).

All I can say is, GUYS GET OVER IT! Women have been settling for less than perfection for centuries. Marriage isn't perfect. It is hard, and sucks at times. It is work everyday, and there are going to be more times than you want that you wonder if it is worth it. Both sides will wonder this. Marriage is what makes you work through it because your life is better with that person in it. That person makes you want to be better (most of the time). That person makes you happy (most of the time). That person is who you want to talk to or see everyday, when you are happy. It is really about what your life would lack without that person in it.

Perfection? Whatever, get over yourselves. It is because of this stupid survey and stupid men who are afraid to work that hard that I really have given up on "love". With odds like that... women again have to settle for someone who wants to be a husband. So... here it is. I have given up on "true" love, I want a husband, I want "real" love.

The movies alone

2008-06-06T14:57:00.002-07:00

So, before my break-up I told my significant other that I wanted to see "Iron Man." He didn't want to see it but said he would take me. I didn't want to make him, but now I wish I had because I still haven't seen the movie.

I wish I had a date tonight to go see it. I think I am going to act like my mom and just go by myself.

How depressing, I am 26, single, and have to see movies alone.

Do yout think going to a movie alone on a Friday night is more depressing?
Or spending a Friday night at home alone because you don't have a date?

I wanted to call...

2008-06-05T22:22:00.004-07:00

So I really really really wanted to call the "ex" today. I wanted to tell him, that Sonic has $0.99 cent shakes. He loves icecream, and he LOVES shakes.

Unfortunately, I still think of those little things.

However, I was STRONG! I didn't call him! :-)

Dare I say "Progress?"

8 hours on the couch

2008-06-05T16:00:00.001-07:00

So it was Tuesday... I went to the Doctor and found out I have an ear infection. I started driving to work after picking up my prescription, and was talking to my mom. Before I knew it, I was crying. Don't ask me why. It has to be a combination of being sick, depressed, and tired, so I decided to call in and go home.

Well, there I was sitting on my couch. I was there at least 8 hours. I slept a little, ate a little, had lots of water, a full bottle of cranberry juice, and caught up on 6 episodes of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy.

Did you know it is possible to spend 8 hours on a couch? I am so glad my Aunt and Uncle got me a house warming gift. I am definitely using it.

Oh, I wish I was back on my couch. However, today I would definitely do more sleeping than anything else.

So tired... I don't even want to breath.

2008-06-05T11:12:00.002-07:00

Have you ever been so drained and tired that breathing seems to take effort? I find myself holding my breath for extended periods of time so that it isn't so much constant effort. Then I take a few deep breaths and start again.

It is almost like I have to force myself to breath. Do you think this is from my ear infection/sinus infection? Or do you think I am depressed and life it just tiring...

If we all had friends like this..

2008-06-04T14:43:00.001-07:00

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/16479379/detail.html

How do grown-ups get ear infections?

2008-06-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it turns out this "cold" I have (my first one is 3 years) is technically an ear infection with the beginnings of a sinus infection.

What!?! The last time I had an ear infection, I was like 10 and I remember taking pink bubblegum tasting amoxicillin.

Unfortunately, no pink amoxicillin this time. Instead I was given a big bottle of horse sized pills to take for the next 10 days, a stuffy ear, and exhaustion. (I don't remember an ear infection making me this tired before.)

But man oh man... I used to love that amoxicillin... maybe next time I will ask for it. That is, if I ever get an ear infection again. Seriously, we never grow up.

He's just not that into you - the movie

2008-06-03T23:59:00.001-07:00

So like nearly have the female population in America, I went to see the Sex in the City movie this weekend. It was a ton of fun. I laughed, I cried, because I am a girl and the story line so nearly mirrored my own... however, the movie had closure (I don't want to give any spoilers). My own story had closure as well... but it isn't the same in real life.

Anyway, the important part, there is going to be a movie based on the book "He's just not that into you.' I am way excited, and will have to see it. Not a moment too soon. :-)

My bible... time to find it again.

One plate... one glass... one person.

2008-06-03T20:24:00.004-07:00

So my mom and I got in a debate...

I am pretty successful; I have a degree (2 of them), I have a good job, I have my own house...but I just had a bad break-up (I seem to have those). The one part of my life I am no good at... is my personal life.

I have friends, and I don't think people hate hanging out with me. I just can't seem to get the guy thing down...

Therefore, my new house is a little depressing; each night, there is one plate, one glass, one person.

My mom said, she would trade me lives in an instant. She implied that husbands and marriage are so hard and unrewarding, to which I countered, yeah but forgetting to eat because you don't want to see one plate and one glass is depressing. I guess we can't see each other's perspective. I haven't been married for 25 years, but she's never been single and living alone. Besides, I think after being in a relationship for 3 years, the ups and downs, and the fighting tooth and nail to stay together, was pretty much marriage... he just didn't have the guts to show up to a ceremony.

Zip cars

2008-06-02T22:15:00.002-07:00

I just heard on your local news there is a new concept being marketed as an alternative to owning a car. It was called "Zip Cars" in tempe.

It looks pretty cool, and you can even get fancier cars for special events.

You can read more about it here: https://www.zipcar.com/z2b/contact/

What do you think? Is it a good idea?

I don't know how to use a spoon.

2008-06-02T12:34:00.002-07:00

Okay, since I no longer have my partner to tell these odd ideas that pop into my head you all get to hear them and I get to pretend to listen.

I realized today that I don't know how to really use a spoon. I mean I do, but I hate the way it is designed. If you use a spoon the right way, it is pretty hard to get all of the food off without biting down on the spoon or something else (which I haven't quite figured out).

However, I hate biting on silverware. When people's teeth slide across the silverware, it is worse than nails on a chalkboard in my opinion.

I suddenly realized today, that I never really thought about it, but I tend to use a spoon backwards! Particularly for substances that are sticky like ice cream, yogurt, oatmeal, and peanut butter (yes, I eat it out of the jar, sometimes).

It is so much easier to lick off the all of the food and for some reason it just feels like the spoon fits your mouth better.

Pay attention next time you eat sticky stuff off a spoon. Do you keep the spoon up and down as you would when you are scooping up soup? Or do you rotate the handle downward so that the spoon's underside is facing the roof of your mouth and back of your front teeth so it is like a lollipop?

With patience and preserverance you will get what you want

2008-06-01T20:57:00.002-07:00

This is an update on the passport rant I had ever so long ago. Well, 22 months later, my mom finally has a passport. We don't know why, since they essentially told her she was a stolen Mexican baby so she wouldn't get a passport (though this was completely false).

However, she has it. We better head across the boarder soon to make sure it works. :-)

A new beginning

2008-06-01T20:37:00.002-07:00

Once again I try to make a new start to life. Funny thing is, I start it with a cold. I haven't been sick in at least 3 years. I forgot how miserable it is.

I am starting to think that I need to change the name of my blog, because I am not sure I have really learned many lessons in life. I tend to make the same mistakes over and over. I wonder if many are destined to repeat their mistakes because it is something more innated and ingrained in our personalities.

How many times does it take until you learn your lesson?

I am tired now. Good night.

Moving on...

2008-06-01T02:35:00.000-07:00

I hate moving on. I hate it because you have to leave something behind and in doing so you leave a piece of you, a piece of your innocence behind as well. You usually leave those things you fight so desparately to keep behind... There are going to be a lot of changes in my life. I avoided them for some time, holding on and hoping. However, I think I secretly knew that it was all a pipe dream.

I think more than anything, moving on is just emotionally taxing. It is something you have to do, even though you don't want to and that is what makes it so tiring.

I think that is why I hate dating. Why most people hate working. Why death is so hard, and rejection the worst. The less control you have... the less choice you have... the harder it is to do, even when necessary. But you step forward. You just have to do it... you just have to do it. And with time, you just do it without thinking about it... you just keep moving and eventually forget where you were until you take the time to think about it. Yeah, you just have to do it. It is time for me to just do it. I already took one step. Tomorrow will be another. And right now, I can't think past that.

Help with getting a passport!

2008-01-14T17:32:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone I am so excited! I have a passport! I just got it in the mail! I am going to see the world now! I can't wait to go to Cancun, Belize, Italy, France, Australia, Africa, and on and on. I have to save the money to go though. That is the hardest part. :-) The ironic thing is, my mom has been trying for over a year now to get her passport and they have asked for additional documentation four times. Unfortunately she was born in a rural part of New Mexico, back in the day when babies were born at home with a midwife on a ranch, especially if you poor and unmarried. Therefore, her birth certificate was not filed until after she was born. The passport office doesn't like this and they are asking for "medical records" proving her birth. It doesn't make sense, because there aren't any. She has sent everything else under the sun and they are refusing to accept it as proof of her citizenship. I don't know how or why when she is nearly 50 years old, lived in this country the entire time, been married to my father for 25 years, has a military ID, had high-level security clearance at a government lab, three kids, 6 brothers and sisters who have passports and were born here. It is so unfortunate that a working class American can't get a passport now that she has time and may be able to afford to travel abroad after putting two kids through college, and now putting another one through college. It is our fault our family was first located in this family as the conquistadors that came from Spain. It is our fault they took residence in Northern New Mexico with an original land grant from Spain. It is our fault that our family was Mexican 500 years ago because of where the boarders existed. It is our fault the boarder moved and our family became American. It is our fault that with time that land grant died out and we became a family of ranchers. It is our fault that we come from a poor ranching family that would go north to Colorado to find work and make money. It is our fault, we had mid-wives and curanderas. It is our fault we couldn't afford doctors. It is our fault we couldn't pay for passports before approaching retirement. It is our fault that as working class Americans, you can't afford the luxury of traveling abroad until retirement. It is our fault we spend money on education, food, and housing instead of on documents that aren't needed until you want to take a trip. I blame it on the increased security measures taken to "protect" our country. The problem is, my mom is already here. She has been here the last almost 50 years. I don't see how every other entity can accept her citizenship, recognize her citizenship. Who are we really protecting. My mom is stuck in this country as an American. She is being denied the privileges of other American citizens. It makes me wonder if it wouldn't be easier for her to become a "naturalized" citizen since obviously the proof, the history of the region, and whatever documents she has provided are determined to not be enough. What is going to be enough, I guess maybe she should just get a fake birth certificate like the countless illegal immigrants in this country. It is crazy to think of breaking the law to be awarded the rights you are supposedly granted as an American Citizen. It is so frustrating. I wish I knew how to help her! All my mom has dreamed of is going to Rome, to see the Basilica where the pope lives. She promised her mom she would make the pilgrimage since she never got to (she passed away last year). If anyone has any ideas, please point me in the right direction. The funny thing is, I don't think anyone can help because of the office of "homeland security". I hope i don't' get my mom in trouble because of this... they might try to deport her, but to where? She isn't from anywhere else? She was born here in the Great USofA. :-)

In love or Insane?

2007-11-08T09:18:00.002-07:00

I don't know what to do anymore. Last week I felt so broken and frustated and like I had had enough. That I didn't even care anymore if he was there or not and I was going to move on for me! It was the first time I truly couldn't cry about it anymore, and that made me feel weird because maybe it all didn't matter anymore and I didn't love him anymore. I wasn't even mad, I was just done. I just felt like I didn't have anymore of me to give. I was tired of fighting for something that was becoming more and more clear that it would never be...

The Best Night of My Life

2007-10-31T16:34:00.001-07:00

So a lot of shit has happened over the last few months. Things have been great, they have been horrible, they have been perfect, they have been pathetic. Things have been okay and then I didn't know how to feel about them. In the end it all doesn't matter and balances out, and most of the time you end up somewhere in the middle. Looking back at the mess that has been my life since April I realize that it was a good time in my life. I learned a lot and experienced a lot. I hope I have grown from it and come out a better person and a different person. And now I am ready to move on in a new direction. I have realized that sometimes no matter how bad you want something you have to accept you can't have it sometimes, but sometimes you will have it for a moment. Looking back at this mess, one night stood out more than any other. One night I will try to remember forever because it was sweet and set fate into motion that lead me to where I am now. One night... What was so special about it was that night I knew I was wanted. That night I knew he would do anything for me and was reminded of all the reasons I fell in love with him and still loved him. He went out of his way for me. He were trying to find out about what I wanted for an engagement ring because he wanted to make me happy... That night, was probably the best night of my life, because though I tried not to, I dared to hope again, and fell in love all over again. So through this entire mess, I held on to that night and no matter what happens in my life, I hope to hold on to that forever especially now that we are not together anymore.

A late night weekend...

2007-10-21T03:11:00.000-07:00

Whoa... I am getting too old for this stuff, and yet it is after 3 am and here I am wide awake and yet tired from the night before. I stayed up until 4am but at least then I had a reason to because of the great company. Well tonight I am listening to my dog snore and catching up on the shows I missed last week. I don't know what is wrong with my anymore. I am way too much of a night owl. Oh well, the hardest part is readjusting to the week and going to work in the morning on Monday. It's no big deal, I'll get used to it. I know that next week, I think I want to go dancing. I haven't been in a really long time, I am not sure I have any moves anymore... darn... just more proof that I am getting old. I better stop fooling myself, I can't "drop it like it's hot" anymore. :-)

phone conversations

2007-10-17T16:33:00.001-07:00

I think it is really funny how there are people you could spend hours on the phone with, even if you aren't really talking just kind of being there without physically being in the same space. But then there are other people you can't wait to get off the phone with or no matter how hard you try to extend the conversation it seems to just die! My dad and I are like that. I try to talk to him on the phone and will ramble on and on, but the second I stop... splat! You hear crickets 3,000 miles away. It is just funny. Do you have someone like that?

Home and back again...

2007-10-10T22:46:00.001-07:00

I went home again this past weekend, thus explaining my sudden disappearance from blogging. I went home for my brother's birthday and the balloon fiesta. I have been attending our state's hot air balloon event since I was essentially born. I love it. The best part was that fall was creeping across the fields and mountains in which I live. It was gorgeous. I have told everyone that we had the doors open all day on Sunday to let the cool breeze in; we spent all day in sweatshirts to enjoy the cool, crisp air. It was great, but now I am back. Back to the daily grind. My trip home, combined with my faculty training has been occupying a lot of my time. I am excited about faculty training for two reasons. One because I will actually be teaching, and teaching at the college level. The second reason is because it means extra money, which I could really really use right now. I wish I could find a nonchalant kick back weekend job that was inconsistent and flexible. I know it would help the weekends pass a lot faster.... well, more time... just more time. It is over.

A confession...

2007-10-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am excited that one of my posts is actually getting some comments, but I have to add some more information. So the day I called off work was on a Thursday. Well my ex-fiance and I went for a hike on Saturday. We drove up Friday, after I got off work, he picked me up and drove us up there (because he has the SUV). We slept in the back of the SUV and then hiked down the next day, Saturday. We had a really good conversation down at the bottom near the stream. Well, he called off work so we could do this hike. I had talked about it for like a month already... so I don't know what it means. Maybe we are just taking our time to say goodbye but I can't help but hope. However, I really know that if we are going to be together it probably won't be for some time, years at best. As always, only time will tell.

What a week

2007-09-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Last week was rather exhausting but I am proud of myself. I exercised a whole lot and I had a really good time going for a hike on Saturday. It was beautiful but there were a lot of people there. I will have to find another hike to go on that isn't quite so far. I was really lazy today and didn't get much of what I wanted to done. I watched a lot of football. Yeah, I know I am bad. However, I am determined to go for a jog today (ugh my calves are so sore). I am excited because I will start faculty training this week. It will be nice to start teaching. I hope I do a good job. :-) Well, a new week. Hope yours is off to a good start.

OMG, I did it again!!!

2007-09-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am such an idiot. I did it again. Oh, well I guess it is okay but it is a huge reality check and slap in the face to show me how dumb I am and how no matter how far I think I have come in 60 days, I am exactly where I was before those 60 days, at least internally.

Externally, the reality is my ex-fiance and I are NOT together. Externally we are NOT dating. He hasn't asked me out and taken me on a date like I said I needed or wanted. He has not initiated a phone call! He hasn't proved any of it... and it is because he still isn't sure and maybe doesn't want a relationship.

So, he has not done those things but what did I still do? I called in to take a day off work so we could hang out! I called in. I took off work. I did, me, seriously, what is wrong with me!?! What is wrong with me? I am really being a dumb girl. I am that girl... I am still doing anything to make it work, to make it easier, to be with him.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time and it felt so good and I miss him so much... but once again, it is me instigating it all... I am such a loser! I wish I had some backbone! What am I going to do? Ugh, I am frustrated with myself. Well I guess I just have to start over and hope I can change.

An early post

2007-09-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

I decided to write to my blog early today because... well I want to try to avoid the computer when I get home today. I have been obsessively checking my email today hoping for a response and I have been constantly checking my phone for missed calls. I just don't learn do I?

Anyway, I am also posting early because I am going to go for another "run" today. I am going to shoot for 2 miles. So far my fast run was 1.5 miles in 15 minutes and my slow run was 2 miles in 24 minutes. I am going to shoot for 2.5 miles today and I don't care how long it takes. :-)

Hopefully, I will be so tired after that I will just go home eat a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, lay down to watch the season premier of bionic woman and LIFE, read for 20 minutes, maybe catch the 10pm news, and then go to bed while I pray the rosary. Yeah that is now my life, at least tonight.

I am happy it is Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thursday I might just go to the drive-in movies or meet up with some people for a Thirsty Thursday. Then there is Friday, and I am determined to go out because I don't want to be home alone (I cancelled my trip to Mexico). Maybe I will find some company for the evening ;-) (yeah right, not going to do that).

Saturday is a mid-morning hike around 8am at Camelback (I have been looking forward to it all week!) to work out whatever demons I consumed on Friday night, plus a weekend visitor will arrive later that day. I am dog sitting. :-) Yeah, so if I get through tonight, my life will look a little more interesting. :-)

60 days

2007-09-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

Today is the 2 month anniversary of my "disengagement"... it feels as if it has been a painful eternity. Especially the last few days. I don't know how I am going to make it through another 480+ days. I guess it will get to a point where you just stop counting. Well, I wish it was not 60 days later, I wish it was 480 days later so that I would hopefully be at a point where I had stopped hoping, be at a point where I stopped counting, where I had just stop caring about it all. But who is to say that in 480 days I will feel that way. I guess I am hoping it is more likely.

2 days in a row

2007-09-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

I ran again today. I was much slower running two miles in 24 minutes... not good I know but hey for not running for three months, that isn't bad. :-) However, I do think that two days constitutes a streak. I am just not sure if I can do it again tomorrow thus ending the streak. Maybe I will. I have a feeling I am going to be pretty sore though. I am just happy I did it. Maybe tomorrow I will play golf... but playing golf when you are sore only ruins your game. Besides, I think I need to go to the driving range first, I haven't hit a ball all summer.

My new goals and the weekend's events

2007-09-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

I was excited to go for a run/jog today. It felt really good. I had a goal in mind and barely did it, but I did it. :-) I ran 1.5 miles in 15 minutes. I really want to work up to 2.0 miles in 16 minutes. That is an 8 minute mile. It has been awhile since I was able to do that. I am going to take this working out stuff seriously because the weather is getting nice enough again for me to do it. I hate gyms. I just can't stand them, the smell, the people, the atmosphere. It is just not me. I feel too incompetent at the gym.

Therefore, I created a 6 day a week workout plan for myself so that I have a ton of variety mixed in. It is taped up on the wall in my room to remind me to do something everyday. I can pick any of the routines and I am going to run after work now. I figure the best idea it to stop on the way home and run for 20 minutes.

I have another goal in mind. I really really want to lose 10 pounds. I have to buy a scale so I know how I am doing... so the goal is also to drop a pant size, at least. My big thing is the tummy. I know my butt is always going to be huge and my thighs are also a lost cause, but I want to keep my tummy (belly as my ex-fiance used to call it) as tiny as possible, especially now that I have a drinking partner again. :-)

It was a fun weekend, even if there is reality to return to on Monday and things that still need to be addressed. I am still uncertain if I am going to stay or go, but I am making sure my options are open and that I am actively looking all the time. I start faculty training this week so that will also slow things down and well, there is another test I may take which will require some time.

Staring with a co-worker happy hour was fun. The girls are funny and I was super excited that my new friend came along too. Greasy bar food is always the start to a terrific weekend. :-)

It is funny, this weekend one of the guys I talked to was a member of the "secret service" he showed me pictures of the president on the South Lawn and he was there too for some event. I'm like okay... this is weird, too bad for him I wasn't impressed. I don't trust men in uniform anymore if they are outside of their job duties. They then are just guys who will do or say anything to confuse you and lead a girl astray.

It was a good weekend. The hard part is, I know that the weekends that have been good, always included seeing my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie on Friday. So I don't know if knowing he is okay, alive, and just still there is what makes my life complete and okay to enjoy. Well, time will tell ,right?

No internet for two days

2007-09-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

So I didn't have interent for a few days so that is why I disappeared. All is good... just hanging out and getting ready to go out. I have some things I want to write about but they take more energy, thought, and time than I have right now. One is going to be a rant about debating TV ads on the senate floor and the other is going to be about the movie I saw last night, Resident Evil: Extinction. I just wanted to check in and continue to "expose" my life. It kind of sucks right now but all is good... it will get better.

Going Crazy!

2007-09-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Bored, paranoid, sad, scared... I think I am losing it quite literally. I am going out of my mind with the everything that is going on in life. I feel like a target. I went to the mall this evening because I didn't want to be home alone... but I felt so exposed. I feel so uncomfortable now. My heart was pounding so hard and my chest was so tight. I felt scared and for no reason. No one was following me. I am sure I looked suspicious because I was so paranoid and closed off. It is just so invasive to have a break-in and know that they have your information, already used it once, tried to use it again... and who knows what they are going to do with it next. It just sucks to know that they will continue to hurt you and you have to continue to be scared even after the "invasion" is over. You just don't know what to do.

A mess!

2007-09-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am such a mess. I can barely hold a conversation anymore without crying. The moment someone shows me compassion or sympathy, I lose it. Something is seriously wrong with me. I think it is partially the stinging truth my mom told me yesterday. She told me,now that I gave the ring back , he would probably disappear. Well, so far it looks like she was right. Perhaps he was only being nice and being my friend until he got it back.

Don't you hate it when moms are right. She also said, if you want it to work with him you have to really try again, but it can't just be from you. She knows that I am the one putting forth a lot of effort and not letting go. That I am the one who wants to try it again. Yesterday, she made me see, that it isn't me. The only way we can even try is if he wants it, and I was and still am too blind to accept that he doesn't want to try right now and may never want to. Whether it is because he is not ready to try again, or because he doesn't want to try again, now is not the time and it may never be the time... so I need to move on and let my heart let go. Damn it! It is hard to do!

Movies: The new Resident Evil movie

2007-09-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have seen some pretty good movies recently. One was hilarious the other one quite serious, but I recommend both.

The first movie I saw was Superbad. It is a really funny movie and I think any guy will laugh. I really appreciated the dialogue even if there was a lot of cussing. I think I liked it because the dialogue was so real. I think movies about guys in the pursuit of sex are hilarious. It is like American Pie, but I think a lot of the humor is in the rest of the movie and individual interpretation. I guess, it isn't as much of a "cringer" movie as American Pie is.

The second movie is called The Brave One. It has Jodie Foster in it. It was really good. A little slow at the beginning but good. I think to appreciate it you have to understand the justice system. I guess it makes you question true justice. I liked it.

I think part of the key to any movie is being in good company so that you may enjoy it because you are not afraid to laugh out loud or close your eyes out of fear or anticipation. I recommend, if that counts for anything but here is where my credit may go out the window because I am actually hoping to see the new Resident Evil movie that comes out this weekend. It looks kind of fun! I know it will scare the heck out of me... but it also looks so fun. I will just have to find someone to go with who I can bury my face into their shoulder and hide during the scary parts.

My first full night of sleep in a long time...Amen!!!

2007-09-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well I went out last night. I didn't go dancing and didn't find a rebound guy, instead I wound up with my ex-fiance. We went to see a movie. It was "nice". It was really good to see him and talk a little bit. It is really hard because he truly is my best friend, and I miss talking to him. I miss being intellectually stimulated and challenged by him. Well after 50 days we were able to see each other face to face and I didn't come home and cry. Instead, I slept. Glorious sleep! It had been 50 days since I actually slept through the night. I didn't wake up at 3, 4, or 5am last night... I went to bed around 1AM, pretty normal and then slept until 8:30am. It felt so good! It sucks though that it took seeing him again to be able to do that. I am going to pretend that it was because it is a sign that I am moving on. That now I have put seeing him behind me and know I will be okay... I am going to pretend that. Because, it is better than reality. The reality that at some level I still need him, but surely in time that won't be the case anymore.

Drama Queen

2007-09-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

I am realizing how much of a drama queen I am, especially when I can't have what I want. I guess... I am spoiled. Let's add that to my list of faults. So I have come to the conclusion that I am selfish, jealous, a drama queen, and spoiled. I am a fine catch! It's all good, it doesn't matter anymore. I hope not to inflict myself onto anyone else in the future and once those currently in my life write me off, all will be as it should be. I will be completely alone unable to hurt the people I care about. Yea yea yea... told you I was a drama queen.

Jealous!

2007-09-13T16:35:00.001-07:00

I have always told my significant others that I am a bad person, well now I have proof. I am so jealous of everyone around me. Jealousy is a major flaw. It makes me mad that others get to go out and do all these things I dreamed of doing or would love to do, but I know it is my own fault that I am not out doing them. It is my fault I didn't get a degree that was more specialized and in demand so that I could make more money and have the vacation time to run away to Tahiti, go on guided White Water Rafting tours, take weekend trips to Sedona, travel abroad etc. And then, that is not the only reason I am jealous, I am even more jealous that those people I wanted to do all those things with, have already found significant others to do those very same things with! Yeah, I am a very jealous person. I am so jealous of those co-workers and my sister who have these guys who will do anything for them. That call just because or let them even tell them to go out with their friends. My heart is very black... so there is the proof. I am selfish and I am jealous. I think my ex-boyfriends and now former Fiance could always sense that... that is why they were smart enough to run the other way as fast as they could!

Difficult Deeds, Refusing to Cry

2007-09-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

I gave the ring back today. I think this is a big step. I had to see him and I survived, if only barely. I am kind of embarrassed that I kind of... sort off... ran out the door, but we all have our limits. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry today no matter what. I am glad I had a really really strong margarita tonight, because though I got teary eyed, I was too drunk to care that I was sad. Thank God my sister got there when she did. I was about to lose it, but running away when I did, let me keep my promise to myself, since he is okay. I am glad he is, but then it also hurts.

bored

2007-09-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

I was so bored tonight. I watched the news and then worked in the yard. I am almost done with the weeds. But, it makes me wonder why I work so hard... we aren't going to do anything with the backyard anytime soon. I will just have to wait for more weeds to grow. I then made dinner and watched TV as I ate using my ironing board for a table. I finished up, cleaned up, packed my lunch for tomorrow. I then came back to watch more TV, but inspired by the biggest loser I did sit-ups and other exercises while watching TV. So here we are 10 o'clock and I am watching the news with really nothing to do. I am not tired (I should take some sleeping pills) and there is nothing good to read online. Blah! It is frustrating to have nothing to do. I have even brought work home from work and done that. Sometimes I think I am too efficient.

I guess maybe tomorrow I will go for a walk to the 9/11 memorial at the lake. Then Thursday, I will go to the basketball game, since I didn't go tonight. So until tomorrow, I am signing off. :-)

Moments of weakness

2007-09-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a hard one. I stayed busy, but I had many moments of weakness. I think it is because I haven't slept much. I will try again tonight. :-) Tomorrow will be a better day!

A night on the town: margaritas, gay bars, Irish bars, drunk guys and still no rebound

2007-09-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Going from bar to bar, and place to place always makes a night interesting. It was kind of a trip down memory lane. About two and a half years ago I used to do this nearly every night from Wednesday to Saturday. I was a wild thing. Random bar, random drinks, random guys.

I went up to the "posh" part of town a lot this weekend, first I went to HH with a bunch of co-workers on Friday it was fun... but the real fun was on Saturday night.

Saturday night I met up with a girl I met online to hang out for a birthday party. It was fun. We started at a casual bar, chatting and getting to know everyone. I had a Margarita. Well, actually I only drank half of it because I felt sick to my stomach, I guess I can't handle any alcohol anymore. It is all good though because I have tons of fun.

After that, we headed to a gay bar. It was my first gay bar. I have to say it was a blast! I think some of the guys were throwing me mercy comments, but hey if a guy tells you that you are so hot, that if he was straight, he would be trying to take you home. Yeah, it definitely boosts your confidence. Even if they are just being nice.

Then I headed back to the college part of town. I went to an infamous Irish bar where I have met many a random hook-up and one really really bad kisser. :-) It was loud and reeked of alcohol. I walked in the door and was like, whoa... tons of the school fans were there following the football game. I wasn't there long when I found my sister and the boys and we decided to head to the main drag. We broke into the parking garage and headed to another Irish pub. The guys we were with, were over the top drunk. It is funny, and they are lucky I consider them friends, otherwise I would have had to sock them and call the cops for sexual assault. I love it how drunk guys think it is okay to grab and slap your ass. I don't' get it! Anyway, I didn't stay with them long. I contemplated going to my old "dancing" spot but I am just so old already, I am passed all the immature drunk fake blond fake boobed college girls. Maybe it is too much competition, but... why set yourself up for defeat and failure? I'll stick to the gay guys for awhile. :-)

So after all that partying, I still went home alone. I didn't find a rebound guy in all those places. I was both sad and proud of myself. I went out on the town by myself, meeting up with others, but... by myself. And I came home alone. I didn't give in to desperation, or loneliness. I definitely felt it today, but it was the smart thing and it was the better thing to do. But, I know it is partially because I am still holding on. I guess when I go out and find that rebound guy, and am able to have a rebound, I will hopefully be able to let go and instead of just being here, I will move forward, not on... just forward.

One drink too many...

2007-09-09T02:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone but I am too drunk, tired, and feeling ill to write something with length tonight... also, it is dark in my room and I am too lazy to get up for the lights so that I can update the daily wakeup call... so I will do that otmorrow too.